Stardust Tanka

[diannet]

slither of a moon
curves your smile upon the night
my heartbeat the stars
map stardust trails to follow
a night owl calls I am here

Revised
slither of a moon
curves your smile upon the night
my heartbeat the stars
stardust maps trails to follow
a night owl calls I am here

[Neal Allen (snowtracks)]

Hi Dianne. To be honest I am battling to really get to grips with the Tanka. I have read about it but it seems complex. You seem to have mastered it though and your poem is quite beautiful. I can picture the new moon smiling down and inspiring soaring emotions that can scarcely be described. The old owl brings us back to reality but without taking us away from the magic of the night. Thank you. This could well be a form worth getting into.

[diannet]

I promised myself after doing one of D&W's focus on tanka I would do more of them...what I really liked was the idea that lovers would slip these little poems to each other written on rice paper. I think it's just gorgeous, and a quiet secret. So I tried to think of two lovers who are apart, staring at the night sky, the stars leaving a trail to link them together. The things we think about when we can't sleep hey!

[dustandwater]

diannet,

There is a lovely sentiment beneath this and an emotion that makes perfect use of the Tanka form.

When I first read this, I found it very difficult and it took a few readings. I have come to the conclusion that there is a tiny grammatical error in the fourth line, where 'maps' should be 'map' referring to the stars in plural.

If however I am wrong, I must admit that that particular line throws the poem completely of kilter for me. I'm keen to see your response.

-D&W

[diannet]

Yep you're correct, is much better. Hope that reads better now, not so much off kilter.

[SweetSilverBird]

I didn't find it off kilter at all. I thought of 'maps' as sort of the eye scanning the stars or charting the course of a meteor. But anyways, Dianne, this poem made me absolutely gasp with pure pleasure. It really touched me as a terminal romantic, and the idea of these secret notes turning out like this is very intriguing to my teeny tiny mind.

It is not my style of poem to write, and I envy your very formidable grasp of this form. More?

[Brigid Briton]

Hello Dianne,

Well, I've read this over many times and I feel very much like the odd woman out because I don't understand the flow of this at all. I've been trying to punctuate it in my mind to make it more clear to me. This is the best I can do:

Slither of a moon
Curves your smile upon the night,

My heartbeat the stars.

Map stardust trails to follow*

A night owl calls I am here.

*this leaves the "map" line all alone and I know that I'm missing something. Is it the stars that map the trails, is it the heartbeat, or, perhaps the moon? I'm feeling really dense since everyone else seems to understand this perfectly.

I know that it is not in keeping with the 5-7-5-7-7 syllable count of the tanka to arrange the poem as follows, but this seems more clear to me:

Slither of a moon
Maps stardust trails to follow
Curves your smile upon the night
My heartbeat the stars
A night owl calls I am here

I understand and appreciate the beautiful romantic impulse behind this...I just wish that I could get it as written.

Another thing is that the first words in lines of tanka (as with haiku) are not capitalized. I think that capitalizing the first word of each line distracts from the flow, since our minds are used to capital letters at the start of each new sentence.

I will be so happy when you, or perhaps one of the others who "got it" can set me straight on this. I really am feeling quite inadequate right now!

[Neal Allen (snowtracks)]

Ah Brigid. You subtly mock us. Actually I clearly said I found it hard to understand. I just admired the imagery and acknowledged that Dianne seems to have mastered it.

[SweetSilverBird]

Yes, Brigid - you mustn't feel that I know anything about Tankas. The complexity of what looks to be simplicity in a tanka is too profound for one such as I. But I was knocked off my feet by the sheer beauty of the thought. First time ever for me really, from any kind of Japanese poetry. It's never really touched me much before. But this one did. Maybe it touches me because I don't know the rules, but this poem stands alone for its tenderness.

[diannet]

Okay, I am no whiz at tanka either, as I said I was having trouble sleeping and thought I would have a go...this is the second or third I've written. I just remember from the form focus that the original idea of tanka was lovers passing notes to each other written on rice paper, maybe young lovers or those who for one reason or another couldn't be together or would be apart for a time. It also is supposed to have a seasonal or nature element to it. So with that in mind I thought of the night and as Deb says it's a thought, a metaphor because it was only supposed to be understood by the lovers, it was their secret. That's how I understand the original tanka to be.

So with that in mind his smile/or hers is the slither of the moon, the stars are the heartbeat that map out a trail of stardust (like crumbs) that lead to each other... here I was thinking of the stars being used as a navigational tool...the hoot of the owl I am here... is just x marks the spot on some ethereal plane where they can be together if only in their hearts.

Muslim women too have a form of poetry (the name of it escapes me at present) that they write in secret beneath their burkas... I love this idea of poetry being so important for lovers and women who don't have the freedom to be.

The capitals could be removed that was just a mistake on my part, and thinking on it map or maps would be okay as that was to indicate the two lovers mapping out a way to be together when physically they could not.

I do know as with haiku, tanka loses something in English and it should probably adhere to a different structure in English, so I will need to look into it further as I go but for now I just stick to the 57577 until I really know what I am doing.

So I hope this explains my thought processes behind this poem. I thank you all for your comments.


Deb so glad you enjoyed it, as I felt quite happy with it I must admit and the idea of that secret passion contained is such a little notes intrigues the romantic in me too...

[Brigid Briton]

Hi Neal,

No, I was not mocking any of you. I really felt like I must have been missing some essential connection in this piece.

Japanese poetry is meant to be simple and straightforward. The language should not be such that the reader is confused or that he/she has to read a piece over and over in order for it to make sense. Unfortunately, the latter is the case for me with Dianne's poem...

Dianne,

It's not that I didn't understand the parts of the poem, it's that the connection of the parts isn't the smoothest. I truly think that this is an example of how strict adherence to form (5-7-5-7-7) can detract from the flow or meaning of the poem. I think the following would make this far easier to understand:

slither of a moon
curves your smile upon the night
my heartbeat
the stars map
stardust trails to follow
a night owl calls I am here

I think the line that is the most troublesome is the third line, "my heartbeat the stars" when your intention is to say that "the stars map stardust trails".

As you probably know, "modern" haiku and tanka no longer require strict adherence to the syllable formula, the tendency being towards fewer syllables that successfully capture a moment, rather than making a poem a "numbers game". For me syllable count is a far less important part of a haiku or tanka than clarity and flow.

I do think you've captured a lovely mood here, but I feel that, if you want to stick to the traditional tanka formula of 5-7-5-7-7, the third and fourth lines should be reworked for clarity's sake.

I by no means claim to be an expert on haiku or tanka, but I think that simplicity is one of their key elements.

[diannet]

Thanks Brigid for your thoughts but I will respectfully disagree. Personally I don't see how there is a difference between your version and mine with regards to clarity. My heartbeat the stars makes sense to me...each beat each twinkle... I appreciate your thoughts and have looked over my poem but I feel quite happy with the structure and flow of the original.

[Brigid Briton]

Hi Dianne,

I agree that "my heartbeat the stars" makes sense. But, then the next line doesn't. That's the point I'm trying to make about the connection, or the transition from line to line.

The bottom line with any work is whether it pleases you. That is ultimately the reason most of us write. I respect all the work you've been putting into your writing and your willingness to take on new forms (some of which I won't even attempt) and wouldn't want you to change something that truly pleases you. And, I'd say that the preponderance of opinion seems to be that your poem works just as it is, so I'll put a zip on it...

[dustandwater]

Hi, Brigid and diannet.

I had read this slightly differently, it seems, and had shoehorned it into my interpretation somewhat, if I'm honest.

I think, ultimately, it seems that there is one clause (or 'breath' as they're traditionally referred to in much Japanese form) too many.

With the intentions that have been put forward in the latest comments, it seems that perhaps the original (maps) was in fact better, if the verb (to map) refers back to the heartbeat rather than the stars.

I think there is too much happening in lines 3 and 4, perhaps. This is probably amplified by the Japanese tradition of not using punctuation as a few commas would maybe clear things up.

Maybe you could break these two lines up as caesura rather than enjambing them so that line three makes the heartbeat=stars metaphor and then line 4 is a separate notion:

stardust maps a trail to follow


Then, the first three lines personify the night sky, giving a powerful backdrop to the journey that is described in lines 4 and 5, where the lover comes to her partner.

-D&W

[diannet]

Hi D&W thankyou for your response, I do like your suggestion with the idea of separating the personification of night and then the journey, and I do like what you came up with... only it doesn't adhere to the 7 syllables, so I did change it in the revised version but must admit I still prefer the original.

Maybe it would help to insert a comma or two.

I may be stubborn but I do like to adhere to the 57577, I enjoy sticking to the tradition and I think therein lies a challenge.

I was reading this article on tanka last night and found it rather interesting... www.ahapoetry.com/feelart.htm

I think there are many ways to look at this form and some like me enjoy sticking to the original syllable count. Either way I am still quite enthralled by this form hope to write some more.

[eiken]

Dianne,
I am not well up with Tanka but it is really a longer haiku I think and I like what Brigid has given as input. A fine discussion going on here, I won't add too much more.