The Fig Tree Bird

[diannet]

High up in the pine tree
A fig tree bird somersaults down
Landing with acrobatic precision
Camouflaging himself within the bushes
His eye a red-ringed berry


Not sure if this is actually a gogyohka.

[heatherwordbender]

I purloined this from Japanese Wikipedia

①Gogyohka is a new form of verse built on the aesthetics found in waka and the Manyoushuu (anthology from ca. 850ad)
②Composition should be comprised of 5 lines, though there are rare cases where verse of 4 or 6 lines are acceptable {{{ }}}
③One line should equal one phrase, ending at word or breath break [avoiding enjambement]
④While there is no restriction as to meter, the composition should reflect a [Japanese] poetic aesthetic
⑤no constraints on content

It seems this falls within those parameters. I have a couple of blurbs to add...for you to dispose of as you see fit, .

"From" is perhaps unnecessary if you are going for a more spare style
"Camouflaged" jumps tense. The transition from watching the "landing" to "camouflaged" is ambiguous, I feel, as a result, since your fig tree bird was obvious and watched and not lost while camouflaged...
The last line...would be an easier read for me (personally) (for whom you did not write this) ( ) if it read something like "His eye a red-ringed berry"

I like the moment you have chosen and the progression. And the imagery.

[diannet]

Thankyou Heather, I wondered how to word that last line, I wasn't happy with it...I guess that's the reason one should let things lie and ponder a little while...

Initially I had "camouflaging himself" so I put that back in...

Thanks again for you input, I am happier with it now!

[heatherwordbender]

Ummm... how tacky is it if I REALLY like it now...lol. It very much suits my sensibilities anyway. Very glad if you are pleased

[Brigid Briton]

Hiya Dianne,

I'd say this is close enough to a gogyohka for me, although personally I do prefer fewer words. I toyed around with how to make this more spare and still retain the meaning and feeling and I think it's quite possible to do. However, I think it's fine as is, and, as someone recently pointed out, it's not necessary for me to turn every poet here into a clone of myself (as if I could!)

I'm curious about the "fig tree bird". I couldn't find that as an actual bird name, so I'm guessing this is a bird that likes to hang out in the fig trees. I think "The Fig Tree Bird" is a great title and it reminds me of a title for one of Aesop's fables or something from Hans Christian Andersen . Still, I want to know what sort of bird it really is, if you know.

[diannet]

It's actually the Australian Fig Tree Bird and I didn't think I could add Australian to the poem...seemed too long but here's a link if you wanna check this cheeky little bird out.
birdsinbackyards.net/species/Sphecotheres-viridis

[Brigid Briton]

Hi Dianne,

I couldn't make your link work, but I found the bird by using its scientific name from the link. What a regal, yet sassy-looking fellow. Reminds me of our Great Kiskadee here in South Texas, who has a bright yellow breast and a black mask. Thanks for enlightening us.