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Post by dustandwater on Sept 19, 2011 23:52:43 GMT -6
Gogyoka is Japanese for 'five-line poem'. (五行歌) Compared to other Japanese forms, the Gogyoka is quite new. It was pioneered in the 1950s by Japanese poet Enta Kusakabe who was trying to find an escape from the rules and constraints of existing forms. He modelled the Gogyoka on the Tanka, another five-line form with very specific rules regarding line length and content. His new form left these rules behind and all that remained was the five line concept. Because of the freedom of line length, Kusakabe realised that the Gogyoka wouldn't suffer from the same difficulties in translation as older Japanese forms, such as Haiku and Tanka, and so he was keen to spread his new form around the world. In 1994 he established a Gogyoka society which now has around 4,000 members. So, what makes five lines into a Gogyoka, then? Instead of breaking lines after a certain length or number of syllables, Enta Kusakabe said that line break should occur as pauses and breaths would occur naturally. Therefore, each line tends to stand slightly alone within the poem, containing its own 'idea' or 'thought. Thus, while there is no written rule governing line length, they should be concise and crisp. It's as though the major theme is fragmented into five parts, but ultimately inseparable. The content is also up to you. While the other popular Japanese forms (Haiku, Senryu, Tanka, etc.) have content limitations, such as seasonal references, love and such, this is not the case with Gogyohka. Here's one of Enta Kusakabe's own Gogyokas: What kind of stained glass have your rose-coloured cheeks passed through (Enta Kusakabe) Concerning line breaks, here you can see the second, fourth and fifth lines have very specific focuses within the overall theme. Meanwhile, the first and third provide an essential context, a kind of bed. The general theme there is of course one of beauty or romance. However, I have seen Gogyohka about nature, about daily routine and even this interesting example, which seems to pop up all over the internet, from a second year primary student: My younger sister says “I like everything about Nao” Does she like his “intestines”, “bowels” and “anus”? (Onishi Maho) Now, as promised, my own attempt: My dreams set upon me in the night and steal me from reality. So, what are you waiting for? Get out there and try it yourself. Feel free to post your attempts below or in the Haikuland section of the forum. Also, if there's anything you want to add, ask or discuss about Gogyohka, you can do it below.
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Post by Brigid Briton on Sept 20, 2011 9:29:20 GMT -6
Hi d&w, Thanks so much for presenting us with this excellent explanation of gogyohka. I hope anyone who's been hesitant about attempting this form will see that it's relatively uncomplicated and give it a try. How's this? lizards basking in slanting rays of sunlight drinking in autumn pleasures Brigid
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Post by Reilley on Sept 20, 2011 9:55:17 GMT -6
How about this one?
We are taught basics of our craft that we might grow into surpassing them thus creating Art.
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Post by dustandwater on Sept 20, 2011 10:46:49 GMT -6
Hi.
It's great to see early responses to this.
Brigid, your Gogyohka is fantastic; I think you've chosen your line breaks perfectly and the theme is very concise and very descriptive.
Reilley, such a different theme. That's one of the great things about Gogyohka. I feel like there's an extra phase it there; I struggle a bit around the middle. I'd go with:
We are taught the basics of our craft that we might grow and surpass them
but others may well disagree. What do you think?
Thanks a lot for joining in!
-D&W
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Post by heatherwordbender on Sept 20, 2011 12:44:55 GMT -6
I find myself somehow betwixt and between on all the Japanese forms. Enjoy reading them, but may hold back a smidge from writing and commenting while I ponder it as my style for each is somewhat off the beaten track.
I do enjoy reading yours though. And see what D&W means about the (my words) brevity of thought in that alteration...
Love the lizardy one. Feels perfect.
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Post by diannet on Sept 22, 2011 19:57:49 GMT -6
A star fell to earth disappearing at the horizon re-entering our realm taking their place reborn
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Post by dustandwater on Sept 24, 2011 4:08:45 GMT -6
diannet, well done for joining in.
I absoultely love this 5-line poem. I'm not sure it quite makes it as a Gogyohka, though. It seems a little too disjointed. Each line, while capable of expressing an idea by itself, should at the same time run on with the others.
You can see that the others before, including the examples in the original tutorial post, could essentially be placed on a single line and exist as a sentence.
The magic of the Gogyohka is breaking this sentence up into a sequence of poetic phases, each of which has its own quality but also is a part of the greater whole.
I'm struggling a little with the reshuffle though, as I'm not quite sure what some of the references are. First of all, who or what is the 'they' of "their"? Is the poem suggesting that a certain person is a star that has fallen from the sky?
If so, I'd change "their" to 'his' or 'her' or "star" to stars if it's not about a single person.
On the other hand, "reentering" suggests that the star was once in "our realm" but left and is now return to take its own place. Then, I would change "their" to 'its' or again, make "star" plural.
Working with the latter:
A star falls disappearing on the horizon to take it's place, reborn.
The comma necessary to allow "reborn" at the end still troubles me as Japanese forms are often devoid of punctuation. That's not a fast rule, however.
What do you think? Does this still achieve the same purpose you intended?
What do others think?
-D&W
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Post by diannet on Sept 24, 2011 18:25:47 GMT -6
I wasn't sure how to write this one D&W, and it was a struggle to get it into form. I agree it is disjointed for a gogyohka and I was trying to get it to fit. My idea was that the falling star was a soul being reborn back into this world. So looking at the star as a soul/person "their place" seems to fit, I don't know what others would think but leaving it out, I think changes that view. It was an idea that I really wanted to convey, so perhaps I may have to look at it in another form... Still if you can work it in I would be interested to see how you'd write it...
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Post by Brigid Briton on Sept 24, 2011 18:50:51 GMT -6
Hi Dianne, When I first read this I was confused about the disagreement between noun "star" and the adjective "their", the first being singular, the second plural. I've read your explanation that you intended the star to represent a person/soul, but I still don't understand why the word would be plural, since a person/soul tend to be inseparable on this plane. If the star and the person/soul are all one and the same, then the adjective should still be in the singular. How about: a star falls disappearing at the horizon a soul reborn in our realm or: stars fall disappearing at the horizon souls reborn in our realm
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Post by heatherwordbender on Sept 24, 2011 20:14:22 GMT -6
I hatched that thought differently... With the addition of an "and" and verb agreement...would it not do? A star fell to earth disappeared at the horizon and re-entered our realm taking its place reborn just trying to fit it to the form...erm... **or his place or a place...a nice suggestive pronoun...
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Post by diannet on Sept 25, 2011 16:32:43 GMT -6
Thankyou all...I think Brigid your first one fits, that says what I wanted. I couldn't say stars...I am being pernickety...I only saw one falling the night I wrote this... It's amazing, sticking to a form, and keeping your writing tight, is really quite hard, but when it's finished it reads so easily as if it was just that easy to write.
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Post by swelvis30 on Sept 27, 2011 20:27:57 GMT -6
Not really sure if this fits the form, but I thought I would give it a shot.
As the night descends Interruptions heed a distant call Rising up from a misty fog Lofty dreams shift gears Escorting away peaceful sleep
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Post by heatherwordbender on Sept 27, 2011 20:53:14 GMT -6
Crystalline sky Milky Way with arms outstretched Tree frogs in violent discourse New moon looms invisible
...still not entirely comfortable with this style, oddly enough, as I love short forms. I've enjoyed all of yours.
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Post by dustandwater on Sept 28, 2011 2:35:36 GMT -6
Swelvis30 and heatherwordbender, it's great to see you participating. Both pieces are excellent.
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Post by dustandwater on Sept 28, 2011 2:38:11 GMT -6
swelvis30,
I really like the sentiment behind yours and it achieves a great depth. As for the structure, I feel that the third and fifth lines are each more than a single phase or 'breath'. I feel a break in line three as:
rising up from a misty frog
and in line 5 as:
escorting away peaceful sleep
Of course, this would make it more than 5 lines long. I've given some thought to a suggested rewrite; I think I've maintained the essense of the poem but tell me what you think:
As night descends a distant call rises and lofty dreams shift gears driving peaceful sleep away
-D&W
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Post by dustandwater on Sept 28, 2011 2:46:10 GMT -6
heatherwordbender,
I enjoyed the nature focus of your piece; it adds an extra Japanese flair to the piece.
Overall, the image is very well conveyed and there is a nice cohesion. It feels a little disjointed though, as a Gogyohka. The message is very clear, there is no difficulty in understanding and it makes an excellent short poem. However, for a Gogyohka, there should be enjambment from line to line.
This could be done with some connecting words but that might make it a little repetitive or else unnecessarily wordy. Ultimately, I think you might need to cut down the number of separate images used. Maybe:
tree frogs in violent discourse under crystalline sky as new moon looms invisible
What do you think?
-D&W
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Post by dustandwater on Sept 28, 2011 2:50:03 GMT -6
I'm really happy to see the turn-out for this first week of Form Focus.
There were some excellent responses and some great interaction between poets.
I was impressed with heatherwordbender's advice and rewrite on diannet's Gogyohka, I think she did a great job of adapting the original to the form.
It's still not too late to join in here but, for those of you who already have or whose tastes might be a little different, a new form is on its way.
Thanks again for all the great responses!
-D&W
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Post by swelvis30 on Sept 29, 2011 12:46:35 GMT -6
I think that sounds much better, at least I can stop and take a breathe this way. Thanks for the input, I think it helped a lot!
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Post by swelvis30 on Sept 29, 2011 12:49:22 GMT -6
This last reply was meant for dustandwater
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Post by heatherwordbender on Sept 29, 2011 12:54:47 GMT -6
Apologies for the late response. I -again- missed the second page... As to your adjustment...that works better as gogyohka. I'm unsure whether I wish to leave out how very clearly visible everything was though...it was the new 'super' moon...and the sky so clear that the various arms of the milky way were clearly visible, making it a perfect night for seeing the invisible moon. Possibly the frogs could be got rid of... lol.
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