|
Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 22, 2011 8:48:43 GMT -6
Hi eiken,
Sorry it took me so long to get to this. Other duties called...
This is another wonderful write, capturing so many different emotions: comfort, security, love, rejection, pain, fear, tolerance, acceptance and, back to love. Great job letting us see the woman your mother once was.
I hope that your weekend is going well (as well as may be expected) and that you can keep on remembering that pink lipstick and your matching polka dot dresses as you deal with your mother's current situation.
All the best to all of you, my friend.
Brigid
|
|
|
Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 22, 2011 8:39:35 GMT -6
Hi Dianne, Good one! Just in time for Halloween! For me, this piece screamed out for some breaks. Something like: Vampires Follically challenged pale face creatures With orthodontic problems I am disappointed And excuse the pun but you... suck Who took away your undead soul? Oh I remember that full moon Looming just above dark forests Menacing winds hissing through trees The thunder of horse’s hooves with the rattle of a carriage Along a desolate road, Slow... wild...manes billowing high Ooow oooooow of an owl A nervous passenger staring out the window Regretting his decision to travel on this night With the bats screaming overhead Feeling the cold ice of your presence Yet still hoping...it was only his imagination At the crossroads, the coach stops The door creaks open...and no one is there “Out,” the driver says, deep and controlled. “We travel no further this night...another carriage will come at daylight.” The passenger protests in vain, as some long extended arm pushes him out the door and he falls to the ground. The carriage takes off...silently this time and disappears into the night. A lone wolf calls, as the winds rise He shivers, cowering against the night And then...from nowhere... you emerge with a hiss... Now you’re just as likely to be standing at the cosmetic counter of a department store trying out new hair products Consulting a plastic surgeon for the latest chiselled look Wearing Armani suits and having dental surgery And god forbid acting like a spoilt rich celebrity I bet you even have a gym membership What happened??? Marketing? Like everything...stick into a slick sexy package And give it a one word label Twilight Oh dear... Well...goodbye you vile creature of the night No longer do the wolves make sweet music And if you don’t mind, my carriage awaits I doubt there’ll be anything to worry about this night. I do think your title is a bit off, since it's not the lament of a vampire, but rather your lament about the loss of a good vampire (A good vamp is hard to find?) Something like "A Maiden's Lament" or "Whatever Happened to Bela Lugosi?" might be more appropriate. (If you feel compelled to keep your title, there should be an apostrophe after "Vampire".) Other than that, quite enjoyable. I've been following the discussion about vampires losing their "fear-factor" and Lestat being blamed for that. I didn't read the book "Interview With a Vampire" by Ann Rice, but I did see the movie. I don't know how Lestat was in the book, but, for me, there could hardly be anything more terrifying than Tom Cruise with blonde hair!
|
|
|
Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 22, 2011 8:21:49 GMT -6
Greetings all! What a great discussion. Very informative and entertaining. I applaud all of you for your great sonnets (or near-sonnets, as the case may be). I've thought and thought on this and have found that, after the Villanelle and Rondo exercises, I'm all rhymed out, so I won't be attempting this particular form right now. However, I wish to again publicly applaud dustandwater for the stellar job he's doing, bringing us a new form of poetry each week, plus taking the time to do in-depth analysis and critique of all our work. I also applaud all you participants. You almost make me have "rhyme envy"! Awesomeness going on here!
|
|
|
Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 22, 2011 8:15:25 GMT -6
Hiya Heather, Very cute! I must admit, I had never heard the term "earworm" before so I had to Google it. Now that I know it means a scrap of music that goes round and round in one's mind, I can really relate. "These Are A Few of My Favorite Things" must have run through my mind about a zillion times over the last ten years or so. I'm not quite getting the last stanza though. If it's a scrap of song or a tune that's going round and round, how would that effect what your friends think you would say? Or, are you saying that this particular "earworm" is an obsessive thought that your tend to express out loud? Other than that little question, I thought this quite charming (and oh-so-true!)
|
|
|
Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 22, 2011 8:02:03 GMT -6
Hi Rob,
First, let me say welcome to our forum. It's always great to see new, enthusiastic people show up here. Congratulations on commenting on another person's poem before posting your own---many of our newbies forget to do so in their desire to get their own work out there for all to see.
Now, about your poem. I think it's a very heartfelt expression of the excitement of new love. However, I think you're attempting to get every possible good thing about this person into one work and that it's a bit of overload for the reader. For me, the beauty of poetry is in subtlety---letting the reader draw his or her own conclusions rather than overwhelming the reader with statement after statement. It's very clear that you are a romantic, but it's important to let us feel what is really different about this love---from all the other love poems written. While this poem may be thrilling to the one you wrote it about, especially if she shares your passion, for those of us outside of your very personal "world of two", there really isn't much here that we haven't heard many times before.
Which brings me to the subject of clichés. In poetry, much more so than in daily conversation, it's important to avoid using clichés---those phrases that we all use frequently. Even though these phrases often sum up a situation or a person in a sort of shorthand, they don't tell us what that situation or person was really like. Unfortunately, "A breath of fresh air" is one of the most frequently used clichés. What poetry asks you to do is to go beyond the cliché and let us see your love and your lover in detail, not by describing each quality minutely, but by offering us insight into what makes her so special.
I'm not trying to diminish what you feel for this person in any way. What you've written certainly conveys that you're enamored with her. However, what I am trying to do is get you to think about her in new ways, with phrases we don't see all the time---words that will touch our own hearts rather than phrases that we've heard many, many times before, which have been depleted of real meaning by their over-use.
Another couple of suggestions: be careful of redundant terms such as "mutual coexistence" and rhymes that don't make the best use of language, such as:
"Everything more and nothing less, I’m yours, even in distress"
and
"The storms shall pass and rain may fall Who knows the future, I surely don’t The one thing I know, is without you my life will stall"
Rhyming poetry can be beautiful and expressive, however, when it seems that the rhyme takes precedent over precise meaning, for me, it falls short.
I know that this can feel like a harsh critique, especially for a debut effort. However, this forum is about helping each other become better poets. The point is not to showcase our work, but rather to share it, as well as sharing our feelings and expertise, so that all of us may improve our writing. My opinions are just that---opinions---that carry no more weight than anyone else's. You have already gotten some good suggestions and positive feedback from others, and to that I will (finally) add my own. This is sweet and sincere and it does get your message across. No one will walk away from this poem scratching their head---musing about its meaning. I also admire the amount of thought and work you put into this poem. It is clear that you have the soul of a poet, which, when not being totally painful, can be a really wonderful thing.
I hope you will take this critique as it is intended---to help you grow in your work and to help you utilize that poetic soul for more unique expression.
I'm happy that you're here on the forum and I hope you'll continue writing and interacting with us. We need all the romantics we can get here!
Brigid
|
|
|
Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 22, 2011 6:44:51 GMT -6
Hi Dianne, I love the way you handled a very serious topic with irony and humor. A fun poem with a not-so-subtle bite. Good job! P.S. I guess those creativity vampires must have sucked all the imagination out of me since I don't see a robot head anywhere on on page! I studied the form of the poem...but, I still don't see it.
|
|
|
Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 20, 2011 7:55:18 GMT -6
Hiya Reilley, Hmm, very interesting, I am female and I don't find anything especially alien or unusual about this piece. While it wouldn't be my ideal romantic interlude (stickball as a soundtrack?), (shouting and roaring? sort of reminds me of a lion tamer and lion) I don't find it off-putting (except for the use of the phrase "to seal over prior scars". All scars are prior as they are already sealed over. I think perhaps you were referring to "wounds" rather than scars). While "The Wine Within the Blood" is a very interesting title, it conjures up Jesus and communion for me. (I guess that would actually be "blood with the wine"). Also, your last verse brought to mind all of the sex-crazed teenage vampires so popular of late). Other than these distractions, I think this is one of your most honest pieces to date. I applaud you for not rhyming!
|
|
|
Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 19, 2011 9:46:17 GMT -6
Hi Dianne, I couldn't make your link work, but I found the bird by using its scientific name from the link. What a regal, yet sassy-looking fellow. Reminds me of our Great Kiskadee here in South Texas, who has a bright yellow breast and a black mask. Thanks for enlightening us.
|
|
|
Sword
Oct 19, 2011 9:43:54 GMT -6
Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 19, 2011 9:43:54 GMT -6
Hi Shan, After reading Dianne's comment, I realized that this entire piece is probably addressed to the person with the eyes. My comment above was based upon my thinking that your first two lines were describing a sword held in your own hands (or swords in general). If, in fact, the entire piece was addressed to the "eyes" person, then, of course, I get the sword metaphor. Still a sword, in and of itself, tends not to be a malicious thing, but I'm often scolded for being too literal in reading metaphors. So, take my first comment with a grain of salt. However, I am still interested in knowing whether you did intend to say "stray from the wrong path."
|
|
|
Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 18, 2011 11:28:00 GMT -6
Ah, "time", It's so lovely to see a sweet and sentimental love poem from you. I always (well, usually) enjoy your slice-of life gritty "snapshots" and this one is no exception. (You brought a big smile to my face with the image of the dog!) I can see why this is one of your favorites.
|
|
|
Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 18, 2011 11:21:47 GMT -6
Hiya Reilley, This poem grabbed me and propelled me along to the end. Overall, I'd say it's well-done, but it does seem to be a trifle long in getting to the point. For me, most rhyming poetry seems to be too light-hearted to support serious topics and I think that is the case here. Not everyone can be a Dylan Thomas and pull off grave (no pun intended) subject matter with rhyme that supports and enhances it. There's a minor nit that I noticed and that's "his heart drew grim". Did you mean "grew"? This story was almost like a mini-TV program, with a nicely developed story line and bitter-sweet ending. In spite of my prejudice against "rhymers", this is an admirable write.
|
|
|
Sword
Oct 18, 2011 10:56:52 GMT -6
Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 18, 2011 10:56:52 GMT -6
Hi Shan, This is an interesting way of writing about a controlling relationship. I'm rather curious about your use of "the wrong path"...was that intentional? Did you mean that this person is leading you down the wrong path and then gets controlling when you attempt to find the "right" path? I usually think of straying from "the" path as being the misstep, not straying from the wrong path. I'm not quite getting the sword metaphor. Yes, a sword can be reassuring and protective, but it doesn't possess the ability to cut without being directed into doing so by the person holding it. The other person in this piece clearly possesses the ability to cut by his/her own volition. I think this disparity could be addressed with something like: Like a sword, you're reassuring and protective until I stray from the path determined by you. Then, the look in your eyes makes me bleed. As usual, these are only suggestions for your consideration. I must say that this piece made me want to steer clear of your sword-like companion!
|
|
|
Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 18, 2011 10:36:36 GMT -6
Hi Dianne, Great job here! This is one of those rare poems that leaves me wanting to know more. You transported me into that scene and I wish I knew exactly who it was I would have encountered there. I'm not saying that I really need that information, only that this left me with a pleasant pondering.
|
|
|
Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 18, 2011 10:32:04 GMT -6
Hi Deb, Another very sweet love poem. I like the image of the flame fighting to stay alive, a great metaphor for passion. I especially enjoyed your spoken word version of this. What a lovely voice. Watch out, or I'll be asking you to read "Do Not Go Gentle" for us!
|
|
|
Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 18, 2011 10:23:47 GMT -6
Hiya Dianne, I'd say this is close enough to a gogyohka for me, although personally I do prefer fewer words. I toyed around with how to make this more spare and still retain the meaning and feeling and I think it's quite possible to do. However, I think it's fine as is, and, as someone recently pointed out, it's not necessary for me to turn every poet here into a clone of myself (as if I could!) I'm curious about the "fig tree bird". I couldn't find that as an actual bird name, so I'm guessing this is a bird that likes to hang out in the fig trees. I think "The Fig Tree Bird" is a great title and it reminds me of a title for one of Aesop's fables or something from Hans Christian Andersen . Still, I want to know what sort of bird it really is, if you know.
|
|
|
Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 15, 2011 5:03:39 GMT -6
Wow, d&w,
You've really got a great discussion going on here! I thought I'd try another:
bitter winter wind like the voice of a stranger mentioning your name
our summer pleasures buried beneath a blanket of snow
|
|
|
Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 14, 2011 19:58:47 GMT -6
Hi Heather, If I understand the form correctly, the distance between the two people should be expressed within the tanka, rather than just implied. I think that is the whole point of this form. Your poem is written in the present tense, without any word to indicate the separation, and I doubt than anyone would understand that the two lovers are separated. That doesn't make it a bad poem, or even a bad tanka, with the modern expansion of the form---it just isn't a traditional tanka. I happen to like what you wrote very much so I wouldn't worry about trying to make it "fit," however, I would like to see you take another stab at it, with a brand new tanka, incorporating the traditional elements. I bet you could do a bang-up job.
|
|
|
Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 14, 2011 12:09:08 GMT -6
Hi Reilley, What an interesting story about this, that you came up with the title and then wrote a poem to go with it. It's a strong statement about pain, the kind that keeps you up at night---I can identify. Since this is already published, you undoubtedly won't be making changes, however I noticed one inconsistency and one grammatical error, which I'll point out anyway. The inconsistency is that you're talking about things that are "yours"---like the sky that that surrounds you and the phantoms that play in "your" hair and voices speaking to "your" blood. Yet you say "what are we to do with the phantoms?" While I suppose it's possible that you're trying to enlist the help of someone else to rid you of these phenomena, to me it seems much more logical that you would say "what am I to do..." The grammatical error is the use of "badly" instead of "bad". The first would be used to modify an action verb, such as "she sings badly" and the second is used when describing a state of being, which is, in this case "hurt", so the correct phrase would be "how bad it hurt". This is a tricky distinction, but "badly" does stand out here as being incorrect. Here is a link which goes into this in some detail about the use of bad/badly: www.getitwriteonline.com/archive/010101BadBadly.htmI think "Grief Tattoo" is an awesome title and I do like the depth of pain expressed here---overall a great write. Brigid
|
|
|
Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 14, 2011 6:04:57 GMT -6
Great, Dianne! I'll be looking forward to your rendition!
|
|
|
Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 14, 2011 6:03:31 GMT -6
Hi Dianne, I agree with the others that this is a great write. So alive and full of energy and humor. I must confess that I, too, thought "fringes" were long false eyelashes! My only nit is that I wonder why you placed a comma right in the middle of the poem, when you omitted using them on other lines. Perhaps putting "oh so close to you" all on one line would make it read a bit better. Other than that---awesome!
|
|