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Hello
Nov 3, 2011 22:13:52 GMT -6
Post by Brigid Briton on Nov 3, 2011 22:13:52 GMT -6
Hiya ss Welcome to the forum. This piece sounds like it was inspired by one of our poems here on the forum! It's cute. Dianne has already clued you in about commenting on the work of another before posting your own, but please also review the rest of our rules. We're happy you're here! Brigid
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Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 29, 2011 7:24:43 GMT -6
Hi Dianne, This is great, very dream-like. I do think this would be easier to read with periods in the proper places. Also, I'd prefer to see this "end" with a question mark rather than elipses. That, of course would also convey the "more to come" nature of the ending. For once, I don't feel that repeating "drowning" is a bob-boo. I think it works quite well in this context. I think that's an awesome point---going from fear to joyful acceptance. What a great metaphor. I'd also like to hear more.
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Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 28, 2011 10:52:24 GMT -6
Hi Heather, I really like the idea of November "dripping its way nearer". It's fun to impute all sorts of actions and motives to the seasons, makes the world seem more understandable. I also like the idea of you letting a cup of hot coffee become a spa. Great write!
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Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 28, 2011 9:27:48 GMT -6
eiken and Heather, Thanks so much for your comments. Heather, you are spot on. I'm going to reverse those lines right now!
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Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 28, 2011 9:26:44 GMT -6
Hi eiken, Very nice visual of the pesky magpies in one of their usual flaps! I'm not sure exactly what "maple morning" means. What it brought to my mind was the light brown maple candies in the shape of maple leaves that are made from maple syrup, which would conjure up an image of a very hazy or smoggy day. I'm getting the feeling, though, that you were looking a bunch of maple trees and they dominated your view. I'm not suggesting you change this, only want to point out how it leads one to different interpretations. I'm so happy to see you back haiku-ing!
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Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 28, 2011 0:04:42 GMT -6
Hiya "time", Good to see you back here. Yikes! This one is far too realistic for me! I'd much prefer to avoid facing the truth of your statements. Your comment about the "silly little black man in the white house" rather rankled, however I imagine that the one percent actually think of him in even harsher terms than that! The tone and pace of this reminded me of Tom Waits' "Step Right Up", although his was not political. www.oldielyrics.com/lyrics/tom_waits/step_right_up.htmlEnjoyed this in a masochistic way.
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Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 27, 2011 23:49:35 GMT -6
OK, I'm revisiting something I already revisited with this one:
When the last dew of morning clings no more, changed by magic, the canary sings no more.
Once like a sunbeam and lemon drop yellow, he’s blacker than tar, with bright wings no more.
He gave up his song for his love of the dark and the loss of his loveliness stings no more.
I would like to continue this little story, but my search for rhyme brings no more.
Finally, this poem has reached the last verse, as the voice of Poe's raven rings, "no more".*
*I changed this from "Brigid's" to "Poe's" since Poe was the actual author of the real Raven AND it sounded better. For the sake of tradition, you can substitute "Brigid's" as you read, if you choose.
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Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 27, 2011 11:22:50 GMT -6
Wow, d&w, this is a very interesting form. Am I correct in thinking that the refrain is always the last two words of the rhyming line? Or, are longer or shorter refrains ever used? I'm really glad you brought this one to our attention. You are definitely a superb multi-tasker if you can take on a new job and do Form Focus at the same time! I'm glad we're getting into some unusual (for us) territory here! I'll be mulling this one over until I get your reply.
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Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 27, 2011 3:17:28 GMT -6
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Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 26, 2011 14:31:28 GMT -6
Hi Rob, I'm not going to comment about specifics on this one except for pointing out that there's an automatic spell-check on the forum. When something gets underlined in red, that usually means it's spelled incorrectly. So, when that line appears, take a second look at the word in question. (In this case, "cherrish" instead of "cherish"). I believe what you're trying to get across with this poem is that life is short, those we love either die or otherwise leave us, so we should live each day to the fullest. As a person who much prefers free verse as a way to precisely communicate my thoughts, I'd like to invite you to think of how you would express these sentiments if you weren't thinking so much about rhyming. Thinking of different ways, unique ways, of expressing your thoughts (rather than just making terse statements as I did at the beginning of the above paragraph) can be every bit as challenging as finding a word that rhymes. Of course, if rhyme is what you prefer, that's why this section exists. Still, I hope you'll give the subject of free verse some thought.
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Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 26, 2011 14:06:47 GMT -6
Hi Rob, With regard to your latest comment, I think you meant "irony" rather than "sarcasm". The latter carries a connotation of something harsh, bitter, or cruel and I'm sure you really didn't think you should have added that to you previous comment! (At least I hope not!)
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Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 26, 2011 8:13:57 GMT -6
Hiya Rob, Relax! I don't have a spanking tool. Sometimes the written word can come off much more stern than the same thing would have sounded if spoken, due to the absence of tone and inflection. I can assure you that "The Life We Love" was posted in both categories. It had been viewed about 13 times in the other category. If this sort of thing ever occurs again (with you or anyone else), I will let the author see the double-posting before deleting it. I'm the one who moved "A Breath of Fresh Air" and the one who deleted the duplicate "Life We Love" thread from the Free Verse section, well after moving "Breath". It is really no big deal that you posted it twice. If it makes you feel any better, we can say that some glitch in the forum's software somehow replicated the post in two categories at once. In either case, please don't worry and consider yourself officially "un-spanked". Brigid
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Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 26, 2011 8:02:02 GMT -6
Hiya eiken, Another lovely write. I tend to agree with Heather, that a mention of dusk at the beginning might set the stage a bit better. You could even say something as simple as, "At dusk, I gather from my garden..." In the U.S. we would say "I sit on the porch" (rather than "in"). I don't know if this is a regional thing or just a slip of a finger. If it is a regional variation, and you did intend it to be "in", I think that the repetition of "in" so close together doesn't quite work. You wrote: "sit in the porch in the glow of a caramel sun. I watch it slowly slip" I suggest: "sit on the porch in the glow of a caramel sun that slowly slips" just to streamline a bit. I think you meant a comma, not a period, after "trees". If you do move your dusk reference to the beginning of the poem (depending on what you say there) you could omit the dusk line towards the end and say something like: "behind silhouette trees, a quilt of eventide descends, and stars pepper into night" I must admit that I don't quite get the line about stars peppering into night, although it's pretty. I'd be tempted to say something more like, "stars pepper the sky." This seems like an awful lot of commenting on such a short piece, even for me, so I guess I am now fully qualified as a nit-picker. With or without changes, you've captured a lovely, peaceful moment that actually made me hungry for salad at my breakfast time! I'm glad to see your return to serenity with this one.
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Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 25, 2011 12:53:32 GMT -6
Revised 10/26/11* TX Woman Starts Poetry Forum! Poets Gather from Around the World! Poetry Happens! Aussie Woman Challenges Status Quo! TX Woman Rises to Challenge! Original: TX Woman Starts Poetry Forum! Poets Around the World Flock to Forum! Poetry Happens! Aussie Woman Challenges Status Quo! TX Woman Rises to Challenge! *This really wasn't much of a poem in the first place, however I noticed something really glaring that I'd never do in a real poem---end a line in the same word twice!
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Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 25, 2011 12:05:54 GMT -6
Hiya Rob, I noticed that you posted this poem both in Free Verse and Rhyming Poetry. Since it contains rhyme and all of the comments were made on this thread, I have deleted the duplicate. Please post each of your poems in just one category. (Unless you respond to a challenge (see "Come Out and Play") and you would like what you post there to go on one of the regular boards for critique). Heather and Tim have already given you some ideas for revision and I am pressed for time so perhaps I'll catch up on this one later.
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Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 25, 2011 5:55:46 GMT -6
Hi Rob,
I agree with you, this should be in Rhyming Poetry and now it is!
The thing about inside jokes is that all of us on the outside don't get them. If you had told us in your introduction that this was intended as a send-up of romantic poetry, that would have made a big difference. However, the introduction you did give us didn't even hint at this.
One reason we don't generally give introductions here is that a poem should stand on it's own, without needing a lot of explanation.
I really appreciate the good grace with which you took my critique. The only time I will spend a lot of time writing a critique is when I see some real potential in what has been written. Also, I think that nearly all of us started our poetic careers using lots of clichés, because that's the way we're used to communicating. So, you are definitely not alone.
I look forward to reading more of your work.
Brigid
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Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 25, 2011 5:39:57 GMT -6
Hi Tim, I think you misinterpreted my comments about "must feel". What I said has nothing to do with "self help gurus". What I was trying to get across was that we feel what we feel---there isn't any "must" about it. Our feelings just are---whether appropriate or not. For me, the addition of "must" implies some sort of requirement. As far as I'm concerned, feelings cannot be required. As far as finishing up with "snowman in the rain"---I feel that it has teeth as well as bark, much more so than your last stanza. The bark is the unusual phrase which captures one's attention, the teeth are the image and feelings that it invokes, providing a "bite". If you feel strongly that your last stanza sums everything else up and that it's a necessary conclusion, by all means keep it. I guess I feel that an author's stated conclusion is not always necessary in order for us to draw one. Perhaps that stanza could be placed closer to the one whose questions it answers (that is, before the snowman stanza) to make it more clear that you are answering the questions you raised. I know that you don't like to change anything you've written and I don't expect you to, but since I know that what we write isn't always perceived in the way it was intended, I do want to get across the way your words strike me, just so you know...
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Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 24, 2011 8:18:10 GMT -6
Hi Tim, I really love the line "like winter that has lied since spring"---it's one of those lines that really sticks with you, really makes you ponder. And, I agree with Dianne that "a snowman in the rain" is an awesome line. In fact, I love it so much, I think you should end your poem with it! Although the last stanza is a bit of a variation on the second, I don't think it's different enough to warrant repeating. I really like the idea of ending with the snowman, which leaves us with a very strong image, rather than a repetition of verse two. I think saying "all the things I feel" really fits better than "that I must feel" since "must" seems to indicate something obligatory or required and no one, not even ourselves, can force us to feel anything. Overall, though, I think this is a powerful write. I'm still seeing that sad, melting snowman...
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Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 23, 2011 9:34:05 GMT -6
Only in Deep South Texas...
On this cool October day the sky gathers up clouds in bundles, and the wind throws leaves around, promising change.
I turn my face upward hopefully, searching for rain.
Then, stubborn summer drops its mask, the wind departs suddenly, taking the clouds away, revealing a stunning blue backdrop and a sun that seems to think it’s still July.
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Post by Brigid Briton on Oct 23, 2011 9:13:01 GMT -6
Hi Dianne, Very pretty and charming. In reality, you probably need about a thousand more verbs to describe all that these wonderful creatures do! This reminds me of my beloved Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill by Mark Bittner.
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