a drive

[kara]

something A BIT longer for you all. PS: sorry for my hiatus. bad month... written a couple of things. they are pretty stream of consciousness and i don't know if i will post many of them here (embarrassed!). i like this one though, and it hasn't been revised at all. THANKS. also, do you all think i should add punctuation? 

i'm riding in a car
a passenger
i feel like it's just me
and my driver
this is my WORLD

we have a problem and
the pressure is mounting
the air is stale

i try to breath less and
become smaller in my seat
as i look out the window
at a parking lot
full of cars

[Brigid Briton]

Hi Kara,

Please don't be afraid to post something here that you don't feel is "good enough" or finished. The whole purpose of this forum is to help people learn...for us to help each other by sharing our ideas about what works, what doesn't work and possible ways to improve clarity (or grammar, etc).

I like the idea here, of a couple riding along, she feeling so good about the relationship, something happening to change the mood, making her feel smaller, alienated, driven to look at the cars standing empty and lonely in the parking lot, reminders of all the relationships that may or may not have taken place in them, putting the unique world previously established in the first verse into stark perspective.

I think the first verse my be more effective if you made it more personal. Rather than "passenger" and "driver" you could introduce the driver as your "lover" "husband" "boyfriend", etc.

In the second, rather than "we have a problem" perhaps you could allude to the nature of the problem, again to make this more personal, more real.

In the last, I actually like the impersonality of the image of parked cars. Your "WORLD" just got put in it's proper place...like the air going out of a balloon (there's another air-allusion for you).

I think you do have an unique poetic voice and hope you'll stick with it. I'm really glad to see you back here.

Brigid

[eiken]

Hi there,
I agree with what Brigid has suggested and really like your approach to writing. It feels like I am hemmed into a world I don't want to be part of as I read it. There is a sense of smothering, you really capture so much in a car drive journey and the last lines, surrounded in a car park is like being in a war zone. Powerful writing.

[kara]

wow, thank both of you so much i hadn't considered making the first verses more personal; i will definitely play with that a bit. eiken, i'm intrgued that it made you feel that way... i can't look at my writing objectively, so i find that really interesting. brigid, even though you think i should make it more personal, i am so glad that i conveyed my mood/thought so well.



also, i do have a couple of poems that are far from polished and start much stronger than they end. thank you for the encouragement to post stuff like that. glad to be back

[Brigid Briton]

Hi Kara,

Looking forward to seeing more of your work. Remember, ALL of us are works in progress! (Not to mention our poetry.)

Brigid

[Reilley]

First, let me reiterate that you need not be bashful around us, we all know that the best way to write a great poem is to write LOTS of poems, and read them, and talk about them, and brainstorm, and take in all the advice you get and use only the parts you love, and so on and so on, rinse and repeat.

I am a big believer in Hemingway's rule to "write drunk, edit sober." Just get it on the page, then you can polish it until it gleams.

I am always amazed at the unique nature of riding passenger in a car. You are outside, but you are inside at the same time. Sitting relatively still, and moving at the same time. From your poem I got a sense of immense distance between your personal space and the sea of empty personal spaces. 

Just keep writing, and posting, and wrestling with words.

[saore]

I've been gone for a while but here we go!  I like Brigid's suggestions.  I think they have merit.

Sergio

[davidwayne]

don't worry about the punctuation

if you don't use you you should rely on line breaks to do it for you, such as commas

A lot of what I write doesn't have capital letters at the line starts

wasn't sure why you capitalized world

wish I had a driver!!!!!

David