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Post by Fire Monkey on Apr 23, 2014 0:03:05 GMT -6
A name Neatly written upon a line with care. Not just letters, Not a mere mark but a symbol of who I am: My essence summed up in a distinguishing sigil.
Through it, like an ugly gash that slashes through my soul, a stroke of black - A line from a broad tipped felt marker that attempts to erase me. Above it a name scrawled carelessly; Not my name, though similar; Not what my mother calls me, Not what my father says when he is proud , nor when he is unhappy. Foreign - It is not what was given me at birth, Not what I was christened.
There she sits Behind her desk, smug. She may rule the room, but not my soul: She does not hold my essence in her grip.
I came, bright eyed and full of wonder expecting the world to throw open its doors on new glories. Eager to begin a new chapter of life. I did not seek a battle field, but if that was to be what was laid before me then I would fight.
I would not answer to some name that was not mine; I would not yield and bow down to kiss her feet; I would not give up my identity, my essence, my name. She could not take it from me.
I knew who I was: I am who I am - I will never bend.
Copyright by Timothy Emil Birch April 22, 2014
I wrote this as a result of a conversation I had this evening, it is about something that happened when I was 6 years old which for me was a defining moment. People often say it is just 'significant' events that are important, but sometimes they fail to understand what 'significant' really means. The fact that I can still remember this moment clearly after 52 years shows that the simple line crossing out my name on a note book and having "Timmy" written in above it was far more significant than some would ever have guessed.
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kara
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Post by kara on Apr 23, 2014 2:46:22 GMT -6
your passion about the issue certainly comes across well! i felt like i too was being judged as soon as that black marker came out! i think it's rather perfect other than "if that was to be what was laid before me then I would fight" (it just messed with the rhythm for me and i loved this poem) , and "it is not what was given me at birth", i feel like that is supposed to be "given to me." might be a typo dunno so yeah. great work i have a lot of defining moments from early childhood. i don't doubt for one second you remember, nor do i doubt the events importance. my kindergarten experience had a big fat flaw as well. me and my BEST friend were in the same class. how exciting, right? well, a new teacher came and they redistributed the students. i ended up loving the new teacher, but my friend and i never stayed as close after that. i never related well to my peers and it might have been nice to have her around that first year. she and i still know each other, 22 years later, but the best friend thing kinda fell off that day in kindergarten.
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Post by Fire Monkey on Apr 23, 2014 4:06:18 GMT -6
I actually debated that line some and couldn't decide - you may be right that I should edit it down - I shall think on that. As for the matter of "given me" vs "given to me" - I think that both are 'correct' and it comes down to common usage, which is a matter of where one comes from. For me, "given me" sounds more natural but I know that in some areas it would not be so. That is one of the things the internet has given us - diversity of linguistic exposure we have people from so many places all talking together. In my case, I'm Canadian, which of course has many regions linguistically but since my father was in the air force I grew up all over Canada and so my own word usage is a blend of regions with many influences. I believe I saw you say you were in the US on the east coast so you would have a different way that would sound right. Still, I'll think on that as well and see if it works better. I basically sat down and wrote this poem cold without any editing or anything so it's fairly much just the way it came out. Even the formatting was done as I typed it in just because it felt right at that moment. When I get really passionate about something I tend to do things like that
In my time in school there were 4 events that really hit hard, this was one, the second was when the school nurse claimed I was "faking headaches" to get out of work , and then I had an English teacher in high school deface a collector copy of a rare book I owned because he felt it was 'worthless trash' and the last was when my grade 12 art teacher told me in front of the class that I had no artistic talent at all and was wasting her time taking an art class but of those 4 events, this one is the one which left the deepest scares that lasted the longest. It just goes to show that what is significant is not always what people think it is. To me at the time, and even now looking back on it, it really felt like an attack on my very identity. That is why it wrote with passion - a name to me is the closest thing we get to touching the real person. That's why I am Fire Monkey here, a name I chose, rather than a name that was given to me, but I still count the name I was given as very dear.
OK - I almost deleted that last paragraph, but I think that if I can write the poem, I can leave the explanation.
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Post by Hazel Mary Smith on Apr 23, 2014 11:48:08 GMT -6
Oh I love this - I had a similar thing happen though aged about 10 , I knew just those emotions, well done.
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Post by Brigid Briton on Apr 23, 2014 13:28:35 GMT -6
Ah, Tim, it's clear that this incident touched you deeply. If only teachers (and others in authority) could feel the pain that they inflict by such careless and/or arrogant acts.
You introduced me to a word I wasn't familiar with before: "sigil". I'm not sure that it's really the one you intended to use since it's generally associated with a symbolic naming of a demon or other dark force. I'm sure that you were the farthest thing from being that as a child, as you still are today.
As a woman who has endured lots of raised eyebrows or unappreciated questioning over the years due to my desire to keep my own name when I married, I can relate to your desire to be known by your own name and not wish to have anyone modify it for you. Although things have changed greatly over the last few decades, it is still very much the norm for a woman to give up her name when she marries. How often I have cringed when a pastor introduces a newly married couple as Mr. and Mrs. Bob Smith, not only taking the bride's maiden name, but her first name from her. Bad enough if the happy couple were introduced as "Bob and Linda Smith"...but no, it seems that all traces of the former Ms. Linda Jones must be ceremonially erased.
Thank you for sharing this story with us. A name is something that is so personal, no one, especially a teacher, whose job it is to teach, should attempt to take it away from you.
Powerful poem.
Brigid
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Post by Fire Monkey on Apr 23, 2014 14:26:23 GMT -6
I'm glad I was able to capture the feelings well enough to be understood Hazel, for years I had thought it was something that would sound silly to most people. Nice to know I am not alone. Brigid: Actually, though that is currently a common use of sigil, that is in fact not the more correct use of the word. I first learned in from heraldry [which I had a great interest in from a young age, I think about 8 or 9 years old] which is where it first came into English use and it means a a seal or signet, it is a unique symbol that marks an individual and was used for such things as sealing letters - when you see a letter that has been seal with wax and a mark has been placed in the wax to show who sealed it, that mark is a sigil. From there it became used to mean a symbol of power because it represented the power and/or office of the person to whom it belonged and of course, later those who practiced magic used the term to mean a mark of power with which they could control or summon some force or spirit. The use of it to refer to naming a demon is actually a much more resent change which comes along with the period of things like the Salem witch hunts and such but it really is intended to be a symbol of the person and to hold the authority and power of that person. So for example, when you get an official government document which has a seal of office stamped into the paper, that is a sigil. I realize the word is archaic and therefore it tends to be used mostly by those who have a fondness for archaic things [hence the magic/demon type association] but it is still used in heraldry and that was the meaning I was thinking of. I knew when I used it that there was a risk of this confusion but it is a word I actually use, being still interested in heraldry, and it also happens to express the concept perfectly when one uses the original meaning rather than the arcane meaning. I think that over time one may choose to go by many names and if it is a choice then that is fine, but when someone else tries to force it, that is were I feel there is a problem. Your own example is a good one - especially, as you say, the whole Mr and Mrs Bob Smith rather than Bob and Linda Smith. Again, if the woman chooses to do this then it is her choice, and I support that, but to have it forced by convention is wrong. I have always used the name I was given, either Tim or Timothy and with or without my middle and last name, but I have also chosen over the years to be Sifu, Phaedrus and Fire Monkey [or a variation on that], because all of those were also me [and on some occasions Don Quixote, but only some times when circumstances warrant it ] but the important thing always is that whatever I am called, it is by my choice or at least my acceptance. I never did bend - not even an inch.
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kara
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Post by kara on Apr 23, 2014 14:28:07 GMT -6
that makes sense about "given me". i could recognize that it wasn't incorrect, but it did sound off. geographic thing i suppose. don't cut the last stanza i like it. you bring us to the present when you say you will never bend. i like that; it was a defining moment as you said. i enjoyed listening to you read your poems with and without the percussion when i followed that link. i bet if i heard you read this one that line might not sound so jumbled. i'm often aware that my poetry may sound very different to others. that's one thing i want to improve for myself, making sure i'm writing it the way it should be read.
more defining moments... i think of my high school english teachers as well. i only had two, each two years. they were both pretty hardcore for teaching high school, but especially ms. hardison. oh man. she HATED superfluous language. i would work so hard on a paper, and i wasn't a bad writer, and she would make it bleed red ink. hers was not a poetry class, of course, but her teaching has pervaded every aspect of my writing. obviously i am embodying her when i critique too! i can never use "it" without thinking twice because of mr. loope. "it" without an antecedent. i do it anyways (catch that?).
oh i also had a teacher deface something, although not a rare book. that's really messed up. in 3D art class, i had worked weeked on a ceramic banana that stood up on it's folded peels. those peels kept drying out and breaking overnight. when we sent it to the kiln, i was SO nervous. but, it came out in one piece. my teacher, what a character, liked it so much he wanted it in the student art show. the only problem was, now we can't glaze it. he made me paint it with crappy high school paint and insisted it needed "bruises" to look real. he applied them with straight out of the tube black. not realistic. awful. lol.
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Post by Fire Monkey on Apr 23, 2014 15:50:35 GMT -6
I may do a reading of this one - it's important enough that I really should but that also makes me nervous about doing it so we shall have to see which wins out If I do, I'll add it to the post with the poem.
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saore
Junior Member
Posts: 91
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Post by saore on Apr 24, 2014 7:04:18 GMT -6
I can relate, I had a similar experience when I was about 8. Nicely done!
Sergio
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Post by Daniel Mark Extrom on Apr 24, 2014 10:26:25 GMT -6
Hi Tim,
Well done and well said! It's interesting to me that this seems to be such a common thing. We had the same issue with one of our daughters in school too. And she'll never forget it, though now it has become somewhat funny. Teachers can be so influential, for better or for worse.
One minor spelling typo: the word "it's" in stanza 4 (it's doors) should be "its", which is possessive, and not "it is".
Dan
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Post by Fire Monkey on Apr 24, 2014 16:43:44 GMT -6
It is interesting how common this seems to be - I really wish I had written this years ago and found how common it was because I always thought it was something that was just me [well, not just me, but certainly not common] it is helpful knowing that it is so much more common than I had thought. Thanks for pointing out the spelling error Dan - it's vs its is one of those ones that sometimes slips past me unnoticed. I'll fix that but I think I shall do so without making it a 'revised' copy as it really is just a spelling error rather than a change to the poem so anyone reading the thread will understand that the error is no longer there
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