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Post by lavenderblu on Nov 26, 2012 23:19:56 GMT -6
Sandy jet black night Fire on the water blazes Blazing moon rises
revised:
sandy black night blazing horizon moonrise as fire on the water
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Post by SweetSilverBird on Nov 27, 2012 3:06:55 GMT -6
These are strong images lavenderblu. It makes me think of the gulf fires and tar coming in onto the beach.. and the fires from oil spills. I wonder what inspired you. Could you tell us what you were visualizing as you brought this haiku into being? It's great when a new poet comes onto the forum, because then its a new mind.. a totally new soul, with so much to give to us in poetry.
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Post by lavenderblu on Nov 27, 2012 15:23:27 GMT -6
Thank you for such a sweet comment. You are right in that this Haïku evokes strong visual images.I doubted myself time and time again as to whether I should even post it, but I decided to go ahead and post it. Perhaps, I went a little too dark since it was an alarming, but awesome sight. What I was attempting to describe an experience I had in 1985. A friend and myself were out on the beach at midnight. We looked up out to the east towards the ocean and on the horizon we saw a brillant, blazing, orange and yellow burst of something. We came to the assumption that a large shrimping boat must be on fire. As minutes passed, we realized as the dark gray clouds floated aside, a spectacular harvest moon was rising over the océan. My expérience that night is still etched in my mind to this day. I can still sée it when I close my eyes.
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Post by SweetSilverBird on Nov 27, 2012 15:43:28 GMT -6
Oh that was quite a remarkable heady moment! It must really have looked a lot like fire, and I suppose this time of year also brings the memory back. It's good to dip from our personal wells of such magic, and whirl them up into poems so that others can experience the enchantment as well if only vicariously. Or perhaps you will trigger a fond memory in someone else of their own moon.
Very mystical.
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Post by Brigid Briton on Nov 29, 2012 12:52:55 GMT -6
Hi LB,
This is a strong, haunting, image indeed. I'm still not clear, though, either by your haiku or by your narrative, whether a shrimp boat was actually involved, or whether this memorable sight was all due to the large, harvest moon.
My understanding of haiku is that it's all about capturing a moment with as much simplicity as possible. There is normally no punctuation (unless absolutely necessary for clarity's sake) and there is no capitalization at the beginning of lines. Think of a haiku as a fragment of a note snatched from a fire. In that fragment, we are lucky enough to find a moment in time, perfectly captured, without regard for the "laws" of punctuation. This fragment should contain as few words (and syllables) as possible to convey the image.
I have even read opinions that no more than one adjective should be used to describe each noun. There should also be no repetition of words.
In your haiku, he word night has no fewer than three adjective attached to it. In this case, I think I'd take that down to two, eliminating "jet", since the word "sandy" is really necessary to set the stage for this occuring on a beach and black is necessary to indicate just how dark it was.
You really don't need the "blazes" in line two, especially when you're using "blazing" in line three.
Also, articles are generally avoided unless, again, absolutely necessary.
So, your haiku:
Sandy jet black night Fire on the water blazes Blazing moon rises
would become:
sandy black night fire on water blazing moon rises
Remember, haiku are different from traditional English and American forms, which often tend to be more of a celebration of words and flowery descriptions than their more "zen" counterparts. The haiku is intended to be a celebration of a moment, one that the writer has felt deeply and, with a minimum amout of embellishment, can make the reader feel deeply as well.
I think that you are definitely on the right track with your work. Haiku, like anything else, take practice. As lovers of words, we poets tend to want to use lots and lots of them. Haiku ask us to suspend that tendency.
Brigid
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Post by Nisse Tomtenisse on Nov 30, 2012 22:41:42 GMT -6
frosty breath morning... few words make haiku thrifty value rigour too
As well as being thrifty with words, there is also a formality with Haiku. It is this formality that along with the brevity of words that make it as much an exercise of the mind of the writer as it is something for the reader. Placing the observation and thought into so few words forces the writer to conform their thoughts into what is not necessarily a natural mode for them. It makes you shake off the more normal way of thinking to look at things slightly differently. But it isn't just using an elegant carving knife to trim away all fat and all unnecessary wordage. It is also fitting it into certain format. Meaning that fewer words do not fit either.
sun
Is very short and very elegant too — but not Haiku.
Too many rules are not good either and adding them where they are not, is not appropriate. My own Haiku doesn't fit properly either. I'm not half the Haiku writer I once was. ...was a time I'd write 5 before breakfast and I would work to put a seasonal reference in and they'd have an observational reference to what I had seen and have a knife like divider between two thoughts and make a grand observation based on the immediate observation... like I said, I'm not half the Haiku writer I once was...
Perhaps it is my favourite form other than free form...
But... I'm a writer, not a reader.
I could never figure out why I wasn't much into reading poetry... but I do love a good Haiku... keep on ku lavenderblue!
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Post by Brigid Briton on Dec 1, 2012 9:23:15 GMT -6
Greetings Nisse Tomtenisse, Congratulations on being one of the first "guests" to ever comment on our forum. You are definitely the first Swedish (mythical?) farm protector to comment. As a person who feels passionately about haiku, you would be such a welcome addition to this forum. I hope that you will think about joining us as a member and sharing some of your work with us. Brigid
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Post by eiken on Dec 5, 2012 10:37:56 GMT -6
Lavenderblue, Wonderful imagery again, you do great haiku but many words are redundant and the reader can see the picture better if you simplify the description. Brigid got here before me and I totally agree with her input. Fire on water is just a wonderful sight, lovely work but just some paring back as Brigid has helped you with.
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Post by lavenderblu on Dec 24, 2012 14:30:30 GMT -6
Thanks to all for your comments. I will keep practicing.
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Post by eiken on Dec 26, 2012 5:20:25 GMT -6
Lavenderblue, You are doing just great, well done and I will help you anytime you I am around.
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Post by lavenderblu on Dec 27, 2012 13:27:17 GMT -6
Thank you for the support while I try improving. I will try paring back. It doe require more imagination. I have it, need to put it into form
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