John Walton
Junior Member
Please check out my Blog - mylifemywordsmypoetry.blogspot.com
Posts: 78
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Post by John Walton on May 24, 2014 2:23:50 GMT -6
The sun rises from its slumber and bids the moon farewell; then, peeking through the curtains, begins to cast its spell.
My eyes are barely open and my vision still impaired; the silence only broken by the calling of a bird
seeking shelter in the hedgerow - alone but undeterred. It sings its song so softly yet that’s all that can be heard
on this, the morning after, when my lips no more do tell of dreams from which I’ve woken for time has rung its bell.
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Post by Brigid Briton on May 26, 2014 11:34:47 GMT -6
Hi John,
It's good to see you again. There's a certain mystery to this that I like--whether the dreams are real night-time dreams, or the dream of a past love whose secrets you choose to keep. The picture itself is mysterious. It took me a while to determine it was actually curtains billowing in with morning light pouring through.
From a technical standpoint your second verse stands out for not rhyming. In the other verses, lines two and four rhyme. You may want to re-work this a bit for consistency's sake. You may want to move your "bird" from the second to the third verse and find a rhyme for "impaired" (or not).
The scene described is peaceful but enigmatic, the way we sometimes feel upon first waking--I enjoyed it.
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Post by Fire Monkey on Jun 4, 2014 23:25:14 GMT -6
I enjoyed the flow of the words - the rhythm adds nicely to the feel which the images themselves create. It has a peaceful feel yet it also has a bit of a wistfulness to it.
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Post by Reilley on Jun 12, 2014 7:11:47 GMT -6
I tripped over the "impaired" soft rhyme as well, but Brigid already point it out, so I'll just say that the rhythm works well and your point is well made. This just needs a bit of polish.
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