John Walton
Junior Member
Please check out my Blog - mylifemywordsmypoetry.blogspot.com
Posts: 78
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Post by John Walton on May 24, 2014 2:27:55 GMT -6
It's my birthday, don't you know And I want everybody told I'm eighty years young today Not eighty years old. Oh, surely I'm not eighty?! I'm convinced I'm just a lad. I'm thinking of the times to come And not the times I've had. Though my body may be weary And my eyesight fading fast I am looking to the future Not dwelling in the past. But to blow out all the candles That decorate my cake I'd need to draw a deep, deep breath Of that make no mistake. For fear that breath might be my last, When I've made my wish, I will let my children's children, With cheeks puffed out like fish, Huff and puff till one by one They blow the damn things out! While I sit back and wonder What the fuss is all about. I may be getting on a bit, My best years in the past, But that is why I live each day As if it were my last. For one day soon it might be - Of that I have no doubt And it's an innings to be proud of To be eighty and not out!
(Psst! I'm not really 80! This was written for my Dad just before his 80th birthday.)
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Post by Brigid Briton on May 26, 2014 11:47:29 GMT -6
Hi John,
I'm sure your dad enjoyed this tribute. It's peppy and quite cute. I notice there's a typo in the last verse. I'm sure you meant "inning" not "innings". That was sort of a neat baseball allusion but, it, pardon the expression, came in from left field since it's the only reference to baseball in the whole piece.
If you were ever to want to rework this, it might be entertaining to see how many more baseball allusions you could work in...just a thought.
Wish your dad a Happy Birthday from me.
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Post by Fire Monkey on Jun 4, 2014 23:31:44 GMT -6
I like the thoughts this contains - a lot of good bits to be sure. I did find the rhythm to be a bit hard to find though - you should do a reading of it [you can get an account on Audioboo if you want and post recordings and that way you can show us how it should sound read - I find sometimes that is a good thing]
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Post by Reilley on Jun 12, 2014 7:14:57 GMT -6
I liked this. My only nit to pick is the enjambment of the children'a children line threw the rhythm off for me. Minor stuff.
I can see how a reading of this could bring laughs in a room.
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