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Post by heatherwordbender on Oct 20, 2011 7:30:55 GMT -6
For My Brave Daughter
It wasn't that he'd ever taken time Or even something that she didn't expect The hurt was of a sort almost sublime An overt expectation of neglect...
Not her, but from the others' questioning "What happened that he could not come today?" "He didn't want to" has a nasty ring And then one sees the pity and dismay...
"You see it's just a culture difference" Which - saying so just widens any gaps. No telling why he doesn't see the sense, Relieve his child of covering his steps
He doesn't though and so she struggles on, The child to protect her dad from others' scorn
...there are approximations in the rhyme here, and I'm unsure whether I've put in enough information for this to stand alone. But for now I'm leaving it to see how adequate the picture is.
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Post by SweetSilverBird on Oct 20, 2011 13:37:42 GMT -6
D&W I've taken another try at a rewrite of that last couplet. See what you think.
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Post by diannet on Oct 20, 2011 14:03:00 GMT -6
I will have a go after work today to see if I can re-work this, or maybe another.
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Post by SweetSilverBird on Oct 20, 2011 16:41:20 GMT -6
I've written another to see if I can get the iambic pentametre perfect this time. Here's today's attempt
Alone by Deborah Neher
As ever I have been, I am alone. This solitude is seen only by me. As if for my great sins I must atone, and of my burdens, I can not be free. I stay away from places lovers go. I write my heart in poems I have penned, and carefully arrange my thoughts just so; to show the world I'm strong, but I pretend. So as I watch the slowly setting sun, and shiver as the failing embers die, I know the loneliness has just begun, that's when I hang my head and start to cry. No matter how the winds of life have blown; As ever I have been, I am alone.
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Post by heatherwordbender on Oct 20, 2011 18:30:05 GMT -6
SSB, I really like that rework as well as your 3rd (?) sonnet, 'Alone'
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Post by SweetSilverBird on Oct 20, 2011 18:40:47 GMT -6
That is very kind of you to say, Heather. I really like yours too. Your concept of using love to speak of higher love is profound.
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Post by diannet on Oct 21, 2011 18:41:31 GMT -6
I have tried another... I might add this is really difficult and I can certainly appreciate the talent it requires to write on of these. This took me right out of my comfort zone. I don't think I have succeeded. Hiding within I feel lost to myself As my life keeps on turning as normal Like an old chipped ornament I am lost on the shelf Between the regal, statuesque and formal A little polish, a dab of refine I would sparkle with the life I remember With youthful grace I would gratefully shine The Christmas star on the tree in December I recall your smile so deep in my heart How we danced til the morning shone through Feeling so close we swore never to part Happy years ended the day I lost you Wounded by love I lay on this ledge Waiting for the day we renew our pledge I know I've missed it...and the "the Christmas star in December" I know...it's terrible. I am just hoping I am not far off the mark any suggestions are MOST welcome.
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Post by SweetSilverBird on Oct 21, 2011 19:17:13 GMT -6
Hey Diannet - I know the sonnet can be very difficult - but I really want to encourage you to keep trying. It is very helpful to read a lot of sonnets. Especially those by William Shakespeare. The cadence and syllable stresses are very important. The way a line of iambic pentameter should sound is: da Duh da Duh da Duh da Duh da DuhSo when you picked your first word, 'Hiding' it was already not stressed properly, because one would normally say, hiding -not hi ding. Do you see what I am saying? the words have to naturally fall into the stresses called for in iambic pentameter. Once you have all your words written to fit into that da Duh da Duh da Duh da Duh da Duh exact rhythm, then you have a sonnet. (Providing you have that exact number of 10 syllables too.) The secret is all in properly picking your words for the way they are spoken, and counting syllables. One too many or too few is not really going to turn out completely satisfying or smooth, until it does. Don't give up. Try to think of it as an enormously fascinating word puzzle, and I assure you, you will get a huge kick out of it, when it all finally works! P.S. At least you are brave enough to try. I am a complete coward where it comes to any form of haiku!
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Post by heatherwordbender on Oct 21, 2011 19:41:53 GMT -6
Dianne -it's a lovely poem. And a lovely meter. Which is not that pernickety iamb yet. We were required to memorize a Shakespearean sonnet in school. I'm posting my pick for you to read. ;D If it suits your tastes at all...it will stick that rhythm in your mind. If it's not your speed...ah well. He got all snarky, you see, with all the myriad impossible perfections everyone was rambling on about... My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun; Coral is far more red than her lips' red; If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun; If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head. I have seen roses damasked, red and white, But no such roses see I in her cheeks; And in some perfumes is there more delight Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks. I love to hear her speak, yet well I know That music hath a far more pleasing sound; I grant I never saw a goddess go; My mistress when she walks treads on the ground. And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare As any she belied with false compare. ***he DID commit a FOUL offense against the iamb with the "black wires" line...
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Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 22, 2011 8:21:49 GMT -6
Greetings all! What a great discussion. Very informative and entertaining. I applaud all of you for your great sonnets (or near-sonnets, as the case may be). I've thought and thought on this and have found that, after the Villanelle and Rondo exercises, I'm all rhymed out, so I won't be attempting this particular form right now. However, I wish to again publicly applaud dustandwater for the stellar job he's doing, bringing us a new form of poetry each week, plus taking the time to do in-depth analysis and critique of all our work. I also applaud all you participants. You almost make me have "rhyme envy"! Awesomeness going on here!
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Post by diannet on Oct 22, 2011 17:24:54 GMT -6
Okay third time lucky lets see... I did concentrate on the Duh da more and I cross my fingers it works...I think I did okay??? Once more I see the trail set before me As my eyes clear of the clouds and the rain You will coax me in the trip to agony With reasons it will be good for my pain How easy it is should I grow weaker For you to turn it to fit with your page I must stand guard against the side meeker To ensure I have the key to the cage Such trials I have been through make me stronger I know this is a test a hard lesson I cannot take this journey much longer I must look after myself and press on I told you once I would not let you control The outcome of my life and my soul
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Post by dustandwater on Oct 24, 2011 9:25:04 GMT -6
Poets,
first of all, I must ask that you forgive me my absence; I've been working out of the city for the last few days.
Secondly, I want to thank you all for keeping this place alive without me. I'm really impressed with all of the interaction that has been going on and the feedback you've been giving each other.
I'm taking a look through exactly what I've missed now and I'll be back with more personal comments later, before we move on to a new form tomorrow or Wednesday!
Fantastic work, poets!
-D&W
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Post by heatherwordbender on Oct 24, 2011 10:21:55 GMT -6
I've gone and taken liberties again, doing a bit of rearranging and trying to get the stress to fall only on even syllables. And I've italicized a couple of tricks I will use to get the meter to flow as I need. As beautifully as you write it seems unfair that this off/on stress should throw you. Also...perhaps a 3 syllable meter is your natural preference? Makes 10 syllable rhyme horribly uncomfortable... Reading to "da-da dump, da-da dump da-da dump" seems like a favorite. Possibly here the words 'formal' and 'normal' may have drawn you in. Unless they are 'formaall' and 'normaall' they cannot end an iambic line. The same is true of rememberrr and Decemberrr. Sitting here now thinking on it, also I get the sense that that explains more than a few seemingly unnecessary endings, lol, common to this type of poetry. Hi ding with in feel ing lost to my selfMy life, it keeps turn ingas normal hereAn old, chipped orna ment lost on the shelf'Tween regal statu esque and formal, dear... A little polish, dab on and re fineI'd sparkle with the life I re member With youthful grace I would gratefully shineThe Christmas star on the tree in De cember I recall your smile so deep in my heart How we danced til the morning shone on through Feeling so close we swore never to part Happy years ended the day I lost you When wounded by love I lay on this ledge Waiting for the day we renew our pledge **I took and fussed with just a bit of this as it seemed closer than the others. Mostly just wanting to give you ideas. Like possibly rememberING and sing? would get the stress on the last bit instead of the errr... Dunno. I cannot say you have cracked the code and I wish you success and fun from it!
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Post by dustandwater on Oct 24, 2011 13:24:37 GMT -6
diannet, I'm really happy to see you coming back and being persistent. I'm a little confused as to the message here; the second half suggests that loss of a friend is the source of sorrow but in the first half, it seems like loss of youth is the reason. Also, towards the end, 'lay' should be 'lie', for the sake of tense. The metre is still off for a sonnet, I'm afraid. It might be worthwhile, if you really do want to crack this form, to do some exercises in iambic pentameter practice. Take five minutes every day to stop what you're doing, sit down and write about the things you can see/hear around you. Write just two lines in iambic pentameter for each observation. For example: The TV's loudly playing Mock the Week, but only so I can't hear next door's dog. It's not particularly poetic in content but the important thing is the metre. Give it a go heatherwordbender, unfortunately, I'm going to have to throw a big spanner in your works with that rewrite; when writing to metre, one should choose words that naturally fit the pattern rather than choosing any old words and then reading them with the desired rhythm. Yours actually reads naturally like this: Hiding with in feeling lost to my selfmy life it keeps turning as normal here~~the next few lines are as you say~~ I re call your smile so deep in my heartHow we danced til the morning shone on throughFeeling so close we swore never to partHappy years ended the day I lost youwhen wounded by love I lay on this ledgewaiting for the day we re new our pledgeone more thing I'd say is that "shine on through" suggests that the morning will continue to shine, though the meaning you're after is when dawn arrives, so "on" doesn't really work here. I'm really glad to see everybody getting involved and working together here. Keep it up, poets. -D&W
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Post by heatherwordbender on Oct 24, 2011 13:28:25 GMT -6
Afraid it was betwixt and between showing and iambic-ing...I do hate rewriting someone else' work...intended as a visual. Anywho.
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Post by dustandwater on Oct 24, 2011 13:30:00 GMT -6
SweetSilverBird,
As Ever I Have Been is brilliant. Well done!
As for metre, one tiny change in the second line:
...only by me... ~to~ ...by only me...
and that is all.
Excellent work here and really wonderful input with the other poets too. Very glad to have had you around.
-D&W
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Post by diannet on Oct 24, 2011 16:26:49 GMT -6
Thanks Heather, I it's difficult that's for sure... I doubt I am gonna get this in only a week but I will keep trying. Gotta go to work now!
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Post by SweetSilverBird on Oct 30, 2011 2:28:58 GMT -6
Hi D&W, I've moved my sonnets to the Rhyming section so that any more critique can carry on there. I also wanted to be able to tweet them to encourage other poets to come to PHAN. It's harder to tweet them from within the challenge itself. Thanks again for running a fantastic challenge. Your sonnet was a very good example to follow.
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