|
Post by Brigid Briton on May 22, 2015 17:20:57 GMT -6
Hello Tim,
Longest time no see. I just happened to be in the neighborhood and thought I'd stop by to see if any of the old gang was still hanging around. Although it's been a month to the day that you posted this, I was flooded with gratitude that you are still around.
I loved the poem. Stay defiant and do keep those snakes at bay, as much as possible.
Give Deb my love and best wishes.
I hope she continues holding her own. Speaking of holding her own, have her give you a hug from me and vice versa.
I've missed you both.
Brigid
|
|
|
Post by Brigid Briton on Aug 19, 2014 14:34:51 GMT -6
Whoa, Sergio. Sharing your original version only served to further muddy the waters for me. Shows you how out-of-touch I am with early morning male activities, especially with regard to sex. The important thing is that youunderstand what you're saying here, even if I don't have a clue.
Perhaps, if anyone else happens to be wandering around the empty halls here, they might weigh in and let us know whether they "got it" any better than I.
I feel old and dense!
|
|
|
Post by Brigid Briton on Aug 19, 2014 9:45:58 GMT -6
Hi Sergio,
An interesting poem. I'd call it a five line poem, not a tanka. I like the idea of crow legs, and swollen crow legs is even more interesting. I like the phrase "dawn's early lie" but am having trouble fathoming the meaning.
It's good seeing you here again.
|
|
|
Post by Brigid Briton on Aug 18, 2014 20:11:51 GMT -6
Hiya "jaja"
Welcome to the forum. This is a sweet little portrait of aquarium life (at least I assume it's happening in an aquarium due to the brilliant light reference). I've shared my home with fish for about twenty years and find them a never-ending source of amusement. A great debut!
BTW, I notice that you're in the process of getting your own forum up and running. Congratulations and good luck. Forums can be a lot of fun, provided you have the key ingredients, which are participation and exchange of ideas between poets. Wishing you lots of both.
Brigid
|
|
|
Post by Brigid Briton on Aug 18, 2014 20:03:44 GMT -6
Hi Karl,
Oh, how I've missed your keen eye (ear?) for detail! The interwoven alliteration was not exactly intentional, however, it sometimes seems that things come to us that might actually be better than if we'd tried to plan them.
In the instance of "patchwork comforter", that was purely intentional, the "comforter" being the cat and not a bed cover. It's quilts that are usually literally patchwork, being made up of pieces. Calico cats have black and orange "patches" of color on a field of white fur.
To make the reality of this little scene a little sweeter, my calico's name is "Candy".
|
|
|
Post by Brigid Briton on Aug 15, 2014 23:22:39 GMT -6
calico cat patchwork comforter purring softly
|
|
|
Post by Brigid Briton on Aug 15, 2014 23:21:28 GMT -6
Hi Karl,
Always good to see you here!
|
|
|
Post by Brigid Briton on Aug 8, 2014 19:27:42 GMT -6
Hi David,
This is a well-crafted and effective poem. It's lovely and sad and hopeful and real. Dreaming of bagels while surrounded by chaos pretty much sums up the incongruity of human beings engaged in war. The mind reduces the overwhelming question of "why?" down to a few basic desires, memories of normalcy and connections to those we love.
This is a great poem.
Welcome to the forum!
Brigid
|
|
|
Post by Brigid Briton on Aug 8, 2014 19:09:09 GMT -6
Yes, it will matter, as long as you leave your words behind.
|
|
|
Post by Brigid Briton on Jul 7, 2014 21:06:52 GMT -6
Not having any bread crumbs, she leaves trails of broken dreams behind her, still hoping to find enchantment.
|
|
|
Post by Brigid Briton on Jul 7, 2014 21:03:54 GMT -6
Gives new meaning, or at least a literal meaning to the expression: tête-à-tête!
|
|
|
my body
Jul 7, 2014 20:53:14 GMT -6
Post by Brigid Briton on Jul 7, 2014 20:53:14 GMT -6
Hot!
|
|
|
Post by Brigid Briton on May 26, 2014 11:52:37 GMT -6
Achingly lovely! Beautiful work, eiken.
|
|
|
Post by Brigid Briton on May 26, 2014 11:49:33 GMT -6
I swear I can smell that coffee from here! Nice work, eiken.
|
|
|
Post by Brigid Briton on May 26, 2014 11:47:29 GMT -6
Hi John,
I'm sure your dad enjoyed this tribute. It's peppy and quite cute. I notice there's a typo in the last verse. I'm sure you meant "inning" not "innings". That was sort of a neat baseball allusion but, it, pardon the expression, came in from left field since it's the only reference to baseball in the whole piece.
If you were ever to want to rework this, it might be entertaining to see how many more baseball allusions you could work in...just a thought.
Wish your dad a Happy Birthday from me.
|
|
|
Post by Brigid Briton on May 26, 2014 11:34:47 GMT -6
Hi John,
It's good to see you again. There's a certain mystery to this that I like--whether the dreams are real night-time dreams, or the dream of a past love whose secrets you choose to keep. The picture itself is mysterious. It took me a while to determine it was actually curtains billowing in with morning light pouring through.
From a technical standpoint your second verse stands out for not rhyming. In the other verses, lines two and four rhyme. You may want to re-work this a bit for consistency's sake. You may want to move your "bird" from the second to the third verse and find a rhyme for "impaired" (or not).
The scene described is peaceful but enigmatic, the way we sometimes feel upon first waking--I enjoyed it.
|
|
|
a drive
May 20, 2014 10:25:02 GMT -6
Post by Brigid Briton on May 20, 2014 10:25:02 GMT -6
Hi Kara,
Looking forward to seeing more of your work. Remember, ALL of us are works in progress! (Not to mention our poetry.)
Brigid
|
|
|
a drive
May 18, 2014 19:58:09 GMT -6
Post by Brigid Briton on May 18, 2014 19:58:09 GMT -6
Hi Kara,
Please don't be afraid to post something here that you don't feel is "good enough" or finished. The whole purpose of this forum is to help people learn...for us to help each other by sharing our ideas about what works, what doesn't work and possible ways to improve clarity (or grammar, etc).
I like the idea here, of a couple riding along, she feeling so good about the relationship, something happening to change the mood, making her feel smaller, alienated, driven to look at the cars standing empty and lonely in the parking lot, reminders of all the relationships that may or may not have taken place in them, putting the unique world previously established in the first verse into stark perspective.
I think the first verse my be more effective if you made it more personal. Rather than "passenger" and "driver" you could introduce the driver as your "lover" "husband" "boyfriend", etc.
In the second, rather than "we have a problem" perhaps you could allude to the nature of the problem, again to make this more personal, more real.
In the last, I actually like the impersonality of the image of parked cars. Your "WORLD" just got put in it's proper place...like the air going out of a balloon (there's another air-allusion for you).
I think you do have an unique poetic voice and hope you'll stick with it. I'm really glad to see you back here.
Brigid
|
|
|
Post by Brigid Briton on May 18, 2014 19:46:07 GMT -6
Hi Gwen,
I mostly like this but am a bit confused by your capitalization and some punctuation. The only word I would capitalize, besides the first, is the E in Engage. I would lose the period after "teach" and add one after "knew".
It's a pretty poem but I got distracted by the things mentioned above.
Brigid
|
|
|
Post by Brigid Briton on May 18, 2014 19:38:44 GMT -6
Hi eiken,
Lovely images, as usual.
I agree with kara about the "trickle of thickets" being just a bit too much and I think the phrase: "a lost brother to years strummed by" might be a little clearer reworded "a brother lost to years strummed by". I hope you'll come back and show us how you're going to finish this up.
Brigid
|
|