Windows (a pensee)

[diannet]

Through pane
I see the world
waking to another day
pressing my face against cold glass
my soul breathes to escape

[Brigid Briton]

Hi Dianne,

Well, it's taken me a while to get to this. I'm sorry to see no one else has commented either.

I really like the poem from the play on words (pane/pain) to the loneliness and longing it evokes.

Since the pensee is new to both of us, I hardly feel that I'm a qualified judge, but, although your syllable count is correct, I don't think you've got the formula exactly right.

Through pane (this should be the subject of the poem)
I see the world (this should be a description but it's an action)
waking to another day (this correctly contains an action)
pressing my face against cold glass (should be the setting, not another action)
my soul breathes to escape (correctly contains a final thought)

I'm thinking something more like this would fit the pensee formula:

Lonely
gray winter day
peering through the icy pane
from my cozy little bedroom
my soul breathes to escape.

I really do think that the pensee is a fun form. It almost gives us a "paint by numbers" format to follow. The real challenge comes in following it!

Since I'm by no means an expert, though, I'm going to send Lisa, who introduced the form to us, a PM asking her to weigh in here.

I hope all is well with you. This poem brought me a special breath of fresh air, since our seemingly endless summer is still hanging on here.

Brigid

[diannet]

Ah... I'm always missing an ingredient when I fiddle with form... I may have another go at some point. Brigid, I think yours is a lot better. Thanks I will do a little more study before the next attempt.

[eiken]

Dianne,
I like this and don't know a lot about the pensee to comment but it worked!! I also liked Brigid's version, both were beautiful. Will have to give a pensee a go.