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copper
Aug 22, 2012 2:48:43 GMT -6
Post by eiken on Aug 22, 2012 2:48:43 GMT -6
walking along a copper river the softness of earth
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copper
Aug 26, 2012 2:54:28 GMT -6
Post by diannet on Aug 26, 2012 2:54:28 GMT -6
Hi Eiken, I love the visual of the copper river and I can see this haiku but I wonder if it could be re thought, it doesn't hit me like your usual haiku. Maybe I am being picky. I just think something is missing in the picture. Maybe... walking beside a copper river footsteps fall silent You might think of something better, I haven't been exactly dabbling in haiku lately, so inspiration is lacking... maybe it is the sound? Sorry if I haven't been too helpful...
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copper
Aug 26, 2012 14:25:39 GMT -6
Post by Neal Allen (snowtracks) on Aug 26, 2012 14:25:39 GMT -6
Good contrast between walking and the river which clearly doesn't walk but flows. The effect on me is that the flowing of the river softens the walking in keeping with the last line. Copper is a beautiful soft metal and is also soft and beautiful in color with a warm soft feel about it. In short all the images meld well for me.
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copper
Aug 26, 2012 17:19:00 GMT -6
Post by diannet on Aug 26, 2012 17:19:00 GMT -6
Oh well...there you go Eiken two differing opinions... I did think about the aspect of copper being a soft metal, but must say in the end that didn't really make it gel for me but there you go it works for others...like I said maybe I was being picky
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copper
Aug 27, 2012 8:20:16 GMT -6
Post by eiken on Aug 27, 2012 8:20:16 GMT -6
Dianne and Neal, Thank you both for your insightful comments, haiku is a form that is open to interpretation by the reader really and it is up to the writer to make it open or closed. I like what you suggest Dianne, it gives it a very spiritual sense with the silence of footfall. Our rivers and streams are copper coloured from the iron in the water. I had been walking with a group but when I ventured away to the waterside, I noticed the softness of the earth because I was more in tune with my surroundings alone but also because of the closeness to the water where the earth was softer. We were on our way to holy wells so I like your version Dianne, it works on the spiritual sense for me and on the practical level, Neal's comments are perfect. I appreciate your thoughts always, everyone has good input here, it is all taken with appreciation
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