blackbird
Newbie
Is it enough to have the desire for greatness to be great?
Posts: 34
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Post by blackbird on Mar 11, 2014 3:32:46 GMT -6
Nothing But Grace by Jennifer McLean
No longer would I say I cannot take anymore At the end of the day I will not fall down to the floor
begging the burden be gone
Hundreds of days gone to the wounds to the war The hurt is still raging on Yet my tongue is still My back aches but I will Not bend to his delight For all I say and do feeds the fire in the belly of a gluttonous foe Cry out in broken despair knowing myself put me there Collapse beg for mercy relent repent and prepare For your needs have been met you gave and now get The rest of a life to save On my knees in servants pose I ask for nothing but grace warm wind hits my face in my head a tune plays over and yes over again happy birthday happy birthday your life can now begin
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Post by Brigid Briton on Mar 11, 2014 8:11:06 GMT -6
Hi Jennifer, Welcome to the forum. I like the message of acceptance, encouragement and hope you bring to us with this piece. It really isn't clear to me whether the following is referring to some type of abusive relationship or perhaps to a larger struggle between good and evil. Not that it's necessary that I completely grasp your meaning, rather that it just makes me wonder. "My back aches but I will Not bend to his delight For all I say and do feeds the fire in the belly of a gluttonous foe" Now a couple of technical things. First, you've probably noticed that I moved this to the rhyming poetry section because it rhymes. Second, I edited out some errant code that was at the end of the piece. I'm happy to see you here and I hope we'll be seeing more of you and your work. Brigid
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blackbird
Newbie
Is it enough to have the desire for greatness to be great?
Posts: 34
|
Post by blackbird on Mar 11, 2014 16:02:07 GMT -6
Thank you for your quick and kind thoughts on the poem I posted. I have never shared any of my writing with anyone really. I very much want the critique though, and do appreciate the honest feedback I have been observing on this site. I find it very refreshing from all the other forums I have been "stalking" over the last several months trying to find the place that would be the most beneficial to improve and gain insight in order to grow and better myself as a writer. I kept seeing people praised and praised for work that honestly...in my humble opinion..was ridiculous. It seems like if the person is active in the forum and commented quite a bit, people fell all over themselves to flatter them. I like the fair and honest opinion given and the sometimes hard to take critique that I see here. This may cause a "harder row to hoe" in gaining members....but in all reality isn't quality better than quantity? I think your doing a bang up job Brigid, and I will share and pass it on. Again, thank you.
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Post by Fire Monkey on Mar 12, 2014 2:12:12 GMT -6
I know what you mean about critiquing - it can be hard to hear honest opinions and observations and it is always nice to be told how wonderful a work is - but in the end, it is far more satisfying to have someone compliment your work on a site where you know they will tell you if they think it needs work than it is on a site where it's really just a measure of personal popularity and not a real comment on your work. Also, and for me, this is a big issue, if you want to get better you need to hear what needs improvement and that does not come from endless flattery.
I hope you find as I have that here you get honest opinions given in a friendly atmosphere. Stick around and you will find yourself welcome and you will get meaningful feedback.
Now, as for this poem - first I want to say I do like it, however, to me the ending feels weak - I understand the intent but the last two lines just seem to communicate the idea in a way that is less than the rest of the poem. It felt to me to be rather anticlimactic. I'm not sure what to suggest at the moment but somehow it just feels like it could be a stronger finish that still says the same thing - just in slightly different words. Wish I could be more helpful but I think my brain is a little burned out at this moment.
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Post by Brigid Briton on Mar 12, 2014 15:45:39 GMT -6
Thanks, Blackbird, for the lovely words. We have been working hard here to make this a friendly, honest and safe place for poets to share their work. There are some other forums where snark is the order of the day, but here we believe in helping each other to become better poets. Thanks for noticing, and especially thanks for saying so. If you know other poets, by all means, send them our way.
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Post by SweetSilverBird on Mar 13, 2014 15:36:08 GMT -6
I like this very much and could actually envision it morphing into a song. It's very deep and emotive. Good stuff!
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