haiku (mixing)

[Brigid Briton]

Here's an old haiku of mine that I stumbled across recently

mixing metaphors
catching words like butterflies
her mind a steel trap

[dustandwater]

Brigid,

I love to see wordplay in poetry. Always adds a little something.

I wonder... to emphasise the point about mixing metaphors and also to apply the traditional two phases, might a slight shuffle strengthen the piece?

mixing metaphors she
catches words in steel-trap mind
butterflies

Now, I know it's quite different from your original and you may well hate it. However, I have basically only changed the order of the parts and my reasoning is thus: in the original, your use of 'like' makes a simile and so makes the transition from 'words' to 'butterflies' quite clear. The notion of mixing metaphors is generally one that suggests inconsistency and is difficult to follow. In my edit, the stand-alone 'butterflies' could appear to be tacked on with no reason, but of course with a little thought we realise it is a call back to the idea of 'catching' in the previous phase. This disjointedness is more congruent with the idea of mixed metaphors - though to be one-hundred-percent technical and pedantic, I still wouldn't really call it a mixed metaphor as there is ultimately only one metaphor here.

Aaaanyway. I hope I haven't stepped on toes; discard as you please, I suppose.

As I said, I love wordplay in poetry and I very much enjoyed the sentiment behind this one. That's really why I had such an urge to play about with it.

-D&W

[Brigid Briton]

Hiya d&w,

Thanks for your well thought-out critique.

Please don't ever think that you step on my toes. I actually love it when someone takes the time to give serious thought to one of my pieces and to offer an alternative approach.

As forum administrator, I sometimes feel that the cloak of authority, which I wear only because someone has to, is mistaken for armor, making people reluctant to find even the teeniest fault. Since I am far from an authority on poetry, this is actually pretty funny.

The purpose of the forum, from my point of view, is for us to interact and learn from each other, therefore thoughtful critique is very important to me.

Knowing that it takes time to really get into a poem and to present alternatives, it means a lot to me when I read such well thought-out critiques (whether of my own work or the work of others). And you are one of the best at it, one of the reasons I have dogged you so shamelessly over the last couple of years to stick with us here.

All of that said, while I really like your version a great deal, I don't think it quite conveys what I was hoping to convey in my version. I was attempting to contrast the delicacy of a butterfly with the cruel overkill of a steel trap, which isn't exactly a mixed metaphor, more of a mixed message.

She loves words, the subtilties, the nuances, yet she pounces on them and captures them with abandon, and sometimes, without regard to the way she actually uses those words once she's captured them.

Your version is closer to the haiku tradition, and mine is more in the model of "Twitter haiku", meaning if it's got three lines of 5-7-5 syllables, it's considered a haiku. Of course, neither is a true haiku because they're human-focused rather than nature-focused.

Whether I agree with you or not, I always enjoy seeing the way your finely-honed mind works.

Brigid

[eiken]

Brigid,
Love this, the idea of the mind being a steel trap for words and butterflies flitting in and out is lovely.