The Loves of Our Lives: An Anniversary Poem

[Daniel Mark Extrom]

The Loves of Our Lives

How do we measure the times of our lives?
One year, it seems, moves into the next,
and we make our plans and tackle our tasks,
but can't find the time
to see where we stand;
and yet we move forward,
relentlessly forward,
taking quick pictures to store in our minds
for later remembrance
of the times of our lives.

How do we measure the choices we've made?
One path, it seems, leads to another,
and we make our journey
but sometimes we wonder
how it would be
if we'd taken the other;
and yet we've moved forward,
relentlessly forward,
holding each other, knowing it's right,
to be here together
this time of our lives.

How do we treasure the loves of our lives?
One choice, it seems, may lead to naught,
but we move onward,
hoping the next
will bring us a love
that lasts through the ages.
And so we moved forward,
relentlessly forward;
we found each other and we joined together,
finding we were
the loves of our lives.

How do we treasure the loves of our lives?
Our choice, we know, was so very right,
and we moved onward
building a life,
and lives of our children,
that love in return.
And so we moved forward,
relentlessly forward,
treasuring those lives, knowing so well
that the love that we've lived
is so fairly measured
by the love that we see
in the hearts of our children.




Copyright Daniel Mark Extrom 2008-2014.

[Fire Monkey]

Nice poem, solid sentiment and well written. It reads well.

[Reilley]

I like this a lot Daniel, the sentiment is real, and it comes across well.

Only one thing jumped out at me, throwing me off the rhythm of the piece  is the repetition of:

How do we treasure the loves of our lives?


It seemed to me that the first line, setting up the substance of the stanza, gave pacing a measurement to the reading. Each seemed distinct, and self-contained. So the repeated line threw me off, just a bit.

If it were mine, I might change treasure to honor, or value, or cherish, in one of them.

Of course, your mileage may vary. 

[Daniel Mark Extrom]

Thank you Fire Monkey and Reilley. Sincerely.

As to How do we treasure," I appreciate what you said, Reilley.   The first and second stanzas have "measure" and the third and fourth have "treasure."
 
I put this in the "free verse" area, though there is a bit of rhyme in it. And in the last stanza, the word "measured" is present, which is a repetition, and which rhymes with treasured (secondarily, I guess), although you are correct that "cherish" might go nicely in either place.  Frankly, I never thought of it! I may try it with that one. It might actually work better! Thank you!

Dan

[Brigid Briton]

Hi Dan,

It's funny but I was bothered a bit by the same lines as Reilley. In the first two verses "How do we measure" seems to imply that what follows is the way we measure. I think "How can we measure might be more apt in both verses, since what comes after that first phrase doesn't really give the answer to "how do we measure", but just describes the passing of the years. If that phrase were "How can we measure?", I believe that would leave the question open, right through to the last few lines when you talk of the love in your children's hearts being the true measure.

Similarly, the "How do we treasure the loves of our lives?" question isn't answered in the third stanza and, in the fourth, it might be better expressed as an exclamation rather than a question: "Oh how we treasure the loves of our lives!"

Back to the third stanza. It seems that the couple has already made their choices in the second stanza: "holding each other, knowing it's right, to be here together this time of our lives" yet in the third stanza they're back to wondering about the decision that seems to have already been made in the second.

An additional comment that I have, not mentioned by Reilley, is the repeated us of "relentlessly". It didn't sit right with me since I've always thought of "relentless" as being a somewhat harsh word, one with negative connotations. I'm often wrong, though, so looked it up. Here's what I found:


"Synonyms:
determined, dogged, grim, implacable, unyielding, unappeasable, unflinching, unrelenting

Related Words:
persevering, persistent, tenacious; hard, hardheaded, headstrong, intractable, mulish, obdurate, opinionated, peevish, pertinacious, perverse, pigheaded, self-willed, stubborn, uncooperative, willful (or wilful); merciless, ruthless, unforgiving"

Not very appealing words. I know what you're trying to say and the "relentlessly forward" does make an interesting refrain, however it wouldn't be my choice in a poem that is supposed to be all about love and commitment. It brought to mind soldiers, with bayonets fixed, charging forward to meet the enemy, time and again, rather than a loving man and woman facing all of life's challenges shoulder to shoulder, hand in hand.

As with Reilley, these are only my impressions for your consideration. You may take them or leave them at your discretion.

You've expressed some very sweet sentiments and I think you have probably made us all think about the committed relationships in our own lives.

Thanks for sharing this.

Brigid

[blackbird]

(rofl)Dear Dan,

I too liked this very much and I personally like the use of relentless. Although I have a tendency for "fierce" phrases and words. I thought it was a word that gave a certain pounding lilt to poem reflecting love long lasting, all the while the constant pounding hands of time are breathing down our necks. The sun comes up, goes down and does it over and over babies are born and grow up so fast if you aren't careful you miss it. So we should treasure everything we love.
I agree with Reilly on the use of treasure. Just because of the reference to children, and seeing the love in them makes me think of honor or immortality, like the love will go on...forever. A true testament to the love shared .
I am not very good at this critiquing, forgive me if I prattle. I liked this very much.

[Daniel Mark Extrom]

A sincere thank you to Reilley, Tim, Brigid, and Blackbird for comments and suggestions. All were very informative, and I can see how you came to see the issues you raised.  Thank you!

A word of explanation:  This was a piece originally written as an anniversary gift for a neighbor's parents, whom (who?  Can't figure that out, ever!!!) I had and have never met.  They had and have been married a long time, with children and grandchildren.

So it was written as if I was one of them, and so from their perspective, though I knew nothing about them, except that they had been married a long time with children and grandchildren. So I sort of put myself in their shoes, and realized that they were probably born in the 1920's, and thus had lived through the Great Depression, WWII, Korea, the Cold War, Vietnam, other economic recessions, the trip to the moon, and thousands of other events and experiences, including raising children and having careers, and struggling through all of it, sometimes with success and sometimes with failure yet going forward in spite of it all, and going on together. This is why I used "relentlessly:" it was a looking backward by the narrator, along with the spouse, and recognizing that they faced it together and unflinchingly, and ultimately came to terms with the fact that they had done it, and felt some satisfaction in having succeeded. Plus, I needed the syllables available in "relentlessly" to hold the rhythm, though maybe "unflinchingly" could have done the trick. I like the alliteration in "relentlessly" though! Plus, I never thought of "unflinchingly" or a another substitute word!

And it was intended also to be a reminiscence, sort of starting from the present and looking at the present but sort of wishing that more could be remembered, then looking backward and recognizing that life could  have been very different if different people (partners) had been chosen, and if different paths had been chosen, but also recognizing in the end that both were happy with the choices that had been made, and that they had indeed fought the fights of life together.  And they were satisfied with it all, and the love they saw and felt for and from their children sort of was the icing on the cake.

Thank you again for your comments!
Sincerely.
Dan

[twriter44]

This poem manages to convey the passage of time as an inexorable force and that holds it together. The love and the events and the people and the choices are all part of the poem, and the background is the passage of time. The use of the hard word 'relentlessly' is introduced at just the right points. There is a tension that results. Really well done. Conveying the passage of time is quite difficult.

[Daniel Mark Extrom]

Thank you for your comment, Twriter44!  You said in a few words what I tried to convey in my overly long explanation, and what I tried to convey in the poem itself. 

It was "the passage of time as an inexorable force" (your line in in your reply: very well said!) that I was trying to convey, and the recognition that choices are available to us at times in our lives, and that we make the best of those choices (as we are able), and we learn to live with those choices, and we recognize that love or even some other thing may well have been the spark or sign that started us down a certain path (but that other choices may have been available too), and if we are patient and kind and loving we can come to terms with those choices, and take joy and pride in our relationships both with our spouse and our children and others in our lives.

And sometimes life moves so quickly that we really don't have a good grasp of what is even happening, and we resolve later to think it through and fix it if necessary, but then more happens, and we don't ever get around to it. So at some point we hope to find comfort and satisfaction in those choices that may have been made "on the fly" even though we wish we could have had more time to think them through at at the time, and we later must simply take joy and pride in the fact that we made it through certain difficulties even if we wish we had made different choices.

And sometimes we must take that joy and pride simply as we make it an intrinsic part of life, even if there have been difficulties. And we recognize that sometimes it requires a relentless pursuit, even of simple survival (as in facing and overcoming obstacles, and not as acts of walking over or destroying others) not just for ourselves but also for those who rely on us.

And then it is an acceptance of the differences in each other and the putting away of anger or frustration with others' choices, and the realization that our own personal choices and preferences are not the be-all and end-all of available solutions to life's difficulties. In the end, we must each claim our own choices and our own methods and our own happiness while still allowing others to have theirs - even with we disagree with it - and it must all fit within the whole of life's experiences, and out of that or as part of that we need to learn to love ourselves and the results of our choices.

What did just say?!! Now I did it again!

" . . .the passage of time as an inexorable force."  I really like your line!

Actually, you really did say it better than me!!!

Thank you! Sincerely.

Dan

[Brigid Briton]

Hi Dan,

Glad to see that this one has generated so much interest and discussion. I notice you mentioning a tendency to go on...and on. What helped me most in learning to be succinct, without losing meaning is writing haiku. Not to say that you want to become a haikuhead, or anything, but it retrains the brain to say what's really important. Just a thought. We do need a few good men in our Haikuland section (hint, hint!)

[Daniel Mark Extrom]

Thank you, Brigid! 

I might try the haiku soon. 

But I confess that I have always rebelled against forms.  I hate filling out forms (school registrations, tax forms (accountants are important!) even registrations on websites, etc.  I just don't like having to fit my life and responses in little boxes, and forms do that.  I understand that they are necessary for an orderly society; but I don't have to like it. I don't mind rules: just not forms. So where I can choose to avoid forms, I do so.

When my youngest daughter was entering kindergarten, I had to fill out the forms.  My older daughter, then starting 2d grade, (now soon to graduate college) was watching me fill out the forms. I filled in my younger daughter's name, address, etc. Then I got to the box that said: "Sex":  I checked the box for "female."  My older daughter asked what that meant.  I said it meant that her sister is a girl, just like her. My older one said: "That's not what that means!" with great indignity, and with a tone that I soon came to understand meant: "Why are you so stupid, Daddy?"  I said, "What do you think it means?"  She said, "Never mind."

My guess is there was a lot of schooling going on during bus rides. And they weren't discussing school forms.

I also rebel a little bit against metaphor (which makes me a bad poetry student, I know: Robert Frost would hate me!), because, as I say, "what good is a metaphor for, if no one knows what it's for?") Little truths can be so misunderstood, and I like to understand what I read and hear, and I like others to understand what I'm saying.  I don't like living in ambiguity. While many writers think that metaphor is the highest form of intellectual achievement/communication (and maybe it is) I am not smart enough to figure them out, and I get uncomfortable when I have to work so hard to understand what someone means. (This is why we have cross-examination of witnesses.)

The other reason I tend to write "long" is that it actually helps me understand things. I tend to follow my own "form" which involves point A, Point B, Point C in that order but with sub-points underneath each, and maybe with sub-points under those. And while I am doing that, other things strike me, and I fit them in somehow (or maybe they don't fit). So, in the end, I guess I am trying to understand myself and my own thoughts (and help others to understand me and the points I am trying to make), and maybe that's what the metaphor writers are doing too, but in a way that doesn't work for me.  I like to grasp seemingly disparate things and join them together, and maybe that's my own little way of making my own metaphors but with a different name that I can't name. But disparate things don't fit into little boxes, at least for me.

But maybe an old man can learn a few new tricks, and learn to like them. We'll see.

In reviewing this reply, I realize I could have just said, "Later." But that really wouldn't have conveyed what I really meant to say, and it would have sounded terse and unfriendly, and that is not what I would have wanted to convey.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts! I might be incorrigible.

Dan

[Brigid Briton]

Thanks for not telling me "Later"!

I have to tell you that, though, because I must run. Just a quick point to ponder. Haiku-writing has changed since your (and my) school days. You can choose to stick with the 5-7-5 "form" or go even shorter than that. It's fun! Must run...

[Fire Monkey]

Mar 17, 2014 12:23:43 GMT -6 Daniel Mark Extrom said:

A word of explanation:  This was a piece originally written as an anniversary gift for a neighbor's parents, whom (who?  Can't figure that out, ever!!!) I had and have never met.  They had and have been married a long time, with children and grandchildren.

So it was written as if I was one of them, and so from their perspective, though I knew nothing about them, except that they had been married a long time with children and grandchildren. So I sort of put myself in their shoes, and realized that they were probably born in the 1920's, and thus had lived through the Great Depression, WWII, Korea, the Cold War, Vietnam, other economic recessions, the trip to the moon, and thousands of other events and

First, you did use "whom" correctly but more importantly, the fact that you wrote this about someone whom you did not know is quite impressive. You really pulled it off well.

[Fire Monkey]

Mar 17, 2014 2:42:20 GMT -6 blackbird said:

I am not very good at this critiquing, forgive me if I prattle. I liked this very much.

You are doing just fine, it gets easier [well, a bit at least] and you'll find that as you critique the works of others you learn more about writing for yourself as well. I have often found that good critiquing is the best way to improve my own work while at the same time hopefully helping someone else with their work.

[Daniel Mark Extrom]

Thank you, Fire Monkey!!

Sincerely,

Dan

[Cory Raymond]

Hi Dan,

I enjoyed your poem. What a nice keepsake for old married folks!

Cory