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Post by Callisse J. DeTerre on Mar 31, 2011 16:52:07 GMT -6
I like challenging myself. These guidelines were suggested in an online short form poetry workbook, but I didn't think this qualified as short poetry compared to what is usually posted in that forum. My poem is below the guidelines. Hope some of you will give this a try, just for the fun of it. Formula(Computer-generated) Poem One type... Line 1: Article, adjective, noun Line 2: verb, simile Line 3: Prepositional phrase Line 4: I, verb Line 5: prepositional phrase Line 6: and, verb Line 7: prepositional phrase Line 8: simile Line 9: the, noun Line 10: verb Line 11: prepositional phraseOnce, I Was a CrayonMy Amazing God Created my day like a young child colors a picture With little respect for boundaries imposed by others, so I dance To music strummed silently and metered mystically And sing Outside the lines all over the pages of my life As if I'm once again just a child of three, but The melody Stops Before I'm ready to -- much too suddenly ~Callisse J. DeTerre, copyright 03/31/11
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Post by Fire Monkey on Mar 31, 2011 18:38:34 GMT -6
Writing to so rigid a formula is not easy - the rules impose a form on the poem that makes it hard to create something strong, but I think given the rules you followed, you have done a good job.
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Post by Callisse J. DeTerre on Mar 31, 2011 23:21:15 GMT -6
Very true re: difficulty! This was very challenging, but sometimes that makes the product all the more rewarding to me even if it isn't my best writing. Sometimes, too, writing in this way provides the beginning framework for a poem that, when revised, is a radically different from the original. I'd be appreciative of more specific comment on how you might improve the poem without consideration of the formula.
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Post by Fire Monkey on Mar 31, 2011 23:54:40 GMT -6
Hmmm, hard to say - sometimes I have definite thoughts on that but in this case I'll have to think on it and reread the poem a few times. No promises but I'll give it a good try.
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Post by Brigid Briton on Apr 2, 2011 10:35:56 GMT -6
Hi callisse, This is an interesting and difficult challenge. It's fun imagining someone dancing with abandon, perhaps leaving streaks of color in her wake, but I'd say the main weakness of this piece is that it is such a well-worn theme. Coloring outside the lines, dancing outside the lines...how many times have we heard those phrases? There's nothing new or fresh in that idea. The trouble with challenge poems is that we all too often tend to forget about the basics in order to fulfill the demands of the structure. For me, a very basic tenet of poetry is to avoid the over-used and familiar themes, unless you're going to express them in a completely unique way. Judging this as an exercise, I'd say you did a great job of fulfilling the required elements, however, I don't think it has enough originality to stand on it's own as a poem. I really liked your line "music strummed silently and metered mystically"---that is original and lovely. Since you start this off with "My Amazing God", I think you could change the focus a bit to reflect more on the amazing qualities of that god (as the "music strummed..." line does) rather than so much on the crayon metaphor. It's just a thought. Perhaps, when you're posting something where you're actually asking others to try out a form, you'd be better off posting it in the Come Out and Play section. People who check out that section are looking for a challenge, more than people perusing the "Free Verse" section might be. I admire your tenacity in responding to this challenge---it's a little too demanding for me, but thanks for sharing it with us. Brigid
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Post by SweetSilverBird on Apr 3, 2011 4:05:00 GMT -6
Hi Callissejdeterre. I am only here for a minute, but I have to say I identify very strongly with the subject. Also I recognize that this poem shows us that we never leave our 'child-selves' behind. Not completely.
I like the singsong way it's written, because that is child-like too.
thanks for the nice write.
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Post by dustandwater on Apr 3, 2011 8:10:28 GMT -6
Hi, Call.
I'm not sure how I feel about this.
A part of me wants to liken it to calling paint-by-numbers 'art'. (I'm not sure if any of you will be familiar with Roald Dahl's short story 'The Great Automatic Grammatizator', which I loved as a child and was reminded of by this post.)
On the other hand, you'd need to have some talent to make something so uniform stand out, I suppose.
I'm torn on that idea, really but tending towards the negative, if I'm honest.
That said, if we are going to follow such a strict and imposing set of rules, I feel I should be stringent (though, some may say pedantic) in pointing out the following grammatical error:
Line 1: 'article' is any of 'a', 'an' or 'the' - 'my' is a determiner.
Brigid, I only half agree with you. I get irritated sometimes to hear people say that one should avoid a certain topic because it has become too common or cliche. I think that poetry is often about breathing new life into a well-trodden theme. That is how people identify with others' poems, after all.
That said, I do think that the metaphor here gets a little strung out and becomes somewhat loose-fitting by the end of the poem. What I mean is that I like how in the beginning, the colouring-outside-of-the-lines is attributed to God. But that falls away later on and when the 'melody stops' it is too deep in metaphor to really know what you are referencing.
I think, like Brigid, I would have preferred more of a focus on the god in the opening of this piece.
Well, now that I have said my piece, I think it only fair that I offer my own attempt, so as not to appear 'back seat'. This follows the same structure you gave yourself above:
I, Old Man, Rock like a fishing boat on stormy seas. By way of steadying myself, I walk with a cane and sit at every opportunity like a baby just learning to walk. The time passes at far too fast a pace.
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Post by Fire Monkey on Apr 3, 2011 17:40:05 GMT -6
Callisse - ok, having read it a few more times I would say tat t is good as it is - that is, within the rules it was written, I think it should be left alone. Tat said, if I ignore the fact it was written with rules [an odd thing if you think of it that a poem written with such structured rules would be about not being structured or following rules] I have some suggestions.
Start exactly as you have with the first 4 lines
Then expand on this by talking about your dance - not what you do but reach past that - try to make the reader feel what it is to dance like you are dancing, make us see you dance and feel the joy, and then end that section by repeating the 4th line
and move on to the next two lines
and then expand that a bit and finish with a repeat
or perhaps replace "And" with "I" if that works better with the added part and then the rest of the poem.
To me, the poem ends well - I don't feel it gets lost in the metaphor - I felt it said all that needed to be said and no more than that.
Now I do agree with others that having started with "God" it would be nice to follow that through the poem by including "God" [whatever/whichever God you mean - I make no assumptions since I have friends who belong to various religions and some who belong to none but still use the word to simply mean the universe or whatever] You might speak of how "God" fits into your dance or talk of "God" watching you and how they respond to it all.
That's my thoughts - if the poem is to obey the rules you listed, then it is done - it is good as it is and deserves to be allowed to be what it is, but if you want to now break the rules to turn an exercise into something more, then I suggest those changes - the words you have written though are good as they are, I wouldn't change them, only add to them.
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Post by Callisse J. DeTerre on Apr 4, 2011 21:59:12 GMT -6
Thanks for all the feedback, everyone. ;D Now that some of you have had a chance to comment, I'll tell you some of my thoughts about my own 1st draft before I move on to reflecting on the feedback. First off, I should say that I made the decision to only or mostly post on this site "first drafts" because I want to explore how my mind critiques my work in comparison to others and to practice accepting critique as guidance for my writing and not as a personal attack. So, I may seem to have a disproportionate amount of negative feedback for my own poem. First, the poem's title is too "cutesy" for the gentle reflective tone of the poem and overly focuses on "coloring" as a theme which misguides the reader. It also seems to set up a "story" that has no resolution. I began the poem without a topic in mind and that is reflected in the lack of consistent imagery. The first line introduces God with the tired adjective, "amazing", then says nothing more of that God. I used poetic license in saying "my" rather than using an article as prescribed in the formula, but then do nothing to build the relationship. Line 3's description is redundant of the already overused simile presented in line 2. I think what motivated the direction of this poem was my frustration at my day, which started carefree, being sabotaged by someone exerting control I couldn't escape. I feel most free when I sing and dance; that's when I feel closest to God as well. Those images and that relationship are what need to be developed, I believe. I like the alliteration and ideas of line 5; this line hints at the melody always tripping through my mind. Line 7 refers to my singing and is perhaps too private an image as it reflects my memory of "getting in trouble" for jumping between parts in one choir I was in. Then, line 8 is misleading, pulling the reader back to the cliche "coloring" theme, but worse, it is insincere; I have no idea how I colored at three. The rest of the poem tells more than it shows, but I'm not utterly displeased with it. One thing I like about the poem overall is the contrast of the short and long lines - the punctuated pauses. @brigid - I think I addressed your comments and we are in agreement. I had not fully explored the site and will make use of the Come and Play forum, although I only threw this "challenge" out there as a suggestion rather than a challenge expecting a reply. Note: see end of my response to D&W, please. @ssb/Deb - "Those who retain the ability to remain childlike have no need or desire to be childish." ~Molly Jayne40 @d&W - The beginning of your reply was a bit convoluted to me, but I understood you to mean that the poem showed a lack of talent that the formula demands to truly be used poetically. Given my unbridled shredding of the poem, I think you can deduce that I was equally displeased with it overall. Of note, however, in the past I would have taken your post to mean that I had no talent or insufficient talent to use this form, but I am comfortable now in interpreting it to mean that this particular poem does not reflect talent I ultimately may or may not have to successfully execute this style. I can accept that, as this a first draft of a form I attempted for the first time. I'll see how my skill develops. No poet is a master of every form or style. As for your attempt, I assume you'll post it as a thread if you want feedback. Also, Btw, I think Brigid meant only that my expression "outside the lines" was cliche and to be avoided, not the topic. She was speaking to the specific, while you were responding to the general. I think, in actuality, we are all in agreement. Correct me if I'm wrong, Brigid. @fire Monkey/Tim - lol; yes, I hadn't thought about that irony. Thank you so much for taking the time to re-read and reflect on the poem enough to give me this feedback. I really value it and think I will indeed follow your suggestions. However, I can see that this poem may actually become two or three, and I'm still dissatisfied with the redundancy of line 3. In general, I think I will be scrapping this poem, but like a nasty katydid, it nonetheless has served its purpose and other poems will grow in part because of it. Thanks again, everyone.
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Post by Brigid Briton on Apr 4, 2011 22:38:59 GMT -6
Hi callisse, First, let me congratulate you on the good grace with which you accepted critique of this piece. Second, I must say I have never seen anyone be so hard on their own work. It was surprising and, actually refreshing. You were right about my critique---I was specifically addressing the phrase "coloring outside the lines"---not the topic of seeking freedom from the strictures of society or other people. The coloring analogy is so common---which is fine and very acceptable in daily conversation or in self-help books---but, for poetry, it's just been used too much. You are very wise to realize that part of growth as a poet is to be able to accept critique of one's work as just that---not a personal attack. It's a hard lesson to learn at first, but pretty soon, it just gets to be part of the territory of seeking growth. If I wore a hat, it would be off to you! Fire Monkey and D& W. Thank you for taking so much time to comment extensively on callisse's poem. It shows a real commitment and caring on your part. It is much more difficult to point out weaknesses and to make suggestions than it is to simply comment or ignore a post. Kudos to you guys! I really love what is taking place on the forum. I feel that we are starting to build a real community here. Thanks to all for your part in it! Brigid
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Post by dustandwater on Apr 6, 2011 22:42:36 GMT -6
Calliss,
It's a shame it came across that way to you.
My misgivings were toward the form, not your attempt. I was simply saying that I suppose one would need fair talent to be able to really turn this form into a poem, not that you had none!
In fact, I think you did a good job of it overall, with my comments pointing out any improvements I thought could be made.
Hope that clears things up.
-D&W
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Post by Callisse J. DeTerre on Apr 8, 2011 7:00:45 GMT -6
@d&W - It was very sweet of you to clarify. I did in fact choose to interpret your comment as you intended.
As Brigid said,
I very much appreciate that.
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