kara
Newbie
Posts: 26
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Post by kara on Apr 20, 2014 21:36:30 GMT -6
Easter memory
dad forgets
little sister cries
not stopping at eggs
he explains away
the tooth fairy
Santa
even Jesus
one Easter
in morning
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Post by Brigid Briton on Apr 21, 2014 8:20:35 GMT -6
Hi Kara, Welcome to the forum. Since you already PMd me saying you'd inadvertently posted two poems in the same category before you read the forum rules, there's no problem. I'm happy to hear a new voice and find your work very thought-provoking. I have a little bit of a nit with the last two lines: "one Easter in morning" I think "on Easter morning" or even just "one Easter morning", or similar words, would be a little more effective. This is merely a suggestion for you to take or leave as you choose. This is a great poem, calling up memories of those long-ago days when our own mythologies were summarily taken away from us...
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Post by Daniel Mark Extrom on Apr 21, 2014 12:44:19 GMT -6
Hi Kara,
Dads are like that: ruining everyone's illusions that we helped at first to create.
This could have been written by one of my daughters. I apologize to them. I tell myself that they had to learn sooner or later. And I remember that the sense of disillusionment happens in childhood and even later too. I don't know if we, as adults, damage our children by giving them the illusions in the first place, no matter how fun or well-intended, only to disappoint them later, or if we would damage them more by not giving any illusions.
Anyway, it's something worth thinking about, and you inspired that thinking. Well done.
And, by the way, I apologize to you and your sister too! Us dads are confused about a lot of things, and only pretend that we know stuff! And I'm still waiting for Santa.
You conveyed the message well.
Dan
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kara
Newbie
Posts: 26
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Post by kara on Apr 21, 2014 22:52:40 GMT -6
thank you for being understanding about my faux pas brigid! i know what you mean about the last two lines, but my thought was that morning could be understood as "mourning". like, my sister had to mourn the loss of the easter bunny etc. i could just say "easter mourning" i guess, but i was trying to be indirect.
thanks dan! luckily i already knew the easter bunny wasn't real when this happened. the gig was up for me when i saw "from santa" in architectural handwriting on one of my presents. looked a lot like how my dad wrote!
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Post by Fire Monkey on Apr 22, 2014 1:55:41 GMT -6
I think that it might have been good to use even though it is direct, although if you want to be indirect you could just go for but leave out the word "in" That said, I have often said that poetry allows a much freer use of English and the rules of grammar and such only apply to it loosely to help make sure you communicate. There are many examples of broken rules in famous poems. BTW: Personally, I never stopped believing in any of those things - I just adjusted my definitions to something less literal
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saore
Junior Member
Posts: 91
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Post by saore on Apr 22, 2014 7:28:25 GMT -6
I like your poem and agree with Brigid ...
Sergio
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kara
Newbie
Posts: 26
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Post by kara on Apr 22, 2014 13:03:13 GMT -6
thank you all! the consensus is in. i will find a way to make it read better i think i will just change the spelling. drop "in". i also thought it was a bit much to expect people to realize it was supposed to be "mourning". until now, i only had my bf to read my poems to (he has an english lit degree). he gives pretty flat responses usually, but he told me not to change the spelling, not to make it "easy". there's twitter, which got me started back in the first place, but no one really critiques. THANK YOU!
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Post by Brigid Briton on Apr 22, 2014 15:35:31 GMT -6
Hi Kara,
You're welcome to revise, or not. It's ultimately up to you to decide which best expresses what you wanted to say. Others can only give their reactions but no one here pretends to be a God of Poetry, or anything like that.
If you do decide to post a revision, please leave the original and post the revision above it, labeling them Original and Revision. That way, anyone coming along after the discussion can compare the two versions.
It's a pleasure having you here, a breath of fresh air through these dusty old portals!
Brigid
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Post by Fire Monkey on Apr 22, 2014 23:37:34 GMT -6
I am familiar with your bf's view - it is a common one in English lit there is this idea that somehow making the reader 'work' for the meaning makes it a better work, as if by being hard to understand so only an elite group will truly grasp what you are saying it shows your superior talent [your bf may not think this, but I'll bet many of their teachers do] but I think that there is a lot to be said for clear communication that touches everyone. Mind you, some times there is a good reason to be more obscure so it is something one has to judge on a piece by piece basis and only the poet them self can truly know what they are striving for.
I just try to always remember that poets and their craft existed long before English professors did and there were great poems long before anyone started analyzing them - so while the teachers and those with PhDs and such may have something of value to offer, never forget it is the poets who are the artisans and therefore ultimately the source of wisdom on the topic is found within yourself and not in an English course.
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Post by Brigid Briton on Apr 23, 2014 7:55:15 GMT -6
Bravo, Tim! It's always so good when you weigh in with your voice of poetic reason!
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