Session 1: Gogyohka

[dustandwater]

Gogyoka is Japanese for 'five-line poem'. (五行歌)

Compared to other Japanese forms, the Gogyoka is quite new. It was pioneered in the 1950s by Japanese poet Enta Kusakabe who was trying to find an escape from the rules and constraints of existing forms.

He modelled the Gogyoka on the Tanka, another five-line form with very specific rules regarding line length and content. His new form left these rules behind and all that remained was the five line concept.

Because of the freedom of line length, Kusakabe realised that the Gogyoka wouldn't suffer from the same difficulties in translation as older Japanese forms, such as Haiku and Tanka, and so he was keen to spread his new form around the world.

In 1994 he established a Gogyoka society which now has around 4,000 members.

So, what makes five lines into a Gogyoka, then?

Instead of breaking lines after a certain length or number of syllables, Enta Kusakabe said that line break should occur as pauses and breaths would occur naturally. Therefore, each line tends to stand slightly alone within the poem, containing its own 'idea' or 'thought. Thus, while there is no written rule governing line length, they should be concise and crisp. It's as though the major theme is fragmented into five parts, but ultimately inseparable.

The content is also up to you. While the other popular Japanese forms (Haiku, Senryu, Tanka, etc.) have content limitations, such as seasonal references, love and such, this is not the case with Gogyohka.

Here's one of Enta Kusakabe's own Gogyokas:

What kind of
stained glass
have your
rose-coloured cheeks
passed through

(Enta Kusakabe)

Concerning line breaks, here you can see the second, fourth and fifth lines have very specific focuses within the overall theme. Meanwhile, the first and third provide an essential context, a kind of bed.

The general theme there is of course one of beauty or romance. However, I have seen Gogyohka about nature, about daily routine and even this interesting example, which seems to pop up all over the internet, from a second year primary student:

My younger sister
says
“I like everything about Nao”
Does she like his “intestines”, “bowels”
and “anus”?

(Onishi Maho)

Now, as promised, my own attempt:

My dreams
set upon me
in the night
and steal me
from reality.

So, what are you waiting for? Get out there and try it yourself. Feel free to post your attempts below or in the Haikuland section of the forum. Also, if there's anything you want to add, ask or discuss about Gogyohka, you can do it below.

[Brigid Briton]

Hi d&w,

Thanks so much for presenting us with this excellent explanation of gogyohka. I hope anyone who's been hesitant about attempting this form will see that it's relatively uncomplicated and give it a try.

How's this?

lizards basking
in slanting rays
of sunlight
drinking in
autumn pleasures



Brigid

[Reilley]

How about this one?

We are taught
basics of our craft
that we might grow
into surpassing them
thus creating Art.

[dustandwater]

Hi.

It's great to see early responses to this.

Brigid, your Gogyohka is fantastic; I think you've chosen your line breaks perfectly and the theme is very concise and very descriptive.

Reilley, such a different theme. That's one of the great things about Gogyohka. I feel like there's an extra phase it there; I struggle a bit around the middle. I'd go with:

We are taught
the basics
of our craft
that we might grow
and surpass them

but others may well disagree. What do you think?

Thanks a lot for joining in!

-D&W

[heatherwordbender]

I find myself somehow betwixt and between on all the Japanese forms. Enjoy reading them, but may hold back a smidge from writing and commenting while I ponder it as my style for each is somewhat off the beaten track.

I do enjoy reading yours though. And see what D&W means about the (my words) brevity of thought in that alteration...


Love the lizardy one. Feels perfect.

[diannet]

A star fell to earth
disappearing at the horizon
re-entering our realm
taking their place
reborn

[dustandwater]

diannet, well done for joining in.

I absoultely love this 5-line poem. I'm not sure it quite makes it as a Gogyohka, though. It seems a little too disjointed. Each line, while capable of expressing an idea by itself, should at the same time run on with the others.

You can see that the others before, including the examples in the original tutorial post, could essentially be placed on a single line and exist as a sentence.

The magic of the Gogyohka is breaking this sentence up into a sequence of poetic phases, each of which has its own quality but also is a part of the greater whole.

I'm struggling a little with the reshuffle though, as I'm not quite sure what some of the references are. First of all, who or what is the 'they' of "their"? Is the poem suggesting that a certain person is a star that has fallen from the sky?

If so, I'd change "their" to 'his' or 'her' or "star" to stars if it's not about a single person.

On the other hand, "reentering" suggests that the star was once in "our realm" but left and is now return to take its own place. Then, I would change "their" to 'its' or again, make "star" plural.

Working with the latter:

A star falls
disappearing
on the horizon
to take it's place,
reborn.

The comma necessary to allow "reborn" at the end still troubles me as Japanese forms are often devoid of punctuation. That's not a fast rule, however.

What do you think? Does this still achieve the same purpose you intended?

What do others think?

-D&W

[diannet]

I wasn't sure how to write this one D&W, and it was a struggle to get it into form. I agree it is disjointed for a gogyohka and I was trying to get it to fit.

My idea was that the falling star was a soul being reborn back into this world. So looking at the star as a soul/person "their place" seems to fit, I don't know what others would think but leaving it out, I think changes that view. It was an idea that I really wanted to convey, so perhaps I may have to look at it in another form... Still if you can work it in I would be interested to see how you'd write it...

[Brigid Briton]

Hi Dianne,

When I first read this I was confused about the disagreement between noun "star" and the adjective "their", the first being singular, the second plural. I've read your explanation that you intended the star to represent a person/soul, but I still don't understand why the word would be plural, since a person/soul tend to be inseparable on this plane. If the star and the person/soul are all one and the same, then the adjective should still be in the singular.

How about:

a star falls
disappearing
at the horizon
a soul reborn
in our realm

or:

stars fall
disappearing
at the horizon
souls reborn
in our realm

[heatherwordbender]

I hatched that thought differently...

With the addition of an "and" and verb agreement...would it not do?

A star fell to earth
disappeared at the horizon and
re-entered our realm
taking its place
reborn

just trying to fit it to the form...erm...


**or his place or a place...a nice suggestive pronoun...

[diannet]

Thankyou all...I think Brigid your first one fits, that says what I wanted. I couldn't say stars...I am being pernickety...I only saw one falling the night I wrote this... It's amazing, sticking to a form, and keeping your writing tight, is really quite hard, but when it's finished it reads so easily as if it was just that easy to write.

[swelvis30]

Not really sure if this fits the form, but I thought I would give it a shot.


As the night descends
Interruptions heed a distant call
Rising up from a misty fog
Lofty dreams shift gears
Escorting away peaceful sleep

[heatherwordbender]

Crystalline sky
Milky Way with arms outstretched
Tree frogs in violent discourse
New moon looms
invisible


...still not entirely comfortable with this style, oddly enough, as I love short forms. I've enjoyed all of yours.

[dustandwater]

Swelvis30 and heatherwordbender, it's great to see you participating. Both pieces are excellent.

[dustandwater]

swelvis30,

I really like the sentiment behind yours and it achieves a great depth. As for the structure, I feel that the third and fifth lines are each more than a single phase or 'breath'. I feel a break in line three as:

rising up
from a misty frog

and in line 5 as:

escorting away
peaceful sleep

Of course, this would make it more than 5 lines long. I've given some thought to a suggested rewrite; I think I've maintained the essense of the poem but tell me what you think:

As night descends
a distant call rises
and lofty dreams shift gears
driving peaceful sleep
away

-D&W

[dustandwater]

heatherwordbender,

I enjoyed the nature focus of your piece; it adds an extra Japanese flair to the piece.

Overall, the image is very well conveyed and there is a nice cohesion. It feels a little disjointed though, as a Gogyohka. The message is very clear, there is no difficulty in understanding and it makes an excellent short poem. However, for a Gogyohka, there should be enjambment from line to line.

This could be done with some connecting words but that might make it a little repetitive or else unnecessarily wordy. Ultimately, I think you might need to cut down the number of separate images used. Maybe:

tree frogs
in violent discourse
under crystalline sky
as new moon looms
invisible

What do you think?

-D&W

[dustandwater]

I'm really happy to see the turn-out for this first week of Form Focus.

There were some excellent responses and some great interaction between poets.

I was impressed with heatherwordbender's advice and rewrite on diannet's Gogyohka, I think she did a great job of adapting the original to the form.

It's still not too late to join in here but, for those of you who already have or whose tastes might be a little different, a new form is on its way.

Thanks again for all the great responses!

-D&W

[swelvis30]

I think that sounds much better, at least I can stop and take a breathe this way. Thanks for the input, I think it helped a lot!

[swelvis30]

This last reply was meant for dustandwater

[heatherwordbender]

Apologies for the late response. I -again- missed the second page...

As to your adjustment...that works better as gogyohka. I'm unsure whether I wish to leave out how very clearly visible everything was though...it was the new 'super' moon...and the sky so clear that the various arms of the milky way were clearly visible, making it a perfect night for seeing the invisible moon. Possibly the frogs could be got rid of... lol.