The youth won't listen

[Neal Allen (snowtracks)]

I have been working on a rather serious and slightly depressing poem but when I was ready to publish it I decided it was not suited to the festive season. I will therefore put it under wraps until the new year. Instead I will post a more light hearted little rhyme that I wrote some years ago.

THE YOUTH WON'T LISTEN

When a man has had his span
of three score years and then ten,
and his beard flows old
and his toes grow cold
and he starts to wonder when,
his days in the sun
will be over and done
and his walk on the road will end.

Then his mind recalls
the climbs and the falls
and the good years spread on the wind,
and he lives again
the days when men
were discreet about having sinned,
and he utters a cry
and prepares to die
with his hopes on some greater life pinned.

Why that’s when a guy
can say with a sigh,
It’s been long, it’s been hard, now I’m old.
I’ve seen it all, I’ve had a ball,
I’ve been timid and rash and bold.
I could tell you now that it’s time to blow
about life’s how what where and when,
but you won’t want to know
so with me it will go
into that final cold.

[Brigid Briton]

Hi Neal,

I'd say "go for it" with your "slightly depressing poem". I think a lot of us get down at the holidays because they're never what they're cracked up to be. You needn't worry about putting us on a downer because a lot of us are already there. Plus, you know it's true that misery adores company.

I'm on my way out the door and don't have time to comment on this poem, but I'll catch up with you later.

[diannet]

Everyone in the end finds out for themselves, what life is about...you can only do your best but the young ones will always think somehow it will be different for them...and we all end up on that same doorway that looms at the end of it all contemplating our own lives...and taking our secrets when we go.

[Neal Allen (snowtracks)]

Thanks Dianne. Yes of course you are right, and it is good. If the children blindly followed what we told them, they would simply make the same mistakes that we did and anyway, the world has changed. It is an old timers lament and nothing more.

[dustandwater]

Hi, Neal.

I think this is more powerful than you seem to give it credit; it certainly goes beyond light-hearted, I would say. There's definitely a strong sentiment to be found.

I think it a bit of a shame that the rhyme-scheme falls away in the third stanza. I can't tell whether that was a conscious decision or a lapse; I tend towards the latter, sadly, what with the somewhat forced rhyme at the end of the second suggesting a struggle to maintain the form.

If I am wrong about that however, and you did vary the scheme intentionally, then I think it is still worth pointing out that that is not apparent - perhaps there's some way you could delineate them more?

Also, I'm not sure why you chose to add 'then' in the second line's, 'three score years and then ten'; not only is it non-standard in that phrase but also it throws the metre off. Again, if there is a considered reason for this, I missed it and felt the poem weaker for it.

All this is to say that the sentiment of the poem is a strong one and the rhyme-scheme you set up very compelling. With this in mind, I feel like there are either some discrepancies to tidy up or else some subtle decisions that might benefit from being made clearer.

On the other hand, no one else seems to have said any of the same, so perhaps I have missed something. Your reply would be most enlightening, I'm sure.

A very enjoyable read. You certainly have the ability to pen a meaningful poem.

-D&W

[Neal Allen (snowtracks)]

Thank you indeed D&W. I did write this poem quickly and without too much thought but since I seem to have readers like yourself who feel it is worth working on, I shall pay it a bit more attention. I value your input and will certainly give thought to your suggestions.