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Post by Asketes on Oct 19, 2011 22:07:58 GMT -6
This weekend I spent some time with that special someone who recently entered my life. This morning I sat down and wrote this. It has a different tempo, see if you can find the rhythm. It describes some of the thoughts and emotions we’ve shared together; I’m happy with how it turned out though it was a bit of work to flush out but I had someone on my mind for inspiration.
A Breath of Fresh Air:
A breath of fresh air - Such an aura has never persisted Day and night, seconds and minutes Ticking by I contine to fall Persons entwined, a mutual coexistence I’ll be yours always, I swear.
A glass of cool water on a hot day - Refreshing and fullfilling A necessary wonder, an exemplary partner Angelic and divine A moment in life, ever so thrilling. Never black & white, but many shades of gray
A shady tree amidst a desert backdrop - Rare and mystical such as a black unicorn Unheard of and thought only to exist in stories and prayers Hidden from the masses, choosing her match wisely With elegance and strength, that with which she has been adorned Against any storm we shall not falter, we cannot be stopped
A slight breeze on a summer eve - Warm sunshine and a sensual candle Always glowing with warmth and love Not knowing what to expect but also without fear Delicate and beautiful, you are my perfect angel With you, there is nothing more I could ever need
A breath of fresh air. A glass of cool water on a hot day. A shady tree amidst a desert backdrop. A slight breeze on a summer eve. Everything more and nothing less, I’m yours, even in distress.
What comes and goes we cannot know The storms shall pass and rain may fall Who knows the future, I surely don’t The one thing I know, is without you my life will stall.
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Post by diannet on Oct 20, 2011 0:54:20 GMT -6
Welcome to the forum, it's nice to see a newbie. I must say you certainly lavish the praise on this special person... lucky person! There's some really nice phrasing in this poem, I like how you have repeated the first line of every stanza in the fifth. This does seem to be a very personal poem but I do think it could use some tightening. For example I think you could probably change "in stories and prayers" in the third line of third stanza to maybe "legend". You have some rhyme in this and I am hesitant to suggest to much more because it would mess about with the rhyme, but it does in some lines seem forced particularly in the third stanza. There are others on the forum who are much better at rhyme than I am so maybe they might have some ideas that could help. I also wonder at whether or not the last stanza is really needed. These are only my thoughts, at the end of the day it's your poem. Great to see you on board!
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Post by Asketes on Oct 20, 2011 7:45:14 GMT -6
The 3rd stanza was a little rough and though I was fairly happy with the way it turned out I know exactly what you mean. When I finished with the fifth stanza I felt like it needed some time of ending, or closure, so I kept writing a bit and I changed up the rhyme scheme. I had 10 lines or so I was playing with but knew it needed only a few so I settled with what you see now. A simple free rhyme with a catch-all ending. Do you think it might be omitted due to it breaking the flow or due to redundancy? I value your opinion and thank you for your response! -Rob www.asketes.com
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Post by Reilley on Oct 20, 2011 10:27:09 GMT -6
This reads like a country song sounds, and I mean that as a compliment. I can see the first two lines of the fifth stanza, containing the title, pulled out as a refrain and inserted between each two stanzas, with a repeat for a finish. Bang, instant country song. Of course, your mileage may vary. At any rate, I liked this.
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Post by Asketes on Oct 20, 2011 10:31:06 GMT -6
Thank you! I definitely didn't write this with an song-like inspiration like my post in the "Lyrics" section though with your input I can see exactly what you mean. Thank you for your kind words! -Rob www.asketes.com
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Post by diannet on Oct 20, 2011 14:19:04 GMT -6
Do you think it might be omitted due to it breaking the flow or due to redundancy?Hi Asketes, I thought the last stanza was a bit redundant and yes, it did break the flow, but breaking the flow on the last stanza can work well at times, but in this case I really feel it's not required.
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Post by Asketes on Oct 20, 2011 14:29:57 GMT -6
Do you think it might be omitted due to it breaking the flow or due to redundancy?Hi Asketes, I thought the last stanza was a bit redundant and yes, it did break the flow, but breaking the flow on the last stanza can work well at times, but in this case I really feel it's not required. I see that makes sense. I still like the ending but I can see how it's not fitting in this setup. Hmmm... Food for thought! thanks again -Rob www.asketes.com
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Post by heatherwordbender on Oct 20, 2011 14:33:38 GMT -6
Can't much add anything but welcome at this point, but that most definitely Welcome!
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Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 22, 2011 8:02:03 GMT -6
Hi Rob,
First, let me say welcome to our forum. It's always great to see new, enthusiastic people show up here. Congratulations on commenting on another person's poem before posting your own---many of our newbies forget to do so in their desire to get their own work out there for all to see.
Now, about your poem. I think it's a very heartfelt expression of the excitement of new love. However, I think you're attempting to get every possible good thing about this person into one work and that it's a bit of overload for the reader. For me, the beauty of poetry is in subtlety---letting the reader draw his or her own conclusions rather than overwhelming the reader with statement after statement. It's very clear that you are a romantic, but it's important to let us feel what is really different about this love---from all the other love poems written. While this poem may be thrilling to the one you wrote it about, especially if she shares your passion, for those of us outside of your very personal "world of two", there really isn't much here that we haven't heard many times before.
Which brings me to the subject of clichés. In poetry, much more so than in daily conversation, it's important to avoid using clichés---those phrases that we all use frequently. Even though these phrases often sum up a situation or a person in a sort of shorthand, they don't tell us what that situation or person was really like. Unfortunately, "A breath of fresh air" is one of the most frequently used clichés. What poetry asks you to do is to go beyond the cliché and let us see your love and your lover in detail, not by describing each quality minutely, but by offering us insight into what makes her so special.
I'm not trying to diminish what you feel for this person in any way. What you've written certainly conveys that you're enamored with her. However, what I am trying to do is get you to think about her in new ways, with phrases we don't see all the time---words that will touch our own hearts rather than phrases that we've heard many, many times before, which have been depleted of real meaning by their over-use.
Another couple of suggestions: be careful of redundant terms such as "mutual coexistence" and rhymes that don't make the best use of language, such as:
"Everything more and nothing less, I’m yours, even in distress"
and
"The storms shall pass and rain may fall Who knows the future, I surely don’t The one thing I know, is without you my life will stall"
Rhyming poetry can be beautiful and expressive, however, when it seems that the rhyme takes precedent over precise meaning, for me, it falls short.
I know that this can feel like a harsh critique, especially for a debut effort. However, this forum is about helping each other become better poets. The point is not to showcase our work, but rather to share it, as well as sharing our feelings and expertise, so that all of us may improve our writing. My opinions are just that---opinions---that carry no more weight than anyone else's. You have already gotten some good suggestions and positive feedback from others, and to that I will (finally) add my own. This is sweet and sincere and it does get your message across. No one will walk away from this poem scratching their head---musing about its meaning. I also admire the amount of thought and work you put into this poem. It is clear that you have the soul of a poet, which, when not being totally painful, can be a really wonderful thing.
I hope you will take this critique as it is intended---to help you grow in your work and to help you utilize that poetic soul for more unique expression.
I'm happy that you're here on the forum and I hope you'll continue writing and interacting with us. We need all the romantics we can get here!
Brigid
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Post by eiken on Oct 24, 2011 5:20:56 GMT -6
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Post by Asketes on Oct 24, 2011 11:28:58 GMT -6
Brigid
Appreciate the feedback and critique. You make a lot of sense, and I'll agree that this particular piece was written to appeal to a specific someone and our "inside" jokes if I can. We are both kind of cheesy so the title being a cliche was somewhat intended - though I fully admit titling my pieces is not one of my strengths.
I was stretching a little bit with the scheme and while I was mostly happy with it's outcome I fully understand where you are coming from on that point as well; I'm used to more free write and not so much rhyme scheme.
I will take what you've said and attempt to apply some of it to my experiences and writing.
Thank you again -Rob
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Post by Asketes on Oct 24, 2011 11:29:59 GMT -6
Afterthought:
I'm not sure why I posted this in Free Verse, this should have gone into Rhyming Poetry.
My apologies!
-Rob
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Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 25, 2011 5:55:46 GMT -6
Hi Rob,
I agree with you, this should be in Rhyming Poetry and now it is!
The thing about inside jokes is that all of us on the outside don't get them. If you had told us in your introduction that this was intended as a send-up of romantic poetry, that would have made a big difference. However, the introduction you did give us didn't even hint at this.
One reason we don't generally give introductions here is that a poem should stand on it's own, without needing a lot of explanation.
I really appreciate the good grace with which you took my critique. The only time I will spend a lot of time writing a critique is when I see some real potential in what has been written. Also, I think that nearly all of us started our poetic careers using lots of clichés, because that's the way we're used to communicating. So, you are definitely not alone.
I look forward to reading more of your work.
Brigid
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Post by SweetSilverBird on Oct 30, 2011 1:23:38 GMT -6
For this poem, I think the intermittant rhyme makes the poem just a little cosier. Makes it easy and familiar. Almost as though it was written along to some song.
Agree the last line falls flat for me, but there is room for rewrite there.
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Post by Callisse J. DeTerre on Nov 1, 2011 5:21:40 GMT -6
Welcome, welcome, welcome! I see you're getting the kid-glove newbie treatment from most so far, but I'm of the camp, dish what you desire (every thought that crosses a reader's mind if it offers only an iota's chance at bettering me). Where I see talent, I'll help to cultivate skill. That said, though, I won't be able to comment on everything. If you want my input on a particular piece, send me a private message, preferably with a link.
As for the poem, I think there is room for compromise in what people have said so far and the intentions you've communicated here, by thinking outside the box. It is 3am so I'm going to be succinct and then show you what I mean by way of a rewrite. Such is not to suggest that my version is better, but merely to illustrate my point.
So here's the summary... 1) Ditto Brigid's comments. 2) If being "cheesy" is something you share in common, then bring that into the poem itself. 3) As you'll hear it from a couple people on here eventually anyway, I'll go ahead and say it..."cull, cull, cull"; say more with less; aim for pithy, not prolixious [mind you, this is an on-going challenge for me ]. 4) You've got some lines in there that are not cliche and have a great sound to them. Here's a possible unpolished rewrite to illustrate my points...
A Breath of Fresh Air:
A breath of fresh air? I stumble trying to say, such an aura has never persisted day and night, seconds and minutes ticking as we continue to spiral free fall entwined; "yours forever" an unspoken bliss
A glass of cool water on a hot day - a necessary wonder, refreshing, fulfilling An exemplary partner, angelic, divine Each moment together ever so thrilling Never black & white, but many shades of gray
A shady tree against a desert backdrop - as rare as sighting a mystical black unicorn in elegance and strength, adorned who from hiding, chooses her mate Thought only to exist in legend, and yet... Against any storm we'll neither falter nor stop
A gentle breeze on a summer eve feeds a sensual candle flame of our love Uncertain what to expect and yet not flickering in fear Delicate and beautiful, my perfect angel here Without whom, I would most certainly need
A breath of fresh air, A glass of cool water on a hot day, A shady tree against a desert backdrop, A gentle breeze on a summer eve, Everything more and nothing less, I offer another - yours, even in distress?
We chuckle at our cliched romantic script What comes and goes we cannot know The storm shall pass; then rain may fall We cannot know the future, but I do know this - without you, my life would...stall?
[/blockquote]
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