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The Leaf
Feb 8, 2014 9:51:35 GMT -6
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Post by Mohd. Arshad on Feb 8, 2014 9:51:35 GMT -6
In slring It danced to joyous rain It would leap It would swing It would play With the wind
It rejoiced in the moonlight It smiled in the sunlight But it was sailing on time
In autumn It changed Its skin sagged And grew brown It is lying on the ground Forsaken, unsolicited Only crawling Rustling its pain Waiting for immortality
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Post by Brigid Briton on Feb 16, 2014 23:16:41 GMT -6
Hello M.A., and welcome to our forum. Sorry to be so long in responding, but I have been away for a while (as has almost every regular member of this forum). I notice that you've posted quite a few works and I admire your ambition. Time doesn't permit me to comment on them all, but I think you've really made a great start here. I spent some time wondering what slring was, but finally figured out that you must have meant Spring. Besides editing that word, I have a few suggestions for you. In the first stanza, it might be a bit more effective to use the active form of the verbs in lines 3 through 5, saying "leaping, swinging, playing", rather than "it would". Since you refer to Spring and Autumn, it might be more consistent to refer to Summer in the second stanza. I think you might omit "It is" from line 5 of the third stanza, to keep the tenses consistent. I'm not too sure about the use of the word "unsolicited". I think "unnoticed" might be a better fit. Now, just a word about one of poetry's cardinal rules: show, don't tell. When you say "its skin sagged, and grew brown", that clearly shows us that the leaf has changed. So you really don't need the preceding line which tells us that fact. I love the phrase "rustling its pain" in the last stanza. It is so poignant and sad. You've done a great job with this and please feel free to take my comments with a grain of salt. Again, we're very glad to have you here on the forum. I hope you'll stick around and perhaps comment on the works of other people. We're all hungry for feedback, and we'd love to have your thoughts on other people's work.
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