|
|
Post by sacreduniondown on Mar 19, 2011 17:04:45 GMT -6
Running (a Triolet)
The thunder has left your eyes.
Nowhere to run this time
Disconnected from your ties,
The thunder has left your eyes.
Living in a palace of lies,
with a wall I can no longer climb.
The thunder has left your eyes,
Nowhere to run this time.
© 2010 Karen Phelps
|
|
|
|
Post by Brigid Briton on Mar 19, 2011 18:16:27 GMT -6
Hi Karen, Welcome to the forum. I move this from the haiku section since it's a rhyming poem and will probably get more attention here from those who are fans of rhyme. This is a sad tale of love lost. As such, I think it might be more effective if you said " no one to run to this time" since it's clear that the person behind the wall is the "place" you want to run to. (By "you" I mean the narrator of the poem). I'm also a bit at a loss about "thunder" in eyes, since thunder is a sound, rather than something visible. I think I get your meaning, but lightning seems that it would be a more apt description. A good debut. So happy you're here!  Brigid |
|
|
|
Post by Fire Monkey on Mar 19, 2011 18:31:41 GMT -6
Ah Brigid - you can be so literal with words - that's ok, it's a part of your charm [I'm being honest, not playing with you - since you can't hear my voice or see my face I thought you might not be sure] thunder is a sound, but it is also a concept, a feeling, and so much more - I have seen thunder in the eyes - a scary sight. I should show you a bit of Too Drink the Rainbow Fire - it's a text on philosophy and the nature of reality. Words do not need to be held rigid to a meaning - metaphor, simile, and simply taking the way a word "feels" rather than the way it "means" are all a part of poetry too. ;D Personally I like this poem the way it is. It speaks to me. |
|
|
|
Post by Brigid Briton on Mar 19, 2011 18:37:25 GMT -6
Hi Tim, Yeah, you're right, I do tend to take everything literally, except all those thing I take metaphorically. "Thunder" for me was forever defined by a teacher I had in elementary school who fondly (I think) referred to us as "the thundering herd"!  Brigid |
|
|
|
Post by Fire Monkey on Mar 19, 2011 19:57:23 GMT -6
Well, may I suggest, every time you find yourself feeling literal - click on this link and read over a famous poem used in many poetry classes in high school and university: {that's just the first verse} ;D |
|
|
|
Post by Amanda Moore on Mar 19, 2011 22:15:50 GMT -6
Love a good Triolet this is a nice strong poem almost haunting!
|
|
