Crawling Memories

[diannet]

Revised


With his mate he watches the sea
A voice within whispers a plea
What light there is begins to dim
Memories crawl alongside him

They pin him to a darkened floor
He wears the tears the scars of war
But smiles upon the day that’s grim
Memories crawl alongside him

Night brings never a chance to dream
A silent all consuming scream
In nightmares he is forced to swim
Memories crawl alongside him

When she smiles from within the frame
Inside his heart he feels the flame
Although he thought their chances slim
Memories crawl up alongside him



Original

With his mate he watches the sea
A voice within whispers a plea
What light there is begins to dim
Memories crawl up beside him

They pin him to a darkened floor
He wears the tears the scars of war
But smiles upon the day that’s grim
Memories crawl up beside him

Night brings never a chance to dream
A silent all consuming scream
In nightmares he is forced to swim
Memories crawl up beside him

When she smiles from within the frame
Inside his heart he feels the flame
Although he thought the chances slim
Memories crawl up beside him



This is a kyrielle form: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kyrielle I took part in a prompt for this form a while ago and found it quite an enjoyable form.

[dustandwater]

Hi, diannet.

I don't know if this refers to an established myth, or something? Whether it is or not, it feels to me like it could fit well within Ancient Greek lore. If it doesn't refer to, I'm a little hazy on what relationship there is between the subject and the mate; if it is a story already in existence, then I guess I'm just ignorant to the source material.

Aside from that, it is a very well written poem. Atmosphere abounds and one gets very easily drawn into the mood of the piece, the surroundings, the experience that the subject is calling on. Very empathetic - well done.

Also, I like the rhyme and metre. The piece flows well and rhymes are well chosen without feeling forced (I'm not sure about 'frame' in the last stanza but again, it could be that I'm missing some background). The only problem I find with metre is in the refrain; one is led to read 'beside' with unnatural stress on the first syllable following the metre of the preceding lines. Read it aloud and then compare it with the following - not that I am suggesting this as a replacement, just a metrical demonstration:

memories crawl all over him.

You should see that that falls more naturally into the rhythm of the piece. I'm not sure exactly what to add to or how to alter the line, but it's something to think about.

This is a great piece, diannet, and feels like the foundation for some great epic. Excellent!

-D&W

[diannet]

Hi D&W, thank you for your comments...this poem came about from my imagination really, an old man sitting on a park bench watching the sea, with an old friend next to him...and no matter what he does in life, painful memories of war are with him, only the memories of his wife bring warmth...that's what I was aiming for anyway.

I agree with your idea about the refrain, initially I did try something different but really wanted that image of memories as being beside him, following him, just there, so I did change it but have thought maybe... "memories crawl up next to him"... I will give it a little more thought and see if I can come up with something else but thanks again for your input.

[Brigid Briton]

Hiya Dianne,

Wow, another venture into new territory. Crawling memories, a great concept.

Why is it that, with the exception of babies, things that crawl are sort of creepy? I like the idea of memories crawling, it's very original. I do think the refrain d&w offered works a bit better, meter-wise, however, his version is a bit more creepy.

I do think the use of the word "mate" (for friend) in the first stanza is confusing to non-Aussies. That word tends to conjure "spouse" for a lot of us.

"Although he thought the chances slim"---how would you feel about changing "the" to "their" chances? I think that would make the connection between the woman in the frame and the old man stronger.

My hat's off to you for trying yet another new form. You are adventurous and I admire that.

[Neal Allen (snowtracks)]

Hi Dianne

This poem is quite profound although unsettling as it is clearly meant to be., The reader can feel the dark menace of the traumatic memories of horrific war that the subject can't escape from.The repeated refrain serves well to entrench the idea that there is nothing he can do to avoid these unwelcome bedfellows.

Just a though might be to slightly alter the refrain in the last stanza because surely the memories invoked by his wife's portrait are not the same as the ominous ones that stem from the war experiences. I am thinking of a final line like say, "Memories snuggle up to him". Just food for thought. I was powerfully moved by your poem thank you,

[diannet]

Hi all I thank you for your input, I gave it some thought and came up with "alongside" him. I thought "over" him was too much, "next to" seemed too little...anyway I thought this might be mid way.

It has been an interesting one to ponder.

[Bhavanidevi]

An excellent description of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. So many of our military personnel serving in times of war have their hearts and souls shredded by what they see. By what they are forced to do. In the old days, I think they called it "shell shock". By whichever name, these veterans are never the same. Your poem created the character very well. I could see him. Could feel the memories that crawl alongside him. It reminds me of the soldiers from the 1st and 2nd world wars who are present at Remembrance Day services. There are ghosts in their eyes. Thank you for keeping us mindful of the sacrifices of so many.