gogyohka (empty nest)

[Brigid Briton]

Revision

Feathers rippling
in summer wind
young hawk's wings
embrace
destiny.

Original

Her feathers rippling
in summer wind
young hawk's wings
embrace
her destiny.


This another tribute to the awesome Cornell hawks, most especially baby #3, the youngest of the three siblings and the only female. You can still catch a glimpse of her, her parents, and "the boys" on the great Cornell website, where the cameras are still able to follow a lot of their activities now that they have successfully fledged. www.allaboutbirds.org/Page.aspx?pid=2422&ac=ac

Many thanks to the great people at Cornell for allowing us to share the life of this little family---up close and personal!

[eiken]

Oh what a sense of freedom and new life Brigid, wonderful to see and to read this.

[hahodge]

Hi.
Not sure how strictly the haiku rules are applied. Yours has 18 syllables and 5 lines - so what! I wonder, given that, whether you agree that dropping the the first "her" gives you an opportunity?

her feathers rippling (5)
in summer wind, young hawk's wings (7)
embrace destiny (5)

Just a thought.
Best wishes.

[Brigid Briton]

Hi Hugh,

Thanks for reading and commenting. Actually, this wasn't an attempt at haiku, rather another Japanese form, the gogyohka. Check out dustandwater's excellent explanation of the form from our "Form Focus" section: poetry-here-and-now.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=forms&action=display&thread=801

I love haiku but gogyohka give one a little more leeway.

That said, revisiting this has made me see another place where I'd like to revise it. See the revision above.

Thanks.

[hahodge]

Very nice!

[Fire Monkey]

I think the revised version has a very excellent flow to it.

[Neal Allen (snowtracks)]

I like the last line as just "destiny". It opens more possibilities. I preferred the "Her" at the beginning though because that seems to make the moment important, at least to the hawk and after all, the poem is about her.

Just splitting feathers (I mean hairs) though.

[diannet]

I missed this one but must say the revised goggy is terrific. This is a good example of how suggestions can bring a poem to life.

[eiken]

Wonderful revision Brigid, amazing how many words can be done without!!