Shimmer in Darkness

[lavenderblu]

Reflections of blue
Ghost crabs shimmer life
On the moonlit dunes


revised:

reflections of blue
ghost crabs shimmer life
on moonlit dunes

[SweetSilverBird]

Welcome to my friend Lavenderblu. I don't know much about haiku, but I know a lovely sentiment and talent when I hear it. You have been much needed here, as our liege Brigid, needs another haiku lover. So glad to see you here!!! <hug>

[Brigid Briton]

Hello lavenderblu,

Welcome to the forum! This is a perfectly lovely debut. I can just see those little critters "dancing" in the dark.

It's actually a bit too long for a haiku, which generally have 5-7-5 syllables (or fewer, in modern haiku) but it paints a pretty picture nonetheless.

The haiku version would probably go more like this:

reflected shimmers
ghost crabs on the moonlit dunes
twinkling in the dark

or, a modern haiku version:

blue shimmers
ghost crabs on moonlit dunes
twinkling

It's very clear to me that you have a way with words and I look forward to seeing more of your work, especially if you're a friend of Deb's, since any friend of hers is more than welcome here. (She's a bit of a superstar herself!)



Brigid

[Neal Allen (snowtracks)]

Welcome Lavenderblu. I am also not a Haiku officiate so I will leave the crit of this poem in Brigid's capable hands. Glad to have you on board.

[diannet]

Gorgeous, can just imagine those ghost crabs beneath the moonlight. And welcome Lavenderblu... look forward to reading more of your poetry.

[hazelmsmith]

very pretty, Lavendarblu - a really nice start - I never good get the hang of haiku so well done.

[Brigid Briton]

Hiya LB,

I noticed that you've revised this and, yes, this version is more in keeping with haiku.

In the future, would you please leave the original version up and simply add your revised version above it in your post, labeling both original and revision.

This allows people to see the progression of your work and it also allows comments such as the one I made to remain relevant.

Thanks a lot.

[eiken]

Lavenderblue,

I have not been around for a while due to illness but I have some time and feel well today and thought I would visit haikuland, a place I love to write and visit here.

I really love your visuals in this haiku but it needs to be pared back. Haiku requires the minimum of words to show the reader what you are seeing/experiencing. It consists of a fragment and a phrase so a one liner that sets the scene either in the first line or the last line and two lines that connect somehow.

blue reflections-- (the one liner setting the scene of the sea)
ghost crabs shimmer
moonlit dunes

"life" is possibly not needed, if they are shimmering, there is life and "on" is also not really necessary. Only what is truly necessary is the key to haiku. Less is always more. Hope this helps I look forward to seeing more of your work here. E

[lavenderblu]

Thank you for taking the time to visit. You have made some very good suggestions. Especially, omitting "life" . I was instructed a 5-7-5 cadence. Perhaps, paring back to 3-5-3 would be even better. I have many moments I wish to express with Haiku. I will be shouting from the rooftops when my fellow artists see my vision.
I tend to be quite lengthy in normal conversation. I step up to the challenge that " less is more". My mind needs to adapt. I am excited to try.

Cheerfully,
LB

[eiken]

Lavenderblue,
I began haiku by writing only 5, 7, 5 and found it difficult to move away from it but once I did, I realised how redundant words destroyed haiku and when I read Jane Reichold's book on haiku, I understood the overloading of adjectives and words ... only what is truly required makes the best haiku. I write one, then check it and see what words can I still take out until it is truly only what is needed.

Glad you are back writing, keep on putting your haiku out because they are gifts of moments and each of your haiku is beautiful, just tiny paring back is all is required and maybe not - your the writer, you decide. Hugs and love from Ireland on this morning of hail and sleet.