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Post by diannet on Nov 18, 2012 2:06:57 GMT -6
The night drops its moonbeams on the water
ghostly white caps dance above the reef
curling over in the moonlight
“Come to me,” they call and I will – when dawn breaks
I’m there
with the first call of morning
standing alone on the deserted beach
just me and my board
watching the sea throw itself upon the earth
daring me not to break my promise
Throwing myself into the water
I attack each rise and fall
until I reach the point of no return
and sit
bobbing like a cork
waiting for that one wave
the immense silence swallows me
the delicate tinkles calik, calik, calik at my board
my thumping heart fills my ears
a strange tightness aches in my chest
as each wave comes and goes
slithering up, dropping down
waiting for me
to take it on
as it piaffes beneath me
heaving in and out
impatient
Just breathe
with a gasp I paddle into fear
feeling it scream beneath me
as I jump to my feet
and look over the world
water surging, roaring in my ears
the shore
powering toward me
screaming and laughing
I fly on invisible wings
Connecting
I fall into its lull
flopping on the shore – alive
heart still thumping
laughing
crying
knowing
the earth and I
just shook hands
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Post by Neal Allen (snowtracks) on Nov 18, 2012 11:54:55 GMT -6
Hi Dianne
Nice story. Nice development. The preamble, the experience, the exhilaration and the result. I like the use of onomatopoeia, "delicate tinkles calik, calik, calik at my board" etc. It takes us right out there with you.
Just on detail, the tenses seem a bit mixed up. In my opinion it would work better if everything was in the present tense because that would help us to travel through the experience with you.
Thanks for sharing your exciting surf with us.
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Post by diannet on Nov 18, 2012 15:50:25 GMT -6
Hi Neal, thankyou I changed connected to connecting... Piaffed is troubling me so will have to think on it I wanted that term so, I think it's okay but...hmm and shook is fine I think as that is remembering what just happened so it is in the past. Have just notice swallowed... okay think that's it... I hope.
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Post by Neal Allen (snowtracks) on Nov 18, 2012 20:58:07 GMT -6
I agree with you that "piaffes" is good. The moment you have described really must be a lot like sitting astride an impatient show jumper waiting to perform.
Personally I would still like to see the same tense, preferably the present tense, carried right through the piece. These choices are always personal however so I am just giving one readers opinion. Maybe you would like to ask others how they feel about it.
I like the poem a lot. It seethes with movement and exciting life. Well done
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Post by diannet on Nov 19, 2012 1:25:42 GMT -6
Thanks Neal I'll keep fiddling...eventually I'll get there
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Post by Brigid Briton on Nov 19, 2012 9:03:00 GMT -6
Hi Dianne, Thanks for taking us on this exciting ride. I did see this earlier when you had past tense mixed in with present and I must say that it works much better all in the present tense! I wasn't familiar with the term "piaffe", but, now that I am, I think you've made an apt comparison. It brings to mind the phrase "riding seahorses", which I think I'll put up as a prompt. A very enjoyable piece.
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Post by eiken on Dec 5, 2012 10:57:10 GMT -6
Dianne, You are on a sea roll and I loved the visuals in this, I was in that sea with you, I felt my breathing quicken with a fear of drowning and was glad that you landed safely on the shore, a thrilling read
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