TANGERINE TANGO - modern haiku

[Lisa Arnold]

TANGERINE TANGO

rustic mountains tower
tangerine-tango morning sky
echoes stir across the bay


©2012 Lisa Arnold

[diannet]

Very nice, the sights and sounds, I can almost taste it.

[hahodge]

Lisa hi.
Colourful fruit image stirs the senses.
Would it interest you - no change to the poem - to consider some other angles on these ways of writing? For instance, changing the word order, or making a noun a verb?
Say "the bay echoes across the stir" - I am not saying change the poem - but more especially in these short forms one needs to hook the reader quickly with a new vision or sense.
You might have some fun fiddling with it.
Best wishes.

[Lisa Arnold]

Aug 2, 2012 0:15:23 GMT -6 diannet said:

Very nice, the sights and sounds, I can almost taste it.

Hello Diannet


thank you so much

[Lisa Arnold]

Aug 2, 2012 0:31:44 GMT -6 @hahodge said:

Lisa hi.
Colourful fruit image stirs the senses.
Would it interest you - no change to the poem - to consider some other angles on these ways of writing? For instance, changing the word order, or making a noun a verb?
Say "the bay echoes across the stir" - I am not saying change the poem - but more especially in these short forms one needs to hook the reader quickly with a new vision or sense.
You might have some fun fiddling with it.
Best wishes.

Hello Hugh,

I appreciate your input and for commenting, but I think I will leave it as it is...

[Brigid Briton]

Hi Lisa,

It's good to see you back here. I'm by no means an expert on haiku (although I do love the form) but I think the goal is usually to express a moment in time in seventeen syllables or less. Even though modern haiku bend the rules, the bend is usually toward less not more than the traditional 5-7-5 syllables. (Yours is 6-8-7).

Simplicity is usually preferred over embellishment. "Tangerine-tango sky" is quite lush and pretty but I'm not sure what it means and it's definitely not "simple".

I'm also not sure about your use of the word "rustic" to describe mountains. I think it's generally used to describe something that was created by humans...a rustic village, a rustic kitchen, a rustic table. Mountains have a majesty that transcends any human endeavor and I think "rustic" diminishes them.

With the exception of the word rustic applied to mountains, I think this is a quite lovely poem or part of a poem. I don't think it's really a haiku. I know that the rules for haiku have been stretched to the limit by Twitter, where everyone is a haiku writer, so this can still be called a haiku.

But, I think it would be more effective if expanded a bit and not called a haiku. You are a gifted writer and I think you could really take this places that are not bound by any standards with regard to length.

Brigid

[Lisa Arnold]

thanks Brigid for the kind comments about my writing....and yes I agree with you about this not being a true haiku...

in my mind, "tangerine tango" is just another way to say "brilliant orange sky"

that is funny that you mentioned "majestic" because that was my first word choice over "rustic"

when I used "rustic" I wast thinking of countryside mountains or mountains found in rural areas....

this poem as it is is already included in my upcoming book, so it may have to stay as it is for now...but down the line I may revise it

Lisa

[diannet]

I think rustic is fine, it says in definition" relating to the country", and mountains in that sense do.
I think although it may not sit exactly as a haiku by definition, it's still a great short poem and I might disagree with Brigid again as I think Tangerine Tango for me illuminates everything like a painting, the scene and the elements. A colourful movement which to create in such a short poem is quite brilliant.
In the interests of sticking to strict haiku maybe use "reach" instead of "tower" in the first line omit "sky" in the second line and the third take out "across"...though I'd rather not personally. I love the picture and feeling it creates, I can see myself there and that's the essence of a true haiku... I think!

[Brigid Briton]

Hi Lisa,

Well, yeah, it would be a bit difficult revising your whole book just because of my critique! I hope you noticed that one of our mods, Dianne, completely disagreed with my opinion. That's one of the things I love about this forum. We can disagree and present our differing viewpoints without giving each other offense. (I hope!) And, I think in doing so, that we all learn a little something from each other.

We're very glad you're here and hope you'll be around a bit more often now that your book is nearing completion.

Brigid

[Lisa Arnold]

Aug 2, 2012 17:47:20 GMT -6 diannet said:

I think rustic is fine, it says in definition" relating to the country", and mountains in that sense do.
I think although it may not sit exactly as a haiku by definition, it's still a great short poem and I might disagree with Brigid again as I think Tangerine Tango for me illuminates everything like a painting, the scene and the elements. A colourful movement which to create in such a short poem is quite brilliant.
In the interests of sticking to strict haiku maybe use "reach" instead of "tower" in the first line omit "sky" in the second line and the third take out "across"...though I'd rather not personally. I love the picture and feeling it creates, I can see myself there and that's the essence of a true haiku... I think!

thanks Dianne, I like it the way it is too, but I see Hugh and Brigid's points as well, certainly gives me much to think about

[Lisa Arnold]

Aug 2, 2012 20:18:54 GMT -6 Brigid Briton said:

Hi Lisa,

Well, yeah, it would be a bit difficult revising your whole book just because of my critique! I hope you noticed that one of our mods, Dianne, completely disagreed with my opinion. That's one of the things I love about this forum. We can disagree and present our differing viewpoints without giving each other offense. (I hope!) And, I think in doing so, that we all learn a little something from each other.

We're very glad you're here and hope you'll be around a bit more often now that your book is nearing completion.

Brigid

oh yes, I agree, varying opinions are healthy for writers and no offense taken at all...I am glad to be part of youe wonderful site and will drop by more often

have a wonderful weekend!

Lisa

[eiken]

Lisa,
I am a less is more haiku writer and use of simple language is key to haiku and one adjective is fine, two is overload.

rustic mountains (4)
against a tangerine sky (7)
the bay stirs (3)

The first two connect as the phrase and the last line is the fragment. This is important in haiku also.

Your poem is beautiful as it is but it has too many syllables to be a haiku.

[Lisa Arnold]

Aug 6, 2012 16:54:49 GMT -6 eiken said:

Lisa,
I am a less is more haiku writer and use of simple language is key to haiku and one adjective is fine, two is overload.

rustic mountains (4)
against a tangerine sky (7)
the bay stirs (3)

The first two connect as the phrase and the last line is the fragment. This is important in haiku also.

Your poem is beautiful as it is but it has too many syllables to be a haiku.

Hi Eiken,

thanks for commenting...it's much appreciated

[Fire Monkey]

Personally, I rather like Tangerine Tango as a descriptive phrase specifically because it only hints at a meaning and therefore causes the reader to have to stretch a bit to understand it. To me, this is a positive thing as it caused one to contemplate the poem and in so doing it expands the mind.

[Lisa Arnold]

Aug 7, 2012 1:47:41 GMT -6 Fire Monkey said:

Personally, I rather like Tangerine Tango as a descriptive phrase specifically because it only hints at a meaning and therefore causes the reader to have to stretch a bit to understand it. To me, this is a positive thing as it caused one to contemplate the poem and in so doing it expands the mind.

Hello Firemonkey,

thank you so much

[Lisa Arnold]

Hello All,

I took everyone's advice under consideration and thougt it over for a few days and I came to the conclusion that it may work best as a Gogyohka


here is the revised version



TANGERINE TANGO – A Gogyohka



rustic mountains tower
tangerine-tango
morning sky
across the bay
echoes stir


©2012 Lisa Arnold


thank you Brigid for introducing me to this form


thank you all for your comments and suggestions . I am still tinkering with my manuscript and will be sending it off to the publisher this weekend, so I will see you all next week ;D