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Post by Brigid Briton on Apr 12, 2014 21:52:43 GMT -6
Hi Chris,
With regard to Tim's question to you, I don't object to the gender specificity of this. After all, a female will never be "a man" (with the exception of transgender people of course). My question is a bit broader than Tim's. And that is, what does it mean, exactly to "stand tall"?
You enumerate different situations where caring, sensitivity, bravery, etc, are called for without mentioning what a man would do, other than "standing tall". What each verse created for me was the unfortunate image of a man, faced a variety of difficult situations, pulling him up to his full height, period.
"Standing tall" seems to violate one of poetry's cardinal rules and that is avoiding the cliché. (I'm also wondering, with tongue in cheek, what those who are "vertically challenged" would think of "standing tall" as the definition of being a man, when they are physically incapable of accomplishing that act.)
Your heart is in the right place and I get what you're saying, it's just that I think that "standing tall" is not the best way of expressing it.
Brigid
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Post by Brigid Briton on Apr 12, 2014 21:24:26 GMT -6
Hi Chris, I forgot to mention this before, but the person adding the ninth line to this poem is the winner of the BIG prize, which is to create a new challenge for the rest of us. I hope you're up to the challenge challenge. It shouldn't be too difficult, though, since most people seemed to be intimidated by the Etheree challenge. (Leave it to good old fearless Reilley to swoop in and save the day!) I look forward to seeing what you come up with. Brigid
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Post by Brigid Briton on Apr 12, 2014 12:47:00 GMT -6
Line 10: souls.
Chris, your choice for line nine made this a tough one. I'm putting us all out of our misery and ending this with "souls", unless someone else comes up with something more apt!
Thanks to those of you who participated.
Brigid
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Post by Brigid Briton on Apr 12, 2014 8:02:43 GMT -6
No, Dan, Tom Waits is still very much alive. Even if he was dead, I, and kazillions of his other fans, could still have a "date" with him to listen to Grapefruit Moon or any other fave. You should check him out. You might like him. www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN0uBPt0UOA Grapefruit Moon was recorded over 40 years ago. Although Tom's voice and style have "somewhat" evolved since that time, he is still going strong. In fact, he's something of an icon since his poetry (songwriting), music, and persona are so unique. So, long story short, nobody's estate will sue you.
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Citrus
Apr 11, 2014 17:45:00 GMT -6
Post by Brigid Briton on Apr 11, 2014 17:45:00 GMT -6
Thanks Reilley, Deb, Tim, Sergio and Dan, for your comments. Dan, you crack me up. This is one of my long poems. The short version would be: grapefruit moon tom waits for me tonight
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Post by Brigid Briton on Apr 10, 2014 17:55:40 GMT -6
Hi Dan,
This is a sad reminder of how many of us have loved ones who suffer from dementia in one form or the other. I think it's a great poem, but I think the rhythm falls off a little in the second to the last verse. I tried reading it aloud and was tripped up on that stanza every time. Perhaps some of our rhyming experts like Reilley, Tim or Deb can offer a little more solid insight on that verse.
Your poem captures the gentle nature of a loved one (as well as your own gentle nature) shining through, a reminder to all of us that patience and compassion are the orders of the day when relating to a loved one with dementia or other memory loss.
A lovely poem.
Brigid
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Vietnam
Apr 10, 2014 13:55:53 GMT -6
Post by Brigid Briton on Apr 10, 2014 13:55:53 GMT -6
Hi Sergio,
This is beautiful and haunting. Those of us who are literalists may be crying out for more information, but this is complete, just as it is, for me. I especially love the last verse. Gentle images contradicted by the violence and tragedy of war.
Great poem.
Brigid
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Post by Brigid Briton on Apr 10, 2014 6:41:58 GMT -6
Hi Tim, Glad to see you back. Hope all is well with you guys. How like you to weigh in with wisdom and your typical wit. The situation seems to be resolved now but your two cents worth is always worth much more than that!
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Post by Brigid Briton on Apr 9, 2014 7:39:58 GMT -6
Hi again, Reilley. Well, as is usual with your poetry, this one has generated lots of interest and is building a real following for you. (BTW, people, did you know that you can actually "follow" anyone on this forum? Just click on the name of whomever you want to follow and that will take you to their profile page. Click on the FOLLOW box towards the right side of the page and you're their official follower!) I guess I'm just a bit cock-eyed in my perception but I still read this as more humorous than not. One line I'm kind of wondering about now, though is "inescapable expiration date". Since Laz has just been given a glimpse of the great by-and-by and all its wonders, I'm thinking he might have reason to think that his expiration date might not be entirely inescapable. After all, he'd just escaped an inescapable expiration date. It's a cool phrase but not sure whether it really fits, under the extraordinary circumstances. Your mileage may vary, to quote a well-known bard. Brigid
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Post by Brigid Briton on Apr 9, 2014 5:36:06 GMT -6
Thanks for your comments everyone. eiken, I guess we only get to find out about that new life after we close our eyes for the last time...
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Post by Brigid Briton on Apr 9, 2014 5:30:13 GMT -6
Oh, eiken, this is beautiful. You are beautiful, my friend.
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Post by Brigid Briton on Apr 9, 2014 5:28:46 GMT -6
Hi eiken. Thanks so much. I moved your info on haiku writing to the Form Focus section.
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Post by Brigid Briton on Apr 8, 2014 19:39:27 GMT -6
Yeah, Lisa, I can see this clearly, sitting in a tiny living room, looking out the window, feeling the chill of morning against the glass, the vibration of that clanking train rumbling by...a very neat image.
Brigid
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Post by Brigid Briton on Apr 8, 2014 19:33:33 GMT -6
I resurrected this from a recent challenge. Some of us are still having hot chocolate days, even though Spring is gaining the upper hand.
On the sort of day when one thinks about hot chocolate with lots of marshmallows, held between both hands, I watch the brave little sparrows and wrens, all atwitter, with neither hot chocolate nor hands, fluttering happily at the feeders.
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Post by Brigid Briton on Apr 8, 2014 7:34:10 GMT -6
Hi Sergio,
I'm so glad you've found your way back to the forum. At first I thought this was loneliness and desolation caused by the ending of a favorite TV series. But I read on, through the sad and sometimes stunning, images to learn the underlying motivation for this work.
I think it's a great poem, with a punch-in-the gut revelation, followed by a matter-of-factness that puts it all in perspective.
As with "Antonio's Rape", I admire your courage for sharing this with us.
Brigid
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Post by Brigid Briton on Apr 8, 2014 7:18:02 GMT -6
Hi Sergio, I'm glad you're back. Hope you'll bookmark us now so you don't lose us again!
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Post by Brigid Briton on Apr 7, 2014 14:34:53 GMT -6
Hi Dan,
Looks like Chris (Reilley) is right to me! Guess my coffee hadn't taken effect yet this morning.
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Post by Brigid Briton on Apr 7, 2014 14:29:57 GMT -6
Hi Reilley,
This is a great comic take on the tale of Old Laz. I love the double meaning of this line: "as I had been raised to do". Just when he thought he had gone to his reward, oops, he's raised again. It would probably have been even worse if he'd been playing poker with the almighty.
I enjoyed this!
Brigid
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Post by Brigid Briton on Apr 6, 2014 21:36:05 GMT -6
Elegant! Way to go, eiken.
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Post by Brigid Briton on Apr 6, 2014 21:14:25 GMT -6
Line 8: secretly
Come on, everybody, there are only two more chances to get your input in on this poem!
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