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Post by SweetSilverBird on Oct 16, 2011 0:44:33 GMT -6
Flickeringby Deborah NeherLight a candle in the deepest night; in the windless darkness, there's no sound. Lightly blow and the flame begins to fight; -holds the wick until it loses ground. People say I'm gentle. Yes, I know it's true; But I would fight just like that flame If that would bring me you.. Just adding an audioboo of the poem audioboo.fm/boos/508384-flickering
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Post by heatherwordbender on Oct 16, 2011 17:06:14 GMT -6
one small comment on word choice: ~ flame holds wick (until it loses) ground. ~ I wonder if the imagery of [hold its ground] was not weakened by the intervening words. Without them in between there is a clear tenacity to it. When that tenacity is clear to me as I read I very much enjoy the poem. It may be only me who missed reading it more as a "hold the fort, hold the line" type of phrasing, but it bears looking at, perhaps.
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Post by diannet on Oct 16, 2011 17:24:04 GMT -6
I love this SSB, I really like the...what is it the cheekiness or devilment in the stirring up of the flame, to create the fight and in doing so... saying there's more to me than meets the eye. Very well done!
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Post by Fire Monkey on Oct 16, 2011 19:04:36 GMT -6
I like the poem, though I had a bit of trouble with the meter of the first verse - not big, but I felt it would be better if the second line read "there is" rather than "there's" because it seemed to me to flow better with the extra syllable and in the third line it seemed like it would be better with two less syllables so I'd suggest dropping "and" and stick a dash there to aid in reading it correctly and change "begins" to "starts". I just found it easier to read with those changes but certainly I can find a rhythm as written, it just was a bit harder to get it.
Mechanics aside, I feel it is well written, a good use of imagery.
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Post by SweetSilverBird on Oct 17, 2011 0:38:52 GMT -6
I think in this case the poem stands pretty well on it's own. I have recorded an audioboo of how the poem sounds. Maybe the metering was just not understood. Give it a listen and see if it still seems out of sorts. (pardon my allergy infested voice)
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Post by Fire Monkey on Oct 17, 2011 12:19:04 GMT -6
It clears it up for me.
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Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 18, 2011 10:32:04 GMT -6
Hi Deb, Another very sweet love poem. I like the image of the flame fighting to stay alive, a great metaphor for passion. I especially enjoyed your spoken word version of this. What a lovely voice. Watch out, or I'll be asking you to read "Do Not Go Gentle" for us!
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Post by Reilley on Oct 20, 2011 10:40:44 GMT -6
Romantic and allegorical all at once. ;D
"Young love is a flame; very pretty, often very hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. The love of the older and disciplined heart is as coals, deep-burning, unquenchable." Henry Ward Beecher (1813 - 1887)
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