kara
Newbie
Posts: 26
|
Post by kara on Apr 20, 2014 21:38:10 GMT -6
I've been sinful
hunger is my shadow
follows me
whispers words
into my ear
says you can
stop the pain
right now
you know how
|
|
|
hunger
Apr 21, 2014 8:12:43 GMT -6
Post by Brigid Briton on Apr 21, 2014 8:12:43 GMT -6
Hi Kara,
This one has an ominous ring to it. Could be an eating disorder, a sexual addiction, a cutter's lament, or even a little voice telling the narrator to "Come to Jesus". We don't need to know the reasons behind it to be disturbed by the message. There's something there, making the narrator far less than comfortable. You've done a great job communicating that.
Brigid
|
|
|
hunger
Apr 21, 2014 12:32:27 GMT -6
Post by Daniel Mark Extrom on Apr 21, 2014 12:32:27 GMT -6
Hi Kara!
Nice to meet you, and welcome!
Ominous, yes. Disturbing, yes. Sad. I find myself rooting for the pain to stop, but not in the way that seems to be suggested.
Dan
|
|
kara
Newbie
Posts: 26
|
hunger
Apr 21, 2014 23:03:07 GMT -6
Post by kara on Apr 21, 2014 23:03:07 GMT -6
i apologize in advance for poems that will make you all uncomfortable! i do right about addiction sometimes; it's part of my past. so that no one worries i will emphasize PAST there i think it is interesting to try and convey that feeling to people that haven't been through those types of things. i think that one of the wonderful things about poetry. describing how something looks or feels to you in words is IMPOSSIBLE. they are just symbols we use. however, if you use the right ones, you can get close. also, i am so happy about joining the forum. i will try to be as active as possible (as in posting my poems AND commenting on others!). be as rough as you want with critique. i am REALLY trying to get better. i haven't written much since high school (10 years).
|
|
|
hunger
Apr 22, 2014 1:43:36 GMT -6
Post by Fire Monkey on Apr 22, 2014 1:43:36 GMT -6
Hi there Kara, always nice to see someone new. Don't worry about posting poems that might be disturbing - I think you'll find that a number of us are well acquainted with things that are, shall we say, less than rainbows and butterflies.
I thought the poem did a very good job of communicating the feeling while not providing any specifics - which means that it can resonate well with many people who have experienced similar feelings even though the reasons may be different.
I'm glad to hear your assurance that you are writing of things from the past rather than the present. I hope you will spend some time checking out poetry that has been posted over the years here - one of the best ways to improve is to read the poems that others have written and in this case you also get to see comments that were made on those poems. Also you can count on people to offer feedback on your poems - sometimes there may not be much that a person can say, but whatever there is, I think you'll find you are likely to get some honest and hopefully helpful feedback.
|
|
saore
Junior Member
Posts: 91
|
hunger
Apr 22, 2014 7:33:33 GMT -6
Post by saore on Apr 22, 2014 7:33:33 GMT -6
I love this one. Very nice.
Sergio
|
|
|
Post by Lisa Arnold on Apr 24, 2014 7:47:55 GMT -6
I like this poem too Kara...it has a certain mystique to it
I love this line "hunger is my shadow"
good job!
|
|
|
hunger
Jun 25, 2015 5:34:23 GMT -6
Post by thisismyengland on Jun 25, 2015 5:34:23 GMT -6
If this is about addiction and the self-medicating of pain then it's a very neat way of going about it.
|
|