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Post by Reilley on Mar 6, 2011 15:22:37 GMT -6
I encourage you to be a child once more to run and play with abandon, disregard the date, and the time, waiting for street lights to signal you home. Laugh as hard as you can, simply because you can, throw pebbles into the pond not as weapons, but as keys to open the water.
When you think of grief, you think of seedlings that refuse to open, and songs that change the shape of their sound before they come to the end. Grief is little more than fog as thick as blizzard-snow laying down upon the surface of your soul. But even fog has weight, and it dampens all it touches.
You recall how she smelled of rain, and summer breezes carrying laughter. You know that when she cried, the sound rose and stirred within you, until it became the rasp of expensive pearls dragged across mahogany, click-sliding into your mind.
Mostly, you miss the long walks together, when the sun would burn off the day’s red walls, her smile breaking into yours with the fizz of soda pop and the sweetness of a first kiss.
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Post by Fire Monkey on Mar 6, 2011 18:38:38 GMT -6
I like the use of simple things to capture the image and let the reader share in the memory.
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Post by Brigid Briton on Mar 6, 2011 22:11:40 GMT -6
Hi Reilley, I like this very much. I really like "the rasp of expensive pearls dragged across mahogany, click-sliding into your mind", the oh-so-specific description of a sound works very well. I do have a quibble with "blizzard snow laying down on the surface of your soul". I don't believe that snow can "lay down" (or lie down for that matter). I think it would be more grammatically correct to say "snow laid down" (meaning that the snow was placed there by some agent other than itself---nature, God, clouds, etc. Also, I think the first line of your last stanza is inconsistent with the rest of the piece---where you're saying "be a child once more". That line is definitely from an adult, rather than a child's point of view. I think if you said " Remember the long walks" rather than "you miss the long walks" the line would be more consistent. The line "the sun would burn off the day’s red walls" is awesome, as is "her smile breaking into yours with the fizz of soda pop" Overall, a great write. Brigid
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Post by Reilley on Mar 7, 2011 10:37:15 GMT -6
Great tips Brigid, thanks! I will work it some more.
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Post by JanetGunn on Mar 7, 2011 13:40:44 GMT -6
I like this poem. Reclaiming our innocence by letting go of the pain created by life's journey. The fist stanza is really beautiful. Well done!
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