Post by dustandwater on Sept 30, 2011 12:22:17 GMT -6
Reilley, great to see you on here.
First off, the rhythm of this piece is great. Theres a certain 'haunting' to it that I liked a lot. I had to read it a couple of times to find that rhythm, if I'm honest, but that's not such a problem; perhaps it's a piece that deserves to be performed and heard, not just printed and read? Line 11 seems to me to go against that rhythm a little. 'of the' lends one to many syllables, I feel.
I like your rhymes, they work well and there are no over stretches in that department.
I'm not fully convinced by the content, though. I don't feel that every idea/thought is clearly linked. For example, the reprise, while the sentiment is just, doesn't fit well with 'so' in my opinion. The first doesn't seem to lend causality to the latter. I can see why you might have selected it, but I don't think it is the best choice. I think you could take away the 'so' altogether without affecting the rhythm and quickly tie up that issue.
The other disparity for me, though you or other readers might correct me here, is that it seems most of the poem is saying that we work to hard for and regard too highly the worldly goods that in reality are not so important, while your first tercet and the reprise says that 'we pay the cost no matter how much' for the true treasures, those things that cannot be bought but are actually most important. Somewhere between the two, the poem loses its poignancy, I think. It could be really powerful if the purpose/message was a little clearer.
I hope this has given you something to think about. If you disagree with any of it, please do let me know.
Again, great to see you on here and a great response to the intro.
-D&W
First off, the rhythm of this piece is great. Theres a certain 'haunting' to it that I liked a lot. I had to read it a couple of times to find that rhythm, if I'm honest, but that's not such a problem; perhaps it's a piece that deserves to be performed and heard, not just printed and read? Line 11 seems to me to go against that rhythm a little. 'of the' lends one to many syllables, I feel.
I like your rhymes, they work well and there are no over stretches in that department.
I'm not fully convinced by the content, though. I don't feel that every idea/thought is clearly linked. For example, the reprise, while the sentiment is just, doesn't fit well with 'so' in my opinion. The first doesn't seem to lend causality to the latter. I can see why you might have selected it, but I don't think it is the best choice. I think you could take away the 'so' altogether without affecting the rhythm and quickly tie up that issue.
The other disparity for me, though you or other readers might correct me here, is that it seems most of the poem is saying that we work to hard for and regard too highly the worldly goods that in reality are not so important, while your first tercet and the reprise says that 'we pay the cost no matter how much' for the true treasures, those things that cannot be bought but are actually most important. Somewhere between the two, the poem loses its poignancy, I think. It could be really powerful if the purpose/message was a little clearer.
I hope this has given you something to think about. If you disagree with any of it, please do let me know.
Again, great to see you on here and a great response to the intro.
-D&W