di
Newbie
Posts: 3
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Post by di on Apr 29, 2014 6:19:29 GMT -6
the sun slid down the cheek of the world a tear from the last blink of day a blazing finish leaving a beautifully bruised sky before the darkness
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Post by Brigid Briton on Apr 29, 2014 7:01:03 GMT -6
Hi Di,
This is lovely. I especially like the contradiction of "beautifully bruised".
An idea occurred to me. Since you personify (which I loved!) the world and the day (with cheek and tear and blink) how would it be to personify once again, with the sky, saying something like "to face the darkness" in the last line? Just a thought.
You have a truly unique and beautiful poetic voice.
Brigid
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Post by Cory Raymond on Apr 29, 2014 18:34:43 GMT -6
Hi Di,
Beautiful, haunting images here. Great job! Cory
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Post by SweetSilverBird on May 5, 2014 22:52:57 GMT -6
This is really a beautifully constructed poem. I like Brigid's idea!
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Post by Fire Monkey on May 8, 2014 8:11:41 GMT -6
Well done, and if I might, I also agree with Brigid's suggestion. The poem is good as it is but I think that slight addition might add a touch more power to it.
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Sunsets
May 14, 2014 2:44:51 GMT -6
Post by eiken on May 14, 2014 2:44:51 GMT -6
Lovely imagery Di, I can see it clearly. Hope you are well. I am heading to Oz at the end of this month to the Gold Coast. Sunshine and sea hopefully for a few weeks!!
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