back to bed tanka

[saore]

back to bed

after I piss...my crow legs

swollen

in a preamble

to the dawn's early lie

[Brigid Briton]

Hi Sergio,

An interesting poem. I'd call it a five line poem, not a tanka. I like the idea of crow legs, and swollen crow legs is even more interesting. I like the phrase "dawn's early lie" but am having trouble fathoming the meaning.

It's good seeing you here again.

[saore]

thank you Brigid:


this is the original, I just thought I'd make it a little more subtle:


back to bed

after I piss... my crow legs

are swollen

how embarrassing is sex

when it goes wrong

[Brigid Briton]

Whoa, Sergio. Sharing your original version only served to further muddy the waters for me. Shows you how out-of-touch I am with early morning male activities, especially with regard to sex. The important thing is that youunderstand what you're saying here, even if I don't have a clue.

Perhaps, if anyone else happens to be wandering around the empty halls here, they might weigh in and let us know whether they "got it" any better than I.

I feel old and dense!

[dustandwater]

Saore,

I definitely think your rewrite removed/obscured any of the sexuality in the original. "Morning's early lie" is a lovely piece of language, but I couldn't work out what it referred to (prior your clarification), and the same goes for "crow's legs"; I can't quite visualise it. That said, I think I prefer the rewrite, even with its ambiguity.

A tantalising write. Well done.

~D&W

[saore]

lol thank you Brigid.  D&W thank you for your input. By  crow legs, I mean rough looking. Yes, I kind of like the rewrite from the original too.  Thank you for your input.  I am still undecided which one to send out.

Sergio