From My Bedroom Window

[Callisse J. DeTerre]

From My Bedroom Window

Oh, fathomless sky,
please draw me nigh
to your breast
to calm my tempest
soul that I
may, at last, find rest,
shutting my eyes,
stirring less and less
until I'm carried by
starlight to dawn's light
and wake refreshed

~ Callisse J. DeTerre
© 19 August 2012

Hello, again, old friends. Welcome friends from other web neighborhoods and friends to be. I wrote this just recently - a very first draft but for the few changes I made as I typed. I have for far too long neglected this splendid site.

[Neal Allen (snowtracks)]

A most enchanting way of counting sheep I must say. I really like it Callisse.

Perhaps I would prefer it if you had not used both "starlight" and "dawn's light"in the penultimate line. To me it feels like repetition although I realize you were probably creating an effect by doing it that way. Just my first impression.

Nice to meet you.

[Callisse J. DeTerre]

First off. . . VISITORS, until posted otherwise, you are welcome to comment on these boards and you need not be a poet.  Most people aren't and I want my poetry to speak to people in general. And you timid writers, jump in. This is a studio, not a gallery. We are all here to grow. EVERYONE, just say what you like the sound of or what rubs you the wrong way. Let me know if something confuses you or peeks your curiosity. What do you imagine or think? I want to know what you don't like as much as what you do. Really, let me have it; I'm thick-skinned. I'll love you for it.

Now, my reply. . . Mmm, yes, I actually agree.  I made the same observation just after I finished typing it.  I decided to wait in doing a revision until others entered their input.  Here, you've got my mental spittle - a first draft¹, excepting one thing.  As I was typing it out, I suddenly noticed the frequent rhymes² and so, rearranged the line breaks.  I have not yet analyzed the rhythm or anything else really..  (Has anyone noticed an irregularity?) Does anything sound forced or cliché? Am I verbose where a pithier expression would do?
As for solving the challenge you put forth,  I see two options. One is to come up with an alternative that maintains the rhyme scheme (I am including "light" as a near-rhyme).  Does anyone have a suggestion? My other is to find a non-rhyming alternative but re-determine the line breaks.³  Here again, would any of you care to share your input?

NOTE: I am still struggling with not rewriting so much, mostly in trying to shorten my comments, but I'm compromising by using footnotes, so read more if you want but you don't have to. Here's a link to a compilation. . . www.poetry-here-and-now.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=chat&thread=1397

[Neal Allen (snowtracks)]

Just a thought as a response, how about instead of "starlight to dawn's light" something like Starlight, through the long night or similar?

[Callisse J. DeTerre]

Your specific suggestion would change the rhythm; I believe the extra beat is awkward. The concept though of using "night" as a rhyme is an obvious and workable solution. However, while considering that, I started thinking about other aspects of sleep and night and am considering the following (I didn't bother with revising the above yet.). . .

". . . carried by
my dreams to dawn's light
and. . ."

What do you think?

[rhumour]

Hi Callisse, I like this poem.

Personally I think the change you are suggesting would be a good one, it flows smoothly.

Best wishes, Dave

[Neal Allen (snowtracks)]

Yes. Oh definitely yes.

[Asketes]

Nicely formed, the ending in particular flows well.