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Post by dustandwater on Sept 29, 2011 22:04:05 GMT -6
Swelvis30,
I'm really glad you found the feedback helpful. Perhaps we'll see more Gogyohka from you in the future, over in Haikuland?
Heather,
I completely understand that you want to capture the night in all its brilliance and you certainly did an excellent job of that in your original. I still think it was a little overreaching for a gogyohkya though. I agree that it was the frogs that felt most out of place. How about:
crystalline sky shows Milky Way with arms outstretched as new moon looms invisible
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Post by heatherwordbender on Sept 29, 2011 23:05:11 GMT -6
Thanks again for your time and input. Hmmm...
crystalline sky spanned by the Milky Way its arms outstretched and the new moon looms invisible
This suits my ear more. But again...I am putting a haiku-like turning in it.
*modified
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Post by dustandwater on Sept 30, 2011 4:54:26 GMT -6
Yes, heatherwordbender, that does have the feel more of an extended haiku with its juxtaposition between two phases rather than a Gogyohka.
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Post by heatherwordbender on Sept 30, 2011 6:52:49 GMT -6
Perhaps I am slowly getting a handle on the appropriate context for these. I've added a connector so that the moon portion of the programming is not so abruptly contrasted, but reads as part of one ironic statement. Ooof.
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Post by dustandwater on Sept 30, 2011 11:47:05 GMT -6
Yes! I think you're right, you have just cottoned on right there, and it didn't take a great lot, right?
I think 'as' would be better in the context you're presenting, but just by adding that conjunction in, you made a huge difference. Here is your Gogyohka badge, off you go to sew it onto your bag, or whatever it is people do!
Well done for getting that Gogyohka vibe and most of all, a gigantic well done for being so persistent and keeping on until you made it.
I've already seen you on the Villanelle board as well, so I really look forward to seeing you follow Form Focus.
-D&W
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Post by Brigid Briton on Dec 28, 2012 7:49:26 GMT -6
Hello everyone, Just a bit of end-of-year retrospective here. This was the first Form Focus, which happened to be on one of my favorite forms. Many thanks to D&W for his excellent work explaining the "gogy" and to all of you who participated. Perhaps others might like to give it a whirl?
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Post by eiken on Jan 2, 2013 10:06:49 GMT -6
Winter dusk bare branches toss in the sea squall and waves spit over the storm wall
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Post by dustandwater on Jan 4, 2013 9:01:37 GMT -6
Eiken, hi.
It's great to see a late comeback on here; the gogyohka was a particularly enjoyable week for me on Form Focus.
I like this; it creates a very clear image and it's easy to feel the atmosphere you're writing. You're very good at capturing those colossal feelings and emotions in few words - your work on the Haikuland board shows that time and again.
Here, there are a couple of things I'd look to work on.
The first is the more pertinent one, I think. That opening line 'Winter dusk' reads very much like a Haiku phase, being as it is grammatically separate from the rest of the poem; it creates a sort of extended Haiku in the end, rather than a Gogyohka. Perhaps, as a simple suggestion, you could simply add 'in Winter dusk' and then either keep that line where it is or else move it to the end. You might think of another solution entirely, though.
The second thing that calls for note is something that I often find difficult in Haiku, Gogyohka and many of the Japanese forms. An interesting thing about these forms is that they eschew the usual poetic devices. With that in mind, your (possibly accidental) rhyme (squall/wall) is somewhat out of place.
If you wrote it intentionally, then something to remember is that the traditionalists avoid things like rhyming, alliteration, assonance and such altogether. Even if it was accidental, the problem I find with rhyme in these forms is that it draws too much attention to the lines in question and makes the other, unrhymed lines take a back-seat.
Your use of 'waves spit' is rather a contentious one as personification is another of those poetic devices that are traditionally to be avoided but there is a fair bit of debate on the matter. Firstly, some of the great masters of Japanese form were known to use it and it is often difficult to weed out personification from our daily language in English (your use here is a prime example of this). A few of the current authorities on Haiku have weighed in on this and said that it is ok, especially in Western variations, so I think that since the Gogyohka is inherently freer than the other Japanese forms, it doesn't feel too slack to let it slide.
Considering that, perhaps you could change the third line to 'in the sea's rage', removing the rhyme and extending the anthropomorphism.
What do you think?
-D&W
Also, an interesting update for everybody: The term Gogyohka has now been trademarked by Enta Kusakabe. Following this, his one-time writing partner has created a new name, Gogyoshi, to become the generic/public term.
The king is dead. Long live the king.
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blackbird
Newbie
Is it enough to have the desire for greatness to be great?
Posts: 34
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Post by blackbird on Mar 17, 2014 14:52:13 GMT -6
My boy is inspiration given daily in loud exuberant doses...everything is an adventure
little brother runs in circles around and around a rocking chair that sits empty
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Post by Brigid Briton on Mar 17, 2014 22:23:33 GMT -6
Hi blackbird, This is an enjoyable gogyohka. I love that is could have different interpretations: the rocking chair is empty because Mom never gets the chance to rest anymore, or it could be an allusion to a missing grandmother. Or it could just be a plain old empty chair. I like a little mystery. Thanks so much for participating and for giving us such a charming poem.
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