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Post by Neal Allen (snowtracks) on Aug 22, 2012 5:48:48 GMT -6
Revision 3 (To add uniformity to the language usage)
We know not why we were born folk, nor whence we go from here. We only know the inner force that drives us through our fear. We only hear the trumpet that commands us to the fray. We only know contentment when we’ve overcome the day. Our lives fly swiftly by us in the endlessness of time To try to understand it, holds no merit and no rhyme.
But, we can seek out higher mountains, cross ever wider seas. We can tap into the power of soul, our hunger to appease. We can press our wills to our hearts folk, forge forward and stronger grow. Drive on, drive ever on folk. It’s the only thing we know.
I have seriously thought about your proposed changes Callisse. I think I see what the basic problem was. The first half of the poem was a sort of defeatist acknowledgement that we are powerless in this world and the second part seemed to be saying something much more positive. This is O.K. but in that case there needs to be a transition from the weak to the strong stance. I am reminded of Milton in "On his Blindness" where he curses his blindness and the way it has disabled him but then later carries on to speak of the way forward. He divides the parts though by saying.."But patience to prevent that murmur soon replies"..
Now, I am no Milton and this is not a great sonnet. I have however made a change of that type by simply adding the word "but" and changing a couple of other words around it.
The poem as it is now is more what I wanted it to be. I have retained the rather quaint and somewhat archaic use of language because I like it and I think it gives the poem a kind of collaborative tone which is what I wanted. I want it to be a warm encouragement and not cold and correct in all respects.
That's a lot of verbiage but here is revision 2. Thanks Callisse.
Drive on - Revision_2
We know not why we were born folk, nor whence we go from here. We only know the inner force that drives us through our fear. We only hear the trumpet that commands us to the fray. We only know contentment when we’ve overcome the day. Our lifetimes are but microdots on the ceaseless line of time. To try to understand it all, holds no merit and no rhyme.
But, we can seek out higher mountains, cross ever wider seas. We can tap into the power of soul, our hunger to appease. We can press our wills to our hearts folk, forge forward and stronger grow. Drive on, drive ever on folk. It’s the only thing we know.
Drive on - Revised
We know not why we were born folk, nor whence we go from here We only know the inner force that drives us through our fear. We only hear the trumpet that commands us to the fray. We only know contentment when we’ve overcome the day.
Our lifetimes are but microdots on the ceaseless line of time. To try to understand it all, holds no merit and no rhyme. We must seek out higher mountains, cross ever wider seas. We need to tap the power of soul, our hunger to appease.
So press your will to your hearts good folk. Forge forward and stronger grow. Drive on, drive ever on folk. It’s the only thing we know.
Drive on
We know not why we were born folks, nor whence we go from here We only know the inner force that drives us through our fear We only hear the trumpet that commands us to the fray We only know contentment when we’ve overcome the day
Our lifetimes are but microdots on the ceaseless line of time To try to understand it all; holds no merit and no rhyme We must seek out higher mountains; cross ever wider seas We needs tap the power inside our souls, our hunger to appease
So press your will to your hearts good folk Forge forward and stronger grow Drive on. Drive ever on folk! It’s the only thing we know.
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Post by diannet on Aug 22, 2012 6:10:10 GMT -6
Certainly motivational Neal. This seems to be your forte. It's good to have someone with the knack for motivation on the forum. Gets everyone going and keeps us enthused. Well it does me anyhow. I was just wondering about last line in the second stanza... needs (a typo) I am thinking. Oh well Drive On that's all I can say!
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Post by Brigid Briton on Aug 22, 2012 9:46:58 GMT -6
Hi Neal, After the great discussion that flowed from your "Obtuse Muse" poem, I almost asked you to give us another to spur us into another discussion. But, it was extremely late last night and I didn't ask. You must have gotten the message anyway. I agree with Dianne that this is a great motivational piece. I think there's a small inconsistency between "We know not why we were born , folks" and "So press your will to your hearts , good folk". I think the term "folk" would actually serve better in both cases since it's already a plural. I also think, in both cases that a comma might be called for. I love the line " microdots on the ceaseless line of time". It seems such a modern concept, introduced into what is otherwise a quite traditional way of speaking and it's just a really good image. Thanks for sharing another inspiring piece with us. As Dianne points out, you're a great asset to this forum.
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Post by Neal Allen (snowtracks) on Aug 22, 2012 12:34:06 GMT -6
Thanks Diannet and Brigid for your feedback. I am not always in the motivational mode. It just seemed like a good time to be that way. I have taken note of your very valid comments and will probably rework the little poem at some stage. The next one will be something completely different so watch this space.
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Post by Callisse J. DeTerre on Aug 24, 2012 8:56:29 GMT -6
I am having a little trouble articulating my deeper thoughts but I'll try to deposit a few here in intelligible form.
First, nice flow and sound. I like the repetition of "know" in the last line echoing that in the first, thus bringing the poem full circle. I think the debate of folk versus folks is irrelevant; I think the words are superfluous. I really enjoy strong imagery in poetry and I think you could add more. I like the image of the trumpet, but having recently returned from a ceremony of my brother's infantry brigade, I envision the trumpeting call to "Charge!" leading troops into battle rather than a seargant's command-like "Get your butt out of bed, Private!" revelry. Is "command" the word you want here? Maybe it is.
"We must" and "command" give this poem a tone of resignation to me. It is motivating, but not hopeful or encouraging to me. Instead, I feel more like you are saying, "It's no use trying to figure out your life, so just keep moving." Should I be resigned? Am I compelled to keep trying to DO more? Does questioning what perhaps we may never know really have no merit? I wonder if this defeated resignation is a slip of your subconscious or a sensitivity in mine that is defensively rebelling?
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Post by Neal Allen (snowtracks) on Aug 24, 2012 12:35:01 GMT -6
Callisse, your thoughts are profound and I need to ingest them and consider them.I'm not immediately sure whether you are convincing me to change the sentiments and intentions of what I wrote into something you would have written or whether I go along with your suggestions. I will weigh this up and will consider changes.
Whichever way it goes, I really do appreciate the trouble you have taken to review what I have done and I will give due consideration to your input. Thank you for your critique.
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Post by Callisse J. DeTerre on Aug 24, 2012 14:05:11 GMT -6
Oh my, please don't think Iwas suggesting you change the poem to reflect what I think. The question I put forth to you is, "Do the words you've chosen best convey your intent?". Also, don't think I am suggesting my interpretation is the only (obviously it is not) or correct one. What I mean to do is only to prompt you to consider the selection of words when you write and all the different ways they may be interrpretted alone and in combination with others. Language is so powerful and just a few tiny words or how we arrange them can impact significantly the overall meaning of an intended message. I struggle with this myself. The only difference between us perhaps is that after it was called to my attention, I think I am more aware. Nonetheless, I sometimes know that how I've said something doesn't capture my intent, but I can't find a better way to say it. Other times, I accept, having noticed or having had it brought to my attention, that my deepest reaches were trying to say something of which I was unaware and that that message is more important to share. Well, honestly, I already know I have to much too say. so it is quite possible I think too much too. ;D
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Post by Neal Allen (snowtracks) on Aug 25, 2012 8:58:21 GMT -6
Hi Brigid. I see your point about the line, "Our lifetimes are but microdots on the ceaseless line of time", being inconsistent with the traditional or even archaic use of language elsewhere in the poem. I am tempted to change it and bring it into line with the rest but as you say, the line has a nice feel to it and it would be a pity to discard it. I will mull over it and maybe I will remove it and use that line in a more modern poem? Kind regards
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Post by Callisse J. DeTerre on Aug 25, 2012 11:23:25 GMT -6
I might be wrong Neal, but I think Brigid liked the contrast. In reality, we exist in a multi-generational world.
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Post by Neal Allen (snowtracks) on Aug 25, 2012 14:12:59 GMT -6
Yes. But when I re-looked at it, I thought it was wrong to mix the old and new language. I liked the line myself but in retrospect, the type of language was a mismatch. I will probably change it and use that line or similar somewhere else.
Thanks again
n
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Post by Callisse J. DeTerre on Aug 25, 2012 19:13:15 GMT -6
The first half of the poem was a sort of defeatist acknowledgement that we are powerless in this world and the second part seemed to be saying something much more positive. This is O.K. but in that case there needs to be a transition from the weak to the strong stance. I have however made a change of that type by simply adding the word "but" and changing a couple of other words around it. The poem as it is now is more what I wanted it to be. I have retained the rather quaint and somewhat archaic use of language because I like it and I think it gives the poem a kind of collaborative tone which is what I wanted. I want it to be a warm encouragement. . . Thanks Callisse. Drive on - Revision_2 . . . Our lifetimes are but microdots on the ceaseless line of time. To try to understand it all, holds no merit and no rhyme. But, we can seek out higher mountains, cross ever wider seas. We can tap into the power of soul, our hunger to appease. We can press our wills to our hearts folk, forge forward and stronger grow. Drive on, drive ever on folk. It’s the only thing we know. Drive on - Revised . . . Our lifetimes are but microdots on the ceaseless line of time. To try to understand it all, holds no merit and no rhyme. We must seek out higher mountains, cross ever wider seas. We need to tap the power of soul, our hunger to appease. So press your will to your hearts good folk. Forge forward and stronger grow. Drive on, drive ever on folk. It’s the only thing we know. BRAVO!! Absolutely wonderful revision - so much more clear and congruent. I feel more like I'm running a cross-country race with my team and less like I'm running from a bully. The poem is first comforting, and then, hope-evoking. Thank you for embracing the challenge of questioning whether you've said what you intended rather than bristling with defensiveness as if the expression of a different perspective means an attack on your intent or talent. A perfect example would be your decision to keep the "quaint and somewhat archaic language because. . . it gives the poem a kind of collaborative tone. . . I want it. . . not cold and correct in all respects." I quite agree with your assessment that the language belongs in this now clearly warm, encouraging poem. I enjoy critiquing most those poems in which I see good potential, including a poet who is unflinchingly open to feedback. Follow this link for more detailed feedback and related ramblings [read as "and nearly endless philosophical musings". . . www.poetry-here-and-now.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=chat&thread=1397&page=1
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Post by rhumour on Aug 29, 2012 13:40:05 GMT -6
Hi Neal, I've been absent for a while so I don't think we have 'met' here previously.
I rather like the revised poem, it seems to me that the flow is nice and easy and the transition into the more upbeat second stanza is effective.
Best wishes, Dave
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Post by Neal Allen (snowtracks) on Aug 29, 2012 14:34:44 GMT -6
Thank you for your comments Dave. I take note
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