|
Slave
Jan 5, 2013 22:10:22 GMT -6
Post by dustandwater on Jan 5, 2013 22:10:22 GMT -6
Never let them get to you let your passion burn. Even though they shackle you, it's what you choose to feel that's true; keep your mind away from them and deep inside, you shall have freedom.
Keep on keeping on, dance your dance, sing your song, move your merry self along.
But resolve grows thin and short and time is tough and long.
You let them take your soul so you belong and never look them in the eye never yours to reason why just do as you are told getting busy growing old.
Get on getting on, play your game, sharpen your tongue, move your wicked self along.
Oh how time has weakened you, when you were once so strong.
|
|
|
Slave
Jan 6, 2013 10:12:51 GMT -6
Post by Neal Allen (snowtracks) on Jan 6, 2013 10:12:51 GMT -6
Hello D&W
Powerful motivation indeed for the one for whom it was written. I find the variation of rhyme and rhythm keeps the piece exciting right through.
My only reservation is that to me as a reader, the latter part of the poem seems to indicate that the person being addressed has already lost the battle and allowed his/her self to become dominated by another. The first stanza though seems to urge the subject not to allow this to happen as if the option still exists. Perhaps I am not reading it correctly but I would be interested in your take on that.
|
|
|
Slave
Jan 6, 2013 11:28:06 GMT -6
Post by dustandwater on Jan 6, 2013 11:28:06 GMT -6
Hi, Neal.
That is the case; the lines "But resolve grows thin and short and time is tough and long." are there to suggest a passage of time between the two parts of the poem.
I gather you think that is unclear? Do you think I could fix this by simply increasing the white space between?
-D&W
|
|
|
Slave
Jan 6, 2013 12:27:43 GMT -6
Post by Neal Allen (snowtracks) on Jan 6, 2013 12:27:43 GMT -6
Yes I understand now. I think it is the fact that the first stanza appears to be in the future progressive tense and then we move present progressive and on to the past tense. Perhaps this provides the tension you need in the poem. It was just an observation.
Regards
Neal Allen
|
|
|
Slave
Jan 6, 2013 20:36:04 GMT -6
Post by SweetSilverBird on Jan 6, 2013 20:36:04 GMT -6
D&W this is written with a keen contemplative darkness. I can feel the utter despair written into each observations. This is very gritty. I wish I could console both writer and the person that is written about - that all things change, and that all parts of life are worth the living - even the painful years.
|
|
|
Slave
Jan 8, 2013 15:06:35 GMT -6
Post by Brigid Briton on Jan 8, 2013 15:06:35 GMT -6
Hiya d&w,
I'm struck by the shift in perspective in this piece. In the first two stanzas, it seems that the narrator is giving advice to someone about how to be, how to live.
Then there's a bridge: "But resolve grows thin and short and time is tough and long".
Then the final three stanzas are more of an observation about what has actually happened over a period of time. It's almost like, "I told you how to act and now this!
Perhaps it was your intent to make this about someone talking to himself, in which case, it would be much more personal and cohesive if it written in the first person. "I never thought I'd let them get to me, that my passion would always burn..."
I think it would be much more powerful, if it is the narrator who realizes that he has betrayed himself by becoming something he never intended to be, rather than this information coming from an outside source.
I realize that you haven't yet had the chance to live (or avoid) the fulfillment of the second part of the poem, but I think that you can well imagine just how bad it would be to lose all the idealism you once had.
Other than this suggestion about using the first person, I have one caveat and that's to avoid using phrases like "never yours to reason why" since it is so familiar and well-worn.
As is usual with your work, this is a very deep and thought-provoking poem. For those of us whose lives have been more about compromise than we once thought they would be, it's also quite painful, the sign of a poem that really rings true.
Brigid
|
|
|
Slave
Jan 24, 2013 20:34:10 GMT -6
Post by Fire Monkey on Jan 24, 2013 20:34:10 GMT -6
Well written, you have captured the feelings well and expressed it in a way that is accessible.
|
|