Svetlana's poem

[bluebirdspoetry2]

Svetlana’s Poem

Autumn Winds undressing skies
Scattering trees’ bright Gypsy clothes
Telling glissandos’ storied tunes
Whistling timbres low to high
Beneath October’s early moon
Left naked limbs awaiting snows

[Brigid Briton]

Hi bluebird,

Welcome back to the forum after a long absence. It's great to see you here. This is a lovely poem, filled with rich images of a late fall night.

I do have a couple of observations, which probably have more to do with my personal preferences than with the merits of this poem.

I find that capitalizing each line, whether it begins a sentence or not, tends to be confusing, especially since there is no punctuation, which would further aid the reader in knowing where the stops are.

This is how your poem reads to me and how I would punctuate it:

Autumn winds undressing skies,
scattering trees’ bright Gypsy clothes,
telling glissandos’ storied tunes,
whistling timbres low to high.

Beneath October’s early moon,
left naked limbs awaiting snows.

I'm a bit confused, however, by the final line. "Left" seems to be something that is done to something else, and here it sounds to me as if it's being used as an adjective. It seems to me that a verb is being called for here, such as "stand naked limbs..." or even "now naked limbs...". Maybe I'm just reading it wrong, but that's my impression.

I'm also wondering about the "glissandos' storied tunes" and whether  "glissando-storied" tunes might help lessen the impact of three apostrophes in such a short piece. These are just suggestions.

My overall impression is one of great beauty, laced with the sadness that comes when the last vestiges of fall yield to oncoming winter. A beautiful write.

Brigid

[bluebirdspoetry2]

hello -

your candid observations inspire these words;

Autumn's limbs left naked
always parse evening snow's design
soft flakes redressing arboreal arms refined

great evergreens still sing summer's verdant tune
wind sculpting snowfall's re-covered schist
breezes's tree-glissandos granting late October's assist
needling Christmas branches yet untrained
gypsy westwinds bereft of rain
icy flakes wielding early Winter's kiss

warmest regards,
dr Todd