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Heaven
Nov 5, 2012 11:37:11 GMT -6
Post by dustandwater on Nov 5, 2012 11:37:11 GMT -6
to float among the stars looking on heaven above and below
Original:
To float among the stars looking on heaven above and below.
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Heaven
Nov 6, 2012 10:25:56 GMT -6
Post by Brigid Briton on Nov 6, 2012 10:25:56 GMT -6
Hi d&w,
While this is lovely, I'm bothered by it not being a complete sentence. How would it be if you said:
"I float" or "we float" instead of "To float"?
As with any good poem, there's more to this than initially meets the eye. I've been thinking and thinking about "heaven above and below". Most of us don't tend to think of Earth as heaven, but, as Fire Monkey has pointed out in his recent "As Seen by the Heart", everything is a matter of perspective.
This makes me want to close my eyes and drift off to float among those stars...
Brigid
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Heaven
Nov 7, 2012 8:40:49 GMT -6
Post by dustandwater on Nov 7, 2012 8:40:49 GMT -6
Hi, Brigid.
Thanks for reading. You are quite right about this not being a full sentence. However, the infinitive "to float" expresses desire to experience, so "I float" would preclude that.
Instead, I have removed the punctuation, meaning that it is just a phrase. It also makes it a Gogyohka, which of course uses no punctuation and needs not be a complete sentence.
Though I might not have followed your actual suggestion, it has led to a much improved piece, even with such small alteration. Thank you.
-D&W
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Heaven
Nov 8, 2012 4:49:28 GMT -6
Post by diannet on Nov 8, 2012 4:49:28 GMT -6
I love this one, it's like an out of body experience, picturing yourself with heaven above and below...very nice indeed.
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Heaven
Nov 8, 2012 7:45:02 GMT -6
Post by Brigid Briton on Nov 8, 2012 7:45:02 GMT -6
Hi d&w,
Is it me or did something happen to the real original? The only difference I see between the two versions now is that one is in italics.
Even though not in keeping with the zen nature of a gogyohka, I might be tempted to add an "ah" or an "oh" to the beginning of the phrase to make it a stronger expression of the desire to float...
But, then, I'm reminded of a quote from a Nicholas Sparks book that I saw yesterday on Twitter: "poetry, she thought, wasn't written to be analyzed; it was meant to inspire without reason, to touch without understanding"...
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