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Post by Fire Monkey on Nov 14, 2012 12:27:16 GMT -6
The sunlight glistens, dances, sways
upon the waters of the bay
As though in happy endless days
it dances in simple display
I wonder if it is really
as carefree as it seems to be
Or is this dance a silent plea
as currents sweep it out to sea
Copyright November 14, 2012
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Post by Brigid Briton on Nov 14, 2012 14:14:52 GMT -6
Hi Tim,
It's always great to see something new from you. I'm not so sure about your title. "What Lies Beneath" (not What Lays Beneith) would be grammatically correct, but the "Beneath" makes me think of what lies beneath the waves and I think you're talking about what the seemingly happy sunlight really "feels" or portends.
This is another one that really makes me stop and think, which I love. It evokes a lovely, peaceful scene, yet there's that question, "what's really going on here?"
I notice that you've switched up the rhyming scheme from the first half to the second. You know that I'm far from an expert on rhyming poetry, so I'll leave comment on that aspect to someone with more expertise, but I do wonder about it.
Brigid
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Post by Neal Allen (snowtracks) on Nov 14, 2012 14:54:45 GMT -6
Hi Tim
Just on the title I have to say that I do not know the word "benieth". I am assuming that it is a synonym for beneath unless I am missing some subtlety. The use of lay in this context is unusual but I have heard it used this way in the past. Bob Dylan uses it similarly in his song "Lay Lady Lay, across my big brass bed". There could of course be a double meaning to the title, i.e what is below but alternatively what is the hidden truth? This would be in line with the question you ask in the poem about what the message is that the dancing light is sending to the observer.
Forgetting the title, I enjoyed your poem. You create a vivid moving image giving life to the light on the water, and I can picture it "dancing" and "swaying" on the moving sea. It could almost be like a life form playing on the waves or maybe it is writhing and fighting for its life. Your poem leaves us wondering about this and as such I feel you have succeeded in what you set out to sketch. Thank you for a thought provoking and vivid poem.
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Post by diannet on Nov 14, 2012 21:41:48 GMT -6
Very nice, I felt it quite calming despite the wondering...I think you need to be swept away sometimes into a carefree mode, it's not always possible to get there yourself. That's how this speaks to me anyway, and I love getting swept away on waves, just floating staring at the sky.  |
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Post by Fire Monkey on Nov 15, 2012 0:03:41 GMT -6
OK, first, the title - to clear up one thing, my spelling is absolutely horrid and so I depend on a spell checker and for some reason it failed me on "Benieth" I guess for some reason the fact that it was in the subject line the spell checker I use failed to check it or something, so that was just an error  ... now as for "Lay" vs "Lie" - I really wish I could claim it was a clever use of words as Niel suggests but I can't - it is the biggest problem in depending on a spell checker - Lay and Lie are both valid words so the spell checker doesn't alert me to the problem. [blush] That said, I did intend the title to have multiple ways it could be taken. Now as for the body of the poem, I was wanting to have both the gentle cheerful image and at the same time to suggest that there may be more, something hidden, it was supposed to cause the reader to stop and think about things and question if things are the way they seem to be. So I guess I succeeded in that. |
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... now as for "Lay" vs "Lie" - I really wish I could claim it was a clever use of words as Niel suggests but I can't - it is the biggest problem in depending on a spell checker - Lay and Lie are both valid words so the spell checker doesn't alert me to the problem. [blush] That said, I did intend the title to have multiple ways it could be taken.