Once, I Was a Crayon (a formula poem)

Very true re: difficulty! This was very challenging, but sometimes that makes the product all the more rewarding to me even if it isn't my best writing. Sometimes, too, writing in this way provides the beginning framework for a poem that, when revised, is a radically different from the original. I'd be appreciative of more specific comment on how you might improve the poem without consideration of the formula.

Hi callisse,

This is an interesting and difficult challenge. It's fun imagining someone dancing with abandon, perhaps leaving streaks of color in her wake, but I'd say the main weakness of this piece is that it is such a well-worn theme. Coloring outside the lines, dancing outside the lines...how many times have we heard those phrases? There's nothing new or fresh in that idea. The trouble with challenge poems is that we all too often tend to forget about the basics in order to fulfill the demands of the structure. For me, a very basic tenet of poetry is to avoid the over-used and familiar themes, unless you're going to express them in a completely unique way.

Judging this as an exercise, I'd say you did a great job of fulfilling the required elements, however, I don't think it has enough originality to stand on it's own as a poem.

I really liked your line "music strummed silently and metered mystically"---that is original and lovely.

Since you start this off with "My Amazing God", I think you could change the focus a bit to reflect more on the amazing qualities of that god (as the "music strummed..." line does) rather than so much on the crayon metaphor. It's just a thought.

Perhaps, when you're posting something where you're actually asking others to try out a form, you'd be better off posting it in the Come Out and Play section. People who check out that section are looking for a challenge, more than people perusing the "Free Verse" section might be.

I admire your tenacity in responding to this challenge---it's a little too demanding for me, but thanks for sharing it with us.



Brigid

Hi, Call.

I'm not sure how I feel about this.

A part of me wants to liken it to calling paint-by-numbers 'art'.
(I'm not sure if any of you will be familiar with Roald Dahl's short story 'The Great Automatic Grammatizator', which I loved as a child and was reminded of by this post.)

On the other hand, you'd need to have some talent to make something so uniform stand out, I suppose.

I'm torn on that idea, really but tending towards the negative, if I'm honest.

That said, if we are going to follow such a strict and imposing set of rules, I feel I should be stringent (though, some may say pedantic) in pointing out the following grammatical error:

Line 1: 'article' is any of 'a', 'an' or 'the' - 'my' is a determiner.

Brigid, I only half agree with you. I get irritated sometimes to hear people say that one should avoid a certain topic because it has become too common or cliche.
I think that poetry is often about breathing new life into a well-trodden theme. That is how people identify with others' poems, after all.

That said, I do think that the metaphor here gets a little strung out and becomes somewhat loose-fitting by the end of the poem.
What I mean is that I like how in the beginning, the colouring-outside-of-the-lines is attributed to God. But that falls away later on and when the 'melody stops' it is too deep in metaphor to really know what you are referencing.

I think, like Brigid, I would have preferred more of a focus on the god in the opening of this piece.

Well, now that I have said my piece, I think it only fair that I offer my own attempt, so as not to appear 'back seat'. This follows the same structure you gave yourself above:

I, Old Man,
Rock like a fishing boat on stormy seas.
By way of steadying myself,
I walk
with a cane
and sit
at every opportunity
like a baby just learning to walk.
The time
passes
at far too fast a pace.

Thanks for all the feedback, everyone. ;D Now that some of you have had a chance to comment, I'll tell you some of my thoughts about my own 1st draft before I move on to reflecting on the feedback. First off, I should say that I made the decision to only or mostly post on this site "first drafts" because I want to explore how my mind critiques my work in comparison to others and to practice accepting critique as guidance for my writing and not as a personal attack. So, I may seem to have a disproportionate amount of negative feedback for my own poem.

First, the poem's title is too "cutesy" for the gentle reflective tone of the poem and overly focuses on "coloring" as a theme which misguides the reader. It also seems to set up a "story" that has no resolution. I began the poem without a topic in mind and that is reflected in the lack of consistent imagery. The first line introduces God with the tired adjective, "amazing", then says nothing more of that God. I used poetic license in saying "my" rather than using an article as prescribed in the formula, but then do nothing to build the relationship. Line 3's description is redundant of the already overused simile presented in line 2.

I think what motivated the direction of this poem was my frustration at my day, which started carefree, being sabotaged by someone exerting control I couldn't escape. I feel most free when I sing and dance; that's when I feel closest to God as well. Those images and that relationship are what need to be developed, I believe. I like the alliteration and ideas of line 5; this line hints at the melody always tripping through my mind.

Line 7 refers to my singing and is perhaps too private an image as it reflects my memory of "getting in trouble" for jumping between parts in one choir I was in. Then, line 8 is misleading, pulling the reader back to the cliche "coloring" theme, but worse, it is insincere; I have no idea how I colored at three. The rest of the poem tells more than it shows, but I'm not utterly displeased with it. One thing I like about the poem overall is the contrast of the short and long lines - the punctuated pauses.

@brigid - I think I addressed your comments and we are in agreement. I had not fully explored the site and will make use of the Come and Play forum, although I only threw this "challenge" out there as a suggestion rather than a challenge expecting a reply. Note: see end of my response to D&W, please.

@ssb/Deb - "Those who retain the ability to remain childlike have no need or desire to be childish." ~Molly Jayne40

@d&W - The beginning of your reply was a bit convoluted to me, but I understood you to mean that the poem showed a lack of talent that the formula demands to truly be used poetically. Given my unbridled shredding of the poem, I think you can deduce that I was equally displeased with it overall. Of note, however, in the past I would have taken your post to mean that I had no talent or insufficient talent to use this form, but I am comfortable now in interpreting it to mean that this particular poem does not reflect talent I ultimately may or may not have to successfully execute this style. I can accept that, as this a first draft of a form I attempted for the first time. I'll see how my skill develops. No poet is a master of every form or style. As for your attempt, I assume you'll post it as a thread if you want feedback. Also, Btw, I think Brigid meant only that my expression "outside the lines" was cliche and to be avoided, not the topic. She was speaking to the specific, while you were responding to the general. I think, in actuality, we are all in agreement. Correct me if I'm wrong, Brigid.
@fire Monkey/Tim - lol; yes, I hadn't thought about that irony. Thank you so much for taking the time to re-read and reflect on the poem enough to give me this feedback. I really value it and think I will indeed follow your suggestions. However, I can see that this poem may actually become two or three, and I'm still dissatisfied with the redundancy of line 3.
In general, I think I will be scrapping this poem, but like a nasty katydid, it nonetheless has served its purpose and other poems will grow in part because of it. Thanks again, everyone.

Calliss,

It's a shame it came across that way to you.

My misgivings were toward the form, not your attempt. I was simply saying that I suppose one would need fair talent to be able to really turn this form into a poem, not that you had none!

In fact, I think you did a good job of it overall, with my comments pointing out any improvements I thought could be made.

Hope that clears things up.

-D&W