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Sword
Oct 17, 2011 11:25:50 GMT -6
Post by shannow on Oct 17, 2011 11:25:50 GMT -6
Reassuring, protective. With a sharp edge that cuts me if I stray from the wrong path. Now it’s the look in your eyes that makes me bleed.
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Sword
Oct 17, 2011 11:31:11 GMT -6
Post by Reilley on Oct 17, 2011 11:31:11 GMT -6
Second only to sharp words.
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Sword
Oct 17, 2011 11:34:20 GMT -6
Post by heatherwordbender on Oct 17, 2011 11:34:20 GMT -6
Good one. Yep. Pondering the transition from object to subject[?] but it's very effective.
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Sword
Oct 17, 2011 11:43:42 GMT -6
Post by shannow on Oct 17, 2011 11:43:42 GMT -6
Good one. Yep. Pondering the transition from object to subject[?] but it's very effective. Its not about a literal sword, but a person i likened to one
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Sword
Oct 17, 2011 12:00:06 GMT -6
Post by heatherwordbender on Oct 17, 2011 12:00:06 GMT -6
Right. The mental transition you've used between expected and actual is abrupt and the effect is interesting.
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Sword
Oct 18, 2011 10:56:52 GMT -6
Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 18, 2011 10:56:52 GMT -6
Hi Shan, This is an interesting way of writing about a controlling relationship. I'm rather curious about your use of "the wrong path"...was that intentional? Did you mean that this person is leading you down the wrong path and then gets controlling when you attempt to find the "right" path? I usually think of straying from "the" path as being the misstep, not straying from the wrong path. I'm not quite getting the sword metaphor. Yes, a sword can be reassuring and protective, but it doesn't possess the ability to cut without being directed into doing so by the person holding it. The other person in this piece clearly possesses the ability to cut by his/her own volition. I think this disparity could be addressed with something like: Like a sword, you're reassuring and protective until I stray from the path determined by you. Then, the look in your eyes makes me bleed. As usual, these are only suggestions for your consideration. I must say that this piece made me want to steer clear of your sword-like companion!
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Sword
Oct 19, 2011 0:07:49 GMT -6
Post by diannet on Oct 19, 2011 0:07:49 GMT -6
You say a lot in a few words, and there's a few ways to take this I think but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I like that idea...
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Sword
Oct 19, 2011 9:43:54 GMT -6
Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 19, 2011 9:43:54 GMT -6
Hi Shan, After reading Dianne's comment, I realized that this entire piece is probably addressed to the person with the eyes. My comment above was based upon my thinking that your first two lines were describing a sword held in your own hands (or swords in general). If, in fact, the entire piece was addressed to the "eyes" person, then, of course, I get the sword metaphor. Still a sword, in and of itself, tends not to be a malicious thing, but I'm often scolded for being too literal in reading metaphors. So, take my first comment with a grain of salt. However, I am still interested in knowing whether you did intend to say "stray from the wrong path."
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Sword
Oct 19, 2011 11:24:56 GMT -6
Post by shannow on Oct 19, 2011 11:24:56 GMT -6
I did indeed mean to say that Brigid, i suppose that i mean that the blade is double edged..salvation and damnation can be the same thing. Thanks to everyone for commenting
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Sword
Oct 19, 2011 11:35:36 GMT -6
Post by eiken on Oct 19, 2011 11:35:36 GMT -6
I know that look in the eyes, it is more cutting than any knife. Love how you have said so much in so few words.
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Sword
Oct 19, 2011 15:46:30 GMT -6
Post by diannet on Oct 19, 2011 15:46:30 GMT -6
As I said before I think this a really good poem and that it says so much with few words but after reading it again I just have a suggestion... "if I stray from the wrong path" I was feel that it's a little of a cliche and I wonder in the interests of making it a little more solid and original if you could maybe think on how to say this differently. This is not a big criticism or anything but even just for the excercise it could be worthwhile. I know myself that I will fall for a cliche and find it hard to get rid of it and sometimes don't. It's not a biggie but just a little something to maybe think about. It's entirely up to you, I still think it's good poem.
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Sword
Oct 19, 2011 16:09:01 GMT -6
Post by heatherwordbender on Oct 19, 2011 16:09:01 GMT -6
hrm. coming back... I read it without the "wrong" in...it really does seem as Brigid (and now Dianne) mentioned that "onto the wrong path" might be nearer your intent if being kept "on the right path" is what is happening.
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