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Post by Brigid Briton on Dec 6, 2011 19:21:34 GMT -6
Hi Rachael, Yes, I thought it was very interesting that Dianne's reaction was just the opposite of mine. I guess the difference is that I regard haiku as capturing a moment in time. Even the word "darkens" implies the passage of time. I, too, actually prefer your first version, however, more as free verse than haiku. No matter, it's still lovely.
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Post by Brigid Briton on Dec 6, 2011 14:36:12 GMT -6
Hi Rachael, I like it---very evocative of a quite evening. I much prefer the second version. In haiku, you can usually dispense with the articles, which would make this even leaner: sky darkens street lamp glows nightfall
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Post by Brigid Briton on Dec 4, 2011 7:20:23 GMT -6
Hi Tim and eiken, Thanks so much for your comments!
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Post by Brigid Briton on Dec 3, 2011 16:02:04 GMT -6
Wow! Dianne, this is awesome. It's a bit mysterious from beginning to end. Such as, is this happening as someone is taking a break from a wedding reception? Is she going out to make a conquest at the party? Or, did she decide at the last minute to elope with her girlfriend?( I wonder about the two pieces of silk and lace.) The last line "prisoners had escaped" really reminded me of Thelma and Louise sailing out into the Grand Canyon, holding hands. Nice job.
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Post by Brigid Briton on Dec 3, 2011 15:56:56 GMT -6
Hi Rachael and Dianne, Thanks so much for your comments and for letting me know that not everyone has gone!
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Post by Brigid Briton on Dec 3, 2011 13:43:59 GMT -6
Everyone’s gone
leaving me alone
contemplating the things that take people away
like jobs and travel and family and shopping for the perfect gift and going to market for beer and cat food
or hunkering down drinking the beer feeding the cats or taking a bath dreaming big dreams or not
leaving me alone
contemplating the things that take people away.
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Post by Brigid Briton on Dec 2, 2011 7:22:36 GMT -6
Hi Rachael, This is an entertaining progression of thought as we follow you to the haiku society meeting. I especially enjoyed the latter two since they reflect what many of us experience. I'm getting to the point where I avoid mirrors in public places (especially those under fluorescent lights!) I think haibun is an interesting form, allowing us to more clearly elucidate on any given subject. I would love to see more of your free-standing haiku (or senryu) here. I'm especially fond of haiku as a form since it's taught me how to capture a moment in a very few words, which can carry over into other forms of writing. Anyway, keep up the good work! It's a pleasure having you here on the forum.
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Post by Brigid Briton on Dec 1, 2011 6:14:50 GMT -6
Hi Dianne, Well, you've scored another direct hit with this graphic beauty. I can really see them. Poor crows! Also, it's a great play on the phrase "blackhawk down". For some reason, perhaps because I've always heard "mayday" said twice in quick succession, I'd really like to see it repeated. A gogyohka would be the ideal form for this: gale force winds converge throwing crows into tailspin mayday! mayday! black crows down In the interest of brevity, I might even go so far as to do this: gale force winds throw crows into tailspin mayday! mayday! black crows down Great work!
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Post by Brigid Briton on Nov 30, 2011 8:34:30 GMT -6
Wow, Dianne, another hard-hitting commentary. Great job. Perhaps you can tell your son he could write a letter to a member of your parliament or member of your local council. Sometimes the voices of children actually carry more weight than those of adults. The sad state of the world, especially politics, has been much on my mind lately. We are starting to see here in the U.S. that individuals can make a difference---occupying Wall Street and every place else, mounting re-call elections against state governors who go against the will and interest of the people, and supporting those few members of Congress (in this country) who cannot be bought by corporations. For any of you who might be interested, there's a movement called "Get the Money Out" which aims to ban corporations or wealthy individuals from buying the legislation that benefits them. Here's the link: www.getmoneyout.com/You and Greg are really cutting to the core of the matter with your latest works, describing greed of all sorts. Thanks for this!
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Post by Brigid Briton on Nov 30, 2011 3:37:26 GMT -6
Hi Greg, I enjoyed this. I'm glad you decided to get back to what's really important and take some time out from your shopping activities to write a poem about the "season". Shouldn't this be listed in the rhyming poetry section?
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Post by Brigid Briton on Nov 29, 2011 8:45:28 GMT -6
Hi eiken, Well, I think the main spot that could use a bit of revision is the third stanza. The events seems a bit out of order to me: "His mother is waiting, ready to receive him. I saw her garden in a dream, roses still scale the walls. She held a pink carnation to welcome him home". I think something along the lines of: "I saw his mother in a dream, holding a pink carnation, waiting to welcome him home, in her garden where roses still scale the walls." I also don't quite get the stars trembling an ebony sky. (I could understand how they might seem to tremble in an ebony sky.) The stars are so close-by, I reach out to touch them. They tremble an ebony sky, quiver above the tree tops. The heavens, icy still, this bright Winter night. I think I might be inclined to say something more like: "The stars are so close-by, I reach out to touch them. In an ebony sky, they seem to quiver above the tree tops.. The heavens, icy still, this bright Winter night." The use of both tremble and quiver seems a bit repetitious, unless you actually meant that the stars were somehow causing the sky to tremble, which I suspect may be your intent. If that is, in fact, the case, then something like: "Above the tree tops, they tremble an ebony sky" which still doesn't feel quite right to me grammatically, but would at least eliminate the repetitious verbs. Considering the immediacy of this poem and the fact that it's so close to your heart, I think you did a remarkable job.
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Post by Brigid Briton on Nov 29, 2011 5:52:29 GMT -6
Hi eiken,
This is lovely. I really love the line "The stars are so close-by" beginning and ending the piece. While I do think there are a couple of areas you might tweak, I know what you mean about having to get this one out of your head and down on paper (even cyber-paper).
My thoughts are with you, your dad, and the rest of your family. The image of your grandmother holding a pink carnation to welcome your dad "home" is very comforting---even to me. I'm so happy you were given the gift of this dream. Thanks so much for sharing it with all of us.
Brigid
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Post by Brigid Briton on Nov 28, 2011 10:11:26 GMT -6
Hi "time", Your intent on that line was clear to me.
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waves
Nov 28, 2011 8:32:08 GMT -6
Post by Brigid Briton on Nov 28, 2011 8:32:08 GMT -6
Hi eiken, And who can blame them for digging deeper, when their very lives depend on it? This is a great snapshot of a winter beach scene. We call our cockles "clams" here in the U.S. Of course, I'm reminded of this: Mary, Mary, quite contrary, How does your garden grow? With silver bells, and cockle shells, And pretty maids all in a row.
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Post by Brigid Briton on Nov 28, 2011 8:25:59 GMT -6
Hi eiken, This is lovely but sad for all the hapless victims. I find your "spread out" alliteration: ("Silver threads span" "stun them to submission" and "world is woven") quite charming and commend you for stepping out side of the "one word after the other" type of alliteration. I'm wondering if your title indicates that I'm misinterpreting this. I, of course, assumed you were talking about spider webs at first. But, "Winter Weaves" seems to indicate that this is some phenomenon caused by frost and snow. Or, is it the combination of spider webs, frost and snow? In any case, if there are spiders involved in this, it seems they should get at least some sort of nod in the title. (Such as "Winter Webs") Whatever the case, this is quite beautiful.
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Post by Brigid Briton on Nov 28, 2011 8:10:56 GMT -6
Hiya eiken, Good to see you back here. I miss you when you're away. A "parliament" of owls is, like a "murder" of crows, the official name for a group of owls. Wish I had coined it, but I didn't. When we first moved to this house, eight years ago, we had a pair of barn owls that nested in a palm tree in the neighbor's yard. At night they would swoop low over the back yard and scare us---it's quite spooky because they fly so silently---like stealth bombers or something---and we were afraid they would get the cats. I talked to a naturalist at one of our local state parks and found out that it was probably quite unlikely that they would do so. (A tiny kitten might have been another story). They nested there for two years and then moved on. I haven't seen them since. However, hawks are quite common around here, which is only fitting since I live on Hawk Circle! A few days ago, I saw a squirrel on a branch in the tree across the street, running up and attacking what I thought at first was another squirrel. When I got a better look, it turned out to be a hawk, at least as big as the squirrel. The hawk kept trying to maneuver to get behind the squirrel, but the squirrel was having none of that and just kept attacking the hawk. I don't know how it would have ended because I went running out of the house, across the street, and, as soon as the hawk saw me, it took off. I suspect the squirrel might have had babies somewhere nearby, but, still, I thought it quite unusual to see the prey going after the predator with such a passion. Sorry to hijack your thread.
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Post by Brigid Briton on Nov 28, 2011 4:05:05 GMT -6
Hi Dianne & Greg, Thanks so much for your comments. Greg, you are right, of course, about "unimpressed" being nearly synonymous with "cat". However, I have noticed them stepping outside of their indifferent mode when it's a bird or lizard on the outside of the window, rather than one of their feline compatriots. It's really funny the way they chatter plaintively, as if begging their would-be victims to re-materialize inside.
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Post by Brigid Briton on Nov 28, 2011 3:59:04 GMT -6
Hi Greg, This one is, as they say in the Mastercard commercials, priceless! Great job.
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Post by Brigid Briton on Nov 28, 2011 3:57:09 GMT -6
Hiya Greg, Thanks so much for your comment. I agree with you, this is better written in the first person singular. Your question about the nature of the openings and undoings will have to go unanswered, I'm afraid. Not because I don't want to tell you, rather that I really don't know the answer myself. (BTW the "out of our minds" was not meant in the way you think, i.e., "nuts", but in a more transcendental way). I appreciate your insight! Brigid
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Post by Brigid Briton on Nov 26, 2011 7:47:48 GMT -6
cat outside rubs herself on window cat on sill safe inside is unimpressed
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