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moon
Jan 2, 2013 10:15:12 GMT -6
Post by eiken on Jan 2, 2013 10:15:12 GMT -6
a snow moon drifts smoky skies deep winter
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moon
Jan 3, 2013 0:03:41 GMT -6
Post by dustandwater on Jan 3, 2013 0:03:41 GMT -6
Hi, eiken.
I know you do a lot in the Haiku section, so I'm sure you know better than I; with that in mind, we'll approach this as a question and that way, if I'm wrong, I can learn something.
It seems to me that this is split into three phases: moon drifting - sky - Winter.
Of course, the Winter phase is your seasonal reference. If you put 'drifts in/through smoky skies' to make the first part fit into a single phrase, would that make this a stronger Haiku (this, based on my understanding that the Haiku should be split into two phases). Is it best to avoid preposition altogether?
Also, I think I would take out the article at the beginning and make the first line just 'snow moon'.
What do you say?
-D&W
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moon
Jan 4, 2013 6:41:33 GMT -6
Post by eiken on Jan 4, 2013 6:41:33 GMT -6
D&W, You are right, haiku consists of a phrase and a fragment and in this case, deep winter is my stand alone. Initially I had what you have suggested so perhaps it is a good idea to put it back to that. snow moon drifts through smoky skies deep winter and then I looked at it and thought .....the moon drifts the sky so it is not necessary for the word "through", the reader knows the moon is drifting through clouds so through was redundant. The light of the moon (snow being a full moon) was contrasted by the smoky clouds and depth of winter darkness. The article was necessary to create a phrase but as you say, it can be taken out too. snow moon drifts smoky skies deep winter This is acceptable too but reads choppy for me. snow moon drifts through smoky skies deep winter This does sound better - I think you are right Less is more but sometimes more is better and when you write a lot of haiku, it is difficult to see this. Thank you for your analysis, appreciate it!!!
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moon
Jan 4, 2013 8:13:37 GMT -6
Post by dustandwater on Jan 4, 2013 8:13:37 GMT -6
Thanks for your thorough response, eiken.
That was one of my less confident critiques so I'm glad to know I was on the right track.
I didn't say, but I certainly enjoyed the imagery - I like that you kept it traditional with the seasonal reference and I think that together, the ideas that are present create a great image.
Something about your smoky sky makes for a very emotive piece and it's very easy to feel the chill of the moment.
-D&W
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moon
Jan 4, 2013 18:06:33 GMT -6
Post by diannet on Jan 4, 2013 18:06:33 GMT -6
Hi Eiken, this is a lovely image, from reading a lot of poetry around the place, the moon and winter seem to be a strong image. As we don't get snow during winter I feel there must be something quite magical to see the two together. Very nice.
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moon
Jan 6, 2013 14:53:30 GMT -6
Post by eiken on Jan 6, 2013 14:53:30 GMT -6
D&W In January, on a clear day before dusk the skies become smokey (with chimney smoke) but also the darkness gathering into night. It does give a chill to the ku. Thank you for your comments Dianne, Thank you for your thoughts. We don't get much snow where I am so I chose the snow moon because it was a full moon recently and each full moon has a name depending on the month and with the smoky skies drifting across the light, it gave the dusk depth and and a chill at this deep winter period. The solstice has passed so it is getting brighter now, I look forward to Spring and lighter evenings again
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moon
Jan 7, 2013 21:47:08 GMT -6
Post by Brigid Briton on Jan 7, 2013 21:47:08 GMT -6
Hi eiken, Another lovely piece. I'm glad to see that dustandwater ventured into Haikuland. Ya know, I think he's got the hang of it! This is the version I liked best: snow moon drifts smoky skies deep winter It has that bare-bones simplicity that is especially appropriate for winter ku. Lovely!
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moon
Jan 10, 2013 6:55:52 GMT -6
Post by eiken on Jan 10, 2013 6:55:52 GMT -6
Thanks Brigid, it is my favourite one too, D&W should be here more often
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