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Post by poetrynovice on Oct 14, 2012 6:54:54 GMT -6
Spending listless days
Awaiting your presence here
Recalling your special ways
Fantasising you are near
Memories run through my mind
New experiences yet to find
To touch you is pure bliss
You surprise me with your kiss
Familiarity provides the music, to our dance
Exploring each other, when we get the chance
Longing for your warm embrace
Melting when I see that smiling face.
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Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 14, 2012 10:09:41 GMT -6
Hello "poetrynovice"
Welcome to the forum. This is a great debut. I moved this from the free verse section to the Rhyming section for obvious reasons.
This is a very sweet homage to that special someone, recalling those feelings that makes love so exciting.
I noticed that you changed up your rhyming scheme. In the first stanza, the first and third lines and the second and fourth lines rhyme. In the other two stanzas, the first and second and third and fourth rhyme. While there are no hard and fast rules demanding an even rhyming scheme, I did find this a bit distracting.
Should you choose to do so, this would be an easy fix, if you just switched the second and third lines to read:
Spending listless days
Recalling your special ways
Awaiting your presence here
Fantasising you are near
Instead of:
Spending listless days
Awaiting your presence here
Recalling your special ways
Fantasising you are near
I'm so happy that you posted this on our forum. We need more rhyming poets here!
By the way, if you want to put a link to your blog in your "signature" line, so people can see what a great job you've done there, that's fine by me.
I hope we see a lot more of your work!
Brigid
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Post by Neal Allen (snowtracks) on Oct 23, 2012 3:20:16 GMT -6
Hello Poetrynovice.
May I add my word of welcome to the forum.
Your tale of an exciting new love affair that has to be patient is well woven. The empty feeling of the "listless days" when the partner cannot be there contrast excellently with the "longing for your warm embrace". I think most readers would identify with your situation and that makes it believable and palpable.
As with Brigid, a uniform rhyme scheme would be more appealing to me. There are no hard and fast rules of course so it is just feedback.
Keep them coming. Any critique from the group is intended only to be helpful and you should never let it put you off writing and showing us what you have written. We are hungry for well woven words.
May the Muse be with you.
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